Friday, November 21, 2008

How to turn a one-night stand into something more

One question I have been asked many times before was I could manage to meet and have sex with a woman the first night I met her and then transition it into something more. I have had many men and women tell me that they could never do that or that they view pursuing a relationship and a one-night stand as two separate things. At the same time I have also been told that some of the best relationships have turned sexual pretty soon after meeting someone.

It has been my experience though that women are open to the possibility of seeing you again if the sex is really good and they feel good about the experience emotionally. However you can’t have any expectation that this will lead to a relationship, women will either be turned off by that if they are not actively looking for a relationship. They have to feel that they are developing a connection with you without feeling that you are needy or trying to take any nergy from them emotionally.

Here are some points that have contributed to my successes over the years:

1) Meet your woman and rapidly escalate your initial attraction into powerful sexual desire with your physical moves and a boldly sexual attitude. This could be on the dance floor or off to the side of the place.

2) Set the frame where she is sexually aggressive, highly sexual and comfortable with their sexuality. Be cocky and challenging about how she is trying to seduce you and make it ok for her to be aggressive too. You can even bring this into the conversation by saying things like you love women that own their sexuality.

3) Convey an attitude and present a frame where you are accepting and non-judgmental, that you are a person that does not devalue women based on how long they hold out for sex. This can include bringing up the topic of how you think society’s double standard for men and women when it comes to sex is unfair. I have also done things before where I have shared my experience that if the sex is good, and you enjoy someone’s company why not see them again.

I also sometimes describe how I enjoy having friends with benefits, that are truly friends, and that I think sometimes a woman is at a point in her life where she doesn’t want to devote the time or emotional energy to a relationship but at the same time a woman has needs. Isn’t it great when you can meet someone that you can be comfortable with while at the same time enjoying mind-blowing sex.

4) Have awesome mind-blowing sex! Know that really good sex can open up the possibility for an emotional connection to develop, especially if she doesn’t feel pressured that you are needy. At the least realize that if the sex is really good and she can talk to you that she will want to do it again.

5) Convey that you are a busy person that is pursuing many interests in your life and that you are not looking for a committed relationship right now. This will make the woman you are with that is also not looking for a relationship feel relieved; she can feel comfortable enjoying her time with you without worrying if you are going to get needy.

6) In between rounds of sex get to know each other and continue to build rapport as friends. Say things like: this is great that we be friends like this. Be open and share of yourself in such a way that she feels comfortable opening up to you too. Basically start to do some of the same things you would do as if you were getting to know her in a more traditional dating context, but in a non-needy way where a relationship has already been taken off the table.

7) At the same time that you are laying some possible groundwork for a relationship you also don’t want to come on too strong, leave her room to pursue you and feel that she is actively reaching for what she wants. At this point I have had some women say we should do this again sometime, or sometime soon. However not all women are this comfortable and confident. Look for things that women say like I normally have more guy friends than woman friends or I’m not looking for a relationship.

8) From this point onward notice and compliment her on things that you notice that reinforce her self-image as an independent woman who goes for what she wants. Make her feel good about being a sexual woman while being a friend, but don’t get overly emotional, let her have space to keep her feelings to herself. You aren’t looking to tie her down (outside the bedroom) or constrict her life or her options nor do you expect her to share anything about her life that she does not want to.

So that is my perspective on how to turn sex on the first night into the possibility of friends with benefits that can later turn into a relationship. I truly believe that taking an unconventional angle into a relationship enables the possibility of an interaction that defies the traditional framework and is based on an arrangement that best serves where the man and woman are at their stage in life.

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