Thursday, October 23, 2008
I tried asking some guys and the ones who tried to be helpful just didn’t seem to able to explain exactly what they did or how they did it. They would say things like be yourself, be laid-back and relaxed, don’t try too hard. While these were helpful tips, they were parts of an overarching concept that seemed ellusive.
Fast forward to the adult world and I came to the realization that there are several characteristics and personality traits that together form the concept of “cool” and the perception of having higher social value. The truth is that many of the same elements apply to adults just as they did for adolescents. Here is a brief outline.
What does being “cool” mean?
1. Independent, Not “needy” - Another part of being “cool” is that you are self-validating. That is you do not need approval from other people (needy) and that your attitude is such that you don’t care too much about what other people think. This attitude also demonstrates a degree of strength that is attractive to others, especially women, but to people in general. As other people see you as being relatively unaffected they will recognize that and display that recognition in how they act toward you which will further strengthen how they respond to you.
2. Comfortable with yourself - Cool is also the ability to demonstrate that you are comfortable in your own skin and comfortable with your own personality. This can be demonstrated non-verbally through your body movement and your body language.
3. The ability to stand out as an interesting person of value than most if not all of the other people in your environment by being a good story teller and a fun person. The key is to do this in such a way where you “show not tell.” Bragging might work some of the time when people are adolescents, but over time is it not as effective as people get older and become more mature adults. The key is to demonstrate key personality traits through your actions, your body language and indirectly through your stories and behaviors.
Over time others will seek to emulate you both consciously and unconsciously, and copy your mannerisms, favorite words and behaviors so that they can be cool too. As others copy you and follow your lead you will demonstrate their acceptance of you as a social authority and that you are a leader of others.
4. Knowledge of unique and interesting things. This is another aspect of being cool, however it has to be done in such a way that you are not needy, you are comfortable with yourself and aware of how your actions are being perceived by others.
5. Social awareness - The ability to understand how others perceive you and respond to you is another key component of being cool. While you do not want to be needy and do things simply to please other people, you also need to be aware of how your actions are affecting someone else and change them as necessary to maintain comfort. If you notice that another person or the group of people that you are talking to notice are not feeling comfortable or are disagreeing with you. You can change course by recognizing that and either bring it up directly, or change the direction of the conversation, maybe even by quickly changing topics.
Changing topics due to social awareness of others body language and cues is different than being needy although the difference can seem subtle. The main difference boils down to why you are changing course, are you doing it to seek their approval or to keep things fun and comfortable.
So there you have what it takes to be “cool.” I wish someone could have explained it more like that when I was a kid. While it is easier said than done, as you become aware of or are reminded of the attributes of a person with higher social value you might find yourself making changes where necessary.
While it can be a good idea to leave a venue that is really not working for you, I would argue that most of the time you are better off toughing it out in your current venue for several reasons.
But first, a story to illustrate my point. About a month ago I was out alone, all of my primary wingmen were out of town or otherwise busy. I didn’t even feel like going out except I needed to retrieve my credit card from the previous night. To jazz things up I decided to wear this crazy pink and black stripped cowboy hat that I had. At first I felt kind of weird, crazy cowboy hat and I didn’t feel up to talking to anyone. Over the course of the night women opened me and I talked to several different groups of women. My state began to change and the bar became more crowded. Then I talked to a two set from Columbia for a little while right in front of the ladies room. One of the two women kept pawing at my chest and even kissed me once or twice. However after a quick test close I realized that it wasn’t going to get her home that night because they were au pairs who had to get back to their host families. So I excused myself and went back out on the hunt. This time I found a woman and things started to happen rapidly after several moves that were rapidly stacked one on top of the other we were heading back to my place less than 30 minutes after meeting (see the LR from January at Lucky Bar posted on this blog).
The point of the story, I stayed in the same venue and it helped me. Why should you stay in the same venue.
1) It builds character. Some external situations are just out of your control, like there being no women in the bar at all. But sometimes it is just another form of approach anxiety at work, or an excuse without any valid reasons to back it up.
2) You have to start over for building social proof. Assuming that you are talking to women in the bar, you are building your own status as you go. Even if things do not work out exactly as you would like them to, women do not always know that from a distance. They do know that you have been talking to different women, and are not afraid to talk to women.
3) You have to start over in terms of building your own comfort or vibe in the venue. I think this is often overlooked when it comes to “inner game” and being comfortable approaching women. Sometimes you just get a feel for the social dynamic in a venue or a feel for the venue itself. I don’t know if this is important to everyone, but sometimes it just takes time to get comfortable with a situation but once you are comfortable then you are in good shape.
Later I wandered around the room and said hi to hb redhead from last week’s police chase adventure. Per our agreement no entirely gratuitous displays of affection. I hung out with one of my pivots who asked where my wingmen were the previous week. Her good friend, tall thin flirty brunette danced with me and gave me a kiss or two, and double checked to make sure I would be her “cabana boy” for her party the next weekend. Apparently my job as “cabanna boy” would be to massage sun screen on them and man the grill for tips. I actually ended up getting over $100 in cash plus some non-cash tips too J but that’s a different story…
Later I wandered around and greeted a cute redhead with an enthusiastic hello, hug and a kiss as if I had always known her. She had pale blue eyes, was about 5’6, average body type 38C, fun playful vibe in a Mardi Gras mask. It later turned out I had spoken to her a couple times before, she often wore thigh-high stripped stockings with her team’s colors on them. Sometime we started making out and I held her firmly against me, I saw flashbulbs go off so perhaps I’ll make it into the gossip column for our newsletter (so much for being discrete).
This time I used very little pre-scripted game, I guess you could call it my version of natural kickball social game, where I have a very playful and flirtatious but not overtly sexual, challenging or goal oriented intent. Basically I have no agenda, just being present in the moment. However I have learned that with that intent, if I pay attention to the cues of the women in the room I can almost always attract some women willing to jump for a good opportunity.
As the kissing subsided for a moment we talked and I learned that she had graduated from a college I attended my first two years before transferring to a college here in Washington, DC. We exchanged some stories and I told her about some of the crazy parties we had including the ones where people showed up naked. It turns out that she had some friends at the Womyn’s Center (yes women with a y) the on-campus feminist colony where most of the women were openly lesbian, had tried to recruit her. She assured me that she liked guys, so I asked her how did she know when she was sexually attracted to a guy, what was the first feeling she got on the inside? She told me she didn’t know because she’d never been with a guy before. At some point around this time she pulled back her mask and I could see her face.
I was surprised, she was 25 almost 26 years old, had gone to a left-wing liberal arts college yet was still a virgin? She nodded and I asked her why, did she have strong religious beliefs against it, did she believe that she should wait until marriage? What was her reason? She kind of shrugged and said well I guess I’ve never been comfortable enough with a guy before and that some guys would get weird after she told them she was a virgin. I told her it was ok that she was a virgin and that I had experience being the first time for many virgins before, that I was gentle and wouldn’t do anything that she wasn’t comfortable doing. I added that in my experience I had found that each one of them could find their own reasons to do what they really wanted to do, for reasons that were no one else’s business but her own, its like you just need to trust this feeling (solar plexis point). Then I said so if you were to feel attracted to this guy (self-point) touched her and also feel comfortable with him, self point to my solar plexis, would you want to have sex. She nodded, said yes, very innocent look on her face. Then I said why don’t we go someplace more quiet more private, doesn’t that sound good? She nodded again.
With that she briefly talked to her friend, they said their good byes. I took her hand in mine and then I drove her home to my place… . Irony on Sunday night I learned that my FWB on Sunday night accompanied the girl’s roommate home, she was unwittingly also my pivot.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
1. Belief that what they're doing is wrong/ not desired.These beliefs can stem from they learned as kids and/ or in popculture which is that women do not like sex, and that sex outside of a committed relationship is somehow harmful to a woman and/ or notdesired. Therefore the guy is doing something wrong when he is justgoing for his desires.
2. Getting bogged down by what other people think. One again this links back to societal beliefs, its wrong for a guy tojust go for what he wants. A corralary to this would be that guys should care if things do not work the way they would want them to witha woman (i.e. rejection). In reality most people have their own baggage and fears that limit their ability to be successful and happy. Why would you listen to people like that?
3. Not having your own strong frame or reality. This goes with the point above about not overly caring what otherpeople think when you go for what you desire. It also comes down to how you think about yourself and if you believe you are good enough for what you desire. You need to know that you are the prize.
4. Attaching excess meaning to being accepted or "rejected." A better way to think about it is there is no rejection, you are just testing for responses. For example if you were squeezing tomatos to see if they are ripe when you are at the grocery store. Squeeze and see if it responds favorably to the touch. If not, put it back and try another one. Can a tomato reject you?
5. Not testing for feedback as you go. Why not get immediate feedback on whether a woman is attracted to you before you invest a lot of time in trying to create an outcome that might not really be possible? Women often know within 5 minutes and oftentimes much less how attracted they are to a guy. If you aren't at least a solid "maybe" early on then you are probably wasting your time. However if they are interested and you can determine that by reading her cues and how she responds to you then you can often escalate much more quickly than you previously thought was possible.
6. Be confident in your sexuality. Know that once it gets physical things are almost over. This relates to being aggressive andconfident that a woman that is attracted to you will powerfullyrespond. Once sufficiently turned on the woman takes care of mostcontigencies.
7. Lack of focus on the end game. Let's be real: for most men you want sex and there is no need to apologize for your desires because most women are also looking for sex too. Many men do have some inner conflicts about sexuality that stem from family upbringing, religion and/or your own beliefs about women. You may also want a relationship, maybe even one that could lead toward marriage, but a major factor of any relationship is the sexual interaction.
Stay focused on that goal first, before you let yourself become invested in the woman, because if this key element isn't going anywhere your ultimate relationship is doomed. Realize that not every woman is going to be in it with you at that moment, but that some of the women in any environment will be always be interested, you just have to find them.
Thursday, October 16, 2008
Getting Ready and warmed up
During the afternoon on Saturday while working out I listened to some recordings that I have to help get me in the right frame of mind. Basically I just reviewed some of the power attitudes and some visualizations of my ideal outcomes. Tonight I was going to be bold and aggressive without a care in the world except to project my energy and keep up my attitude.
I went out with "Ignite!" and "Dare" to Adams Morgan starting at Tryst. Ignite and I started out the evening role playing shit tests, which was a fun way to get the energy going, then played around with some language patterns to warm up. We moved toward Gran Central and I opened a couple sets there, Ignite and Dare and I experimented with a new opener that used the energy building routine that we had learned about during a previous lair meeting (yes, yes, yes). I
pulled in a girl to try it with us, this one might be used in the future.
We rolled on to Brass Monkey and I plowed into a set right near the second floor entrance. The women immediately asked us what our line was going to be and if the other two were going to talk to her friends while I spoke to her. That's when we learned that a PUA boot camp had picked Brass Monkey to sarge. As I looked around the room the dress peacocking was unmistakable, print t shirts with a blazer and jeans hmmm, a black shirt with a white tie … After playfully sparing with them for a little bit and having fun hearing the lines the women had heard for the night we bailed for upstairs.
I remarked how funny it was to see this day, nine years ago I never imagined the day would come when PUAs would be so pervasively mainstream.
Eventually we wandered back downstairs and I did what I often feel comfortable doing, wander alone somewhat randomly and see what my intuition picks up, where do I feel mysteriously drawn?
Solid Hook on a set: more calibrating my skills to get things sharp
I wandered over toward the wall beyond the bar on the ground level 1st floor on the side where you enter with the Brass Monkey side and starting talking to a cute brunette who was with two friends, one of which had a tierra on. The brunette went low on a song and so I dared her to see who could get lower. I noticed she was wearing some sneakers and pants, not really dressed for going out. She said she liked to be comfortable and really dance but that you couldn't get in most places because of that. I mirrored it back to her, isn't it great when you can just be yourself and be comfortable.
I transitioned into some patterns and questions designed to test for responses and what information I could gather. I noticed what appeared to be one of the PUA newbies running around nearby talking to one of her friends. I said did you know there is a pickup artist class here?
After a somewhat incredulous response and some initial concern that the guys were shallow and self absorbed and just looking for a one night stand I gestured away from myself to direct the feelings toward the other guy. On the one hand there are those guys that are shallow self-absorbed and not really focused on getting to know the woman inside. But I do feel there are some guys out there that do want to genuinely learn about the woman they are talking to … Then I segued into Instantaneous Connection pattern and this got her talking a little. I mirrored some of her words back to her.
Then she asked about me her job and what she found most fulfilling about that. I also did a little energy test on her for my own calibration, kind of low-neutral. I stacked into my friends with benefits pattern, I'm not necessarily a one-night stand kind of guy but I've been blessed to have some great friends who can keep a guy happy. She said the non-profit she worked for was against friend with benefits. She works for a non-profit to prevent unplanned teen pregnancies, so I said thanks to modern technology I haven't become a baby daddy just yet, then crossed my fingers. She laughed, and seemed intrigued but expressed skepticism that women would be into friends with benefits and that she believed all women were looking for exclusive relationships.
I reframed it that not all women were looking for that, that for a woman to be an FWB for me she had to be mature and intelligent as well as highly sexual (I stepped on the last word for effect). I said most women are closer to my age, some older, a few younger but not under 25. She seemed intrigued and asked how many I had, I first said 4 and then wait I undercounted, there are more than that depending on how you define it but they come … in and out of the picture periodically.
She said, so life is good isn't it. I smiled. She so you're in between boyfriends friend. I said that's part of it, but I'm a full service FWB. I'm also the friend when you're looking for a boyfriend but don't want to deprive yourself of sex or the friend when the boyfriend isn't giving you what you need in the way that you truly need it, and even the one where you are looking for marriage but have been burned a few times and are feeling a little down. She said so you’re a slut. I smiled, yeah I suppose but I’ve having good time of it.
Too bad women can't be the same way, people would just call them a slut. I said not in my book, they would be a "studette." The difference is in whether you own your sexuality and enjoy sex for its own sake instead of using it for some external validation to fill a void in your life.
Some AMOG fun
Then we noticed one of her friends dancing with this guy in a Mountain Dew shirt and he was really good, looked like a PUA in training. Then she said to me, he's been working on her for awhile but she's got a boyfriend and is trying to be polite but not lead him on. She also said that I should talk to her other friend, the cute blonde with the birthday crown.
She talked to her other friend and I did a friendly AMOG routine on the guy by asking him if he was there for the workshop and complimented him on his game. At first I thought he was playing dumb but it turns out he was just visiting from Ohio. The distraction of his attention was just enough time for the other friends pulled their friend out and she disappeared and brunette talks to princess blonde. Then I turned to the blonde friend that the brunette friend said I should meet.
The Fun Starts and goes right to dirty talk
She was pretty hot, about 5'8 blonde hair blue eyes, slender little waist, just enough eye shadow. The first thing she said was, "Are you a slut?" in a playful, challenging way, with a strong sexual energy about her. I was slightly off balance for a moment as I felt a very strong sexual energy coming from her, and tried to respond to the shit test. It didn’t seem overly hostile, but it was a test of sorts.
I responded by saying I consider myself to be a highly sexual person that craves variety and that I keep a couple women around to replace the others when they get worn out. She laughed, paused, smiled, bit her lip a little as her eyes lit up, the wheels were turning. I said besides a slut is just someone who acts on what they want because that is what they want to do and not what society or their friends tell them they should want. She asked what I do and I said many things but including writing erotic stories. Then I turned it around, how about you? She said she also likes sex a lot, I like it rough, I like it for a guy to pull my hair and bite me and I like anal. (Whoaaa, wait a second she brought that up first. Where is this coming from?)
Really, so you like anal, and you come from it really hard don’t you, g-spot or deep spot, while nodding my head, she sort of nodded. You know I’ve discovered some women that come from anal even more powerfully than vaginal, maybe about 10% of the population, like this girl I knew and then I went into a funny story with some pretty graphic descriptions that incorporated the kinds of things she had just described. My roommates got so pissed off, I promised them that the next time I fucked her hard that I would bury her head in a pillow or use a gag. That really made him squirm. Damn I guess that was kind of mean, but I couldn’t resist its fun to test people and see what happens when they freak out. She laughed and we bonded and vibed for a bit.
She asked more and I started telling her about a lot of things, stories of swingers clubs,
sex education work shops with toy demonstrations, BDSM and courses on tantra and ritual sex magic. I told her how I got an autographed butt plug from Tristan Taurmino, author of the Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women for buying her porn anthology. This got her talking and asking questions.. I went into some graphic descriptions with some pattern-like language using weasel phrases and embedded commands, incorporating her own personal trance words, pacing and leading all the way. She lit up turning red and pupils dilating as I took a deep breath and then went on to describe the energy of the interaction. The breath set it so I was leading her breathing, she starts to mirror me back as I shifted my state in a more sexual direction and light trance by visualizing what I was describing. I fractionated slightly by getting her to focus on the feeling of attraction, so I mirrored her anchors back and asked her for the color of the state and then said notice that as the color gets stronger, more vivid that those feelings get stronger too, pulsing through your body, now with each breath … All of my energy was focused outward, no internal visualizations, no lust, just focus.
My hands squeezed her waist a little stronger now. She appeared to become very excited, pupils almost fully dilated, body shaking. She leaned in then backed up, then leaned in again, seemingly very energized and agitated. Where have you been? I said right here. At this point I wanted to calm things down a little bit because she seemed to be kind of overwhelmed. I said isn't it great when you can really connect with someone at this level. She said yeah, it seems so lonely sometimes, no one understands what its like. I nodded. She started talking about her last boyfriend and how it started to kill her libido. I listened for a little while but then interrupted it quickly so I could turn it and reframe.
I know its so tough when you're this sexual and most people aren't (point away). She said its hard to find someone you can trust to get to that level. I asked her, how do you know when you can trust someone at that level? She paused, didn't quite know and so I said what's the first signal, the first feeling that you get on the inside that let's you know you have this level of trust. She paused even more, looked up and to the left put her hand over her solar plexus just above her breasts and said I don't know and then she started talking. She gave me some more language for me to reflect back to her. I also mirrored back her anchors and said isn't it great when you can feel this trust and know that you have found someone that you can really bond with. Now isn't that amazing. Her eyes were glazed like Harold and Kumar’s during their quest for a White Castle. She said I've almost never felt that before.
She appeared curious and energized, her eyes darted from right eye to left eye and back again, are you real? And then oh my god I'm going to have to run off and masturbate as she squeezed her legs together, I leaned in and we started to kiss. She said not in front of my friends, they are also co-workers. So I tried a test close, its too bad we can't just enjoy ourselves some place more private. She hesitated and I said why don't we find a comfortable spot out of sight of your friends. She looked over at her friend and then I led her by the hand right past one of the PUA instructors over to one of the couches, the shorter one with the dark hair. As we were making out she climbed on top of me and said I'd love nothing more than to straddle you right now and ride your cock. She asked me to bite her and I also pulled her hair hard, shifting the tierra around on her head. I suggested we should probably find a more private location if she wanted to ride my cock. She paused and said, mmm, I can't though. I'm completely turned on by you more than I have ever been and I want you to fuck me hard just like you describe in your erotic story. I can't believe this, its just unreal. I need to know for myself if this is even possible. I need to know that this is real outside of drinking outside of this. I said well we could go someplace more private. I saw resistance on her face, no pressure let's just relax and enjoy each other's company.
She started to calm down a little and then I said you know its weird but I just did this ritual a few days ago that is supposed to attract your ideal lover and they were saying that for you to truly connect with your ideal lover requires connecting on several different levels at once. I described connecting with cords of light from the head, heart and groin chakras all at once and then past and future paced it. And that when you meet this guy how you can feel totally fascinated
with each breath that you take and each pulsing beat of your heart.
This nearly sent her over the edge again. She said I can't take this anymore and I need to go to the bathroom. Then she started calming down and said she should check in with her friends. The friends were alright and did not seem concerned that their friend had been away from them for a little bit. One friend said to me do not let brunette go home with that guy, ok. I guess I gave her a blank look because we hadn't even spoken before. And then to her she said the same thing, then turned back to me, but you're good. I don't know what possessed her to make me a guardian of a woman's chastity. Blonde said it looks like we are going to need to do a little baby sitting, and then will you watch her I really need to pee, and she sprinted off to make a quick trip to the potty. I talked to brunette and thanked her for introducing me to her friend, she's awesome, and she said one-night stand awesome or possibly more. I said I have a strong feeling possibly more. Blonde came back very quickly and gave me a big hug. I'm saving the rest for later when I can have some peace and privacy. We exchanged contact info and I got her phone and email address and learned where she lives. She said she was going to be taking care of her friend that night. I want to read your stories, they'll be good to masturbate to.
I said and I'm sure as you experience that, there is no way you could just imagine my voice reading it to you deep inside your mind as those feelings come flooding right through you. She started shaking again. “There you go again. Damn it.”
I said I should be going and catch up to my friends unless some chicks picked them up already and we parted company for the evening. I emailed her later and she replied.
This ties back to the FR from the previous Saturday night with the sex-crazed blonde.
Me: Sun, Apr 27, 2008 at 3:41 AM Good to meet you tonight. Here is that story as promised. I'm sure you will find a way to enjoy!
(Commentary: The erotic story is filled with various patterns designed specifically for a woman to masturbate to. She is one of the few to actually tell me that she was going to before she had even read it.)
Her: Sun, Apr 27, 2008 at 11:23 AM exactly how I needed to start my day - I appreciate you passing it along. Pretty hot. Much like last night. I had a great time... better than I could have ever hoped for. I would love to take you out to dinner and get to know you better if you're up for it sometime. As I would hate to mislead you, I warn you that at the moment I have no need to be another notch on your belt. But I really would love to spend more time with you. You mentioned Tuesday? I won't hold you to that, but if you're interested then give me a call sometime. Have you ever been to Capital Lipstick at Bar Nun? I've never been, but something made me think of it this morning. Maybe we could check it out some weekend.hope your evening finished well...(Commentary: Notice how nice she is being, while also trying to subtly control the frame, she had also said that she was not going to sleep with me the first night too. I’m interpreting that as her way of putting on the brakes while also allowing tension to build over time. It is also consistent with what she said about liking a lot of sex, but generally with one person at a time.)
Me: Sun, Apr 27, 2008 at 1:43 PM Same to you, last night was hot, and isn't it interesting how sometimes you can just meet someone and feel that connection where you share something that touches you deep inside and you can just be yourself and not have to worry about anything except the timeless energy that connects the two of us.I do have a pretty full plate right now in terms of professional and social obligations, especially with the seminar I'm teaching coming up in the next week and a half, but dinner on Tuesday would be good. I suppose there are probably more options in your neck of the woods, which neighborhood are you in?... And there are plenty more stories where that came from, and I've been known to write some on special request too ...(Commentary: I wanted to reflect back her tone and then use some vague and confusing pattern language that defies any attempt at proper English. Then I placed a value on my time and established scarcity.)
Her: Mon, Apr 28, 2008 at 5:51 PM I work and live in the Dupont area, so just about anything you desire is an option if it's not a huge pain in the ass to come here. I can definitely drive out there, though I don't know the 7-corners area very well. I do, amazingly, know how to read maps (that's right - not just pretty - I'm smart too - haha). Anyway - I'm off tomorrow by about 6:30. I eat just about anything and know plenty of good places around here depending on what you're in the mood for. Japanese, Thai, pizza, french... whatever your preference. I'm still kinda blown away to have met someone that actually understands kink - I've only met one guy and one girl that I clicked with on that level, and they are both significantly older than you. God it could be fun to explore some things with you. Maybe I should dig out some of the things I've written and pass them along. I definitely giggled this morning as I covered up the marks you left on my neck... very nice. If you're really busy and want to blow me off, I won't be offended. I do realize that my promise of no-sex makes me less than the most tempting way to spend your time. However, I really would love to get together. You have my cell? xxx-xxx-xxx(Commentary: She is being pretty nice and polite and appears to recognize my value. Its almost like she is supplicating to me. Interesting contrast she is very forward about talking about sex, yet she wants to preserve some semblance of the dating frame, its her own push/ pull.) I called, without knowing that she had already sent me that last email and then I didn't hear back from her.
Me: Tue, Apr 29, 2008 at 9:00 AM Sounds good, I actually do include the ability to read a map as one of the things I look for in a woman. Let's meet at DuPont Circle park and be spontaneous that will give me time to read my new book on secret commodities trading strategies.
Her: Tue, Apr 29, 2008 at 9:54 AM Sorry I didn't call you back last night - was out to dinner with family and by the time I got home I was so freakin exhausted I just collapsed. I'm looking forward to tonight though. What time-ish?(I actually forgot to email her back, but didn’t realize that until the next day and assumed she was going to meet me at 6:30.)
Day 2 meeting for dinner in DuPont Circle
I was starting to get hungry and had not heard from her. I had a strong feeling that this was a big shit test or even a flake. So I sent her a text message and started walking toward the metro.
6:43 PM Me: Grumble, grumble I’m hungry and I don’t see you, so I’m heading home to VA.
6:44 PM Her: On my way Fucker, Don’t move be there in five.
What the hell is she trying to be funny? I didn’t respond and continued walking toward the metro and if I didn't hear from her in 5-10 minutes I would head home. I wanted her to call or text when she was looking for me in DuPont Circle, so then she would wait, at least briefly, for me so that I did not appear too available and the frame would be out of balance. Five minutes later she called and I told her she had just barely caught me before I was going to go down into the metro.She apologized for running late, her story was that she was moving a table that she got from some girl, she assured me she would be there soon and we agreed to meet at a restaurant about a block from the Circle. Since she didn’t have the courtesy to call I took this to be either a flake or a major shit test. The least she could do would be to pay for dinner. After we met she apologized profusely while we waited a moment for a table to become available.
Several things happened as we started talking. She spoke about how her ex had the same name as me and started talking about him and the relationship problems that had led her to break up with him. Relationship problems included a guy who was almost completely disinterested in sex and a boring homebody. She shared how her mother was a lesbian and moved to Norway with her lover before she was born and how her 5 brothers and sisters were from a couple different fathers. However she was very smart and had gotten accepted to Yale but went to Smith instead where she had been a LUG (Lesbian Until Graduation). She also shared how she had been engaged 5 different times, but that she had done so because it was a means of self-preservation as a way of dealing with what she thought were ultimatums from live-in boyfriends. She said that guys kept proposing to her because she was the whole package “I’m pretty and fantastic in bed.” Even though she was a “serial monogamist” she frequently cheated on her boyfriends and “took care of things herself.”I felt like I was playing therapist as I dispassionately listened to her.
As you can imagine what she was telling had raised several red flags, including family instability during childhood, having an absent parental figure and apparent dishonestly in relationships. My analysis, she is emotionally unavailable, likes to keep her emotional distance from others and while outwardly strong, independent, and tough she likes security and stability that she never got from childhood. While she said sexuality is important and was a reason for ultimately leaving relationships it is a lower priority than basic physical survival and the emotional security of knowing that she has someone to come home to. I also started to think that part of the reason why she was so forthcoming was that there are few people she can really trust and for this reason she values people that she can unburden herself to.
I challenged her back, it sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it too without being honest about it. You want a guy to make himself emotionally vulnerable, give of himself and trust you when you are not willing to do the same thing in return. That doesn't sound very alpha female to me. I also told her how I test and qualify and disqualify so I can rapidly determine whether or not a woman is worth my time, even if it means driving someone away. You know beauty is common and there are so many women out there to chose from, so I have to be systematic about this. She told me that's what she does by being really forward herself. She said, "Usually when I tell a guy that I love anal sex and hair pulling it scares them off and they walk away weirded-out, but you thought it was cool and escalated it right back at me. I explained my approach to relationships, I don't start out seeing someone exclusively; I believe it has to be based on the genuine attraction that the two of us feel and not an attempt to conform to the social conventions of the traditional dating frame. Monogamy is earned only when I feel so attracted to someone that I lose interest in pursuing others. That way I know that I am being truly fair both to myself and the other person.
After listening for a little while I shared some things where I agreed and where I disagreed with her, just some fluff talk. Part of the good stuff included asking her about her job at the council to prevent teen age pregnancy and what she found most fulfilling about it. She responded that she enjoyed feeling that she could help people and also thought that our culture was very repressed and it was good to develop a sense of, also she found the study of sex fascinating and loved that her job allowed her to learn and help others learn and discover more about it. She said she was curious about my adventures in the dark side, into kink. I had already told her about the sex convention and the lifestyle and several other things like that. We vibed about how hard it was to find someone who you could really click with in such a way. I said isn’t it great when you can just find that person where you just click, and really connect with this person about something and you can feel so accepted, like you’ve always known them or were just meant to know them. I told her about a rare form of hypnosis known as hyperempiria which you could use to amplify any state that you wanted including orgasm.
So right over dinner I got her to take the feeling of orgasm and start to amplify it, giving it a color and then a shape. Then I got her to move the shape around and begin notice as those feelings began to flow through her body. She started to turn pink and then red as those feelings began to flow through her. Notice how you as become aware of your breathing… with each breath, pay attention to the feeling but focus on your breathing and now … with each breath that you take, the more that energy can begin to flow through you in waves, the feeling of color getting stronger now, the stronger the color the more intense that feeling with each breath that you take. Now can you imagine that to be a tremendous experience, I tapped my finger on the sake container three times for emphasis. Paused for a moment, she said wow, isn’t this intense. Then I took a drink from the glass and said notice now as you think back on those feelings they can come flooding right through you. At this point she was turning red. As you can imagine this combination of fractionation of symbols and synesthesia at the same time was tremendously powerful. She squirmed in her seat and said there you go again, damn.
We talked about a lot of things. I started discussing survival and how I struggled to make ends meet as a telemarketer for a time share resort between my Jr. and Sr. year of college as a matter of stubborn pride just to prove that I could make it on my own. I used this to setup a story where I quoted myself as a vehicle for some patterns similar to the blowjob and discovery channel patterns. One day nothing was working, but I kept trying and trying and even went through every single rebuttal that they had in my script book. You know how sometimes you have one of those days where it gets to the point where you just say fuck it and just let things go and you aggressively pursue what you want without holding anything back. I think its moments like that where you really discover what you are made of and know that no matter what life throws at you, you can survive to rise from the ashes like a PhoenixFor the night shift they had me start on the phone with this single mother. After going through the standard script I started to really lay it on. Then I went into my downhill skiing pattern. Do you like skiing? You know that feeling of anticipation you get as you take that long journey on the ski lift up to the top of the mountain for your first run down a black diamond trails and maybe as you were there talking to someoneand listening to the sound of their voice you looked to the side or behind you, now you can see how high you are, and you notice that you begin to feel a mixture of excitement and nervousness at the same time. And then there comes that moment where you get off and then move right to the edge, that point of no return where you have to decide to turn downhill and go for it. To me the interesting thing about it is, it might be kind of scary at first, but then you get to the point where just trust your feelings, and for a moment ease into it in your mine (phonetic ambiguity with your mind). Then there comes that moment where you're sliding down, the mountain with the feel of wind blowing in your face, the bright white of the snow surrounding you, the roar of the wind as you accelerate down the mountain and you have to turn, and for just a moment you lose a degree of control as part of the process for gaining it back again. You just have to trust (one of her trance words) that by giving up control, surrendering to the power of the experience, you are fully embracing the process of enjoying this adventure and actually become more powerful.
Her: Yeah, wow. Pupils dilating. And then I continued …So then the final part of my script was this. And after that long day on the ski slope you can come back to one of our luxurious cabins and enjoy the warmth of our quality redwood hot tubs. It like you can just stop and begin by stripping away all of your clothes and just slide inside, feeling the warmth as it penetrates all throughout your body and the color of that warmth begins to flow, until you come ... to the conclusion that you want to come to out resort … so which credit card will that be. I then tapped the table with my finger at a spot just in front of me and to my left about where a server would put the check if they were giving it to me (hey, she already at least she owed me dinner after all of this, but I didn't want to leave anything to chance).
Her: damn it there you go again. You and your word choice, its just like your story …
Me: Yeah and notice how as you think about that, those feeling can just come flooding right through you. (I ran the feelings back through the loop once again) After some fluff talk that inevitably led back towards sex again. We ended up talking about attraction and relationships again. I said to her, I've been told that my outlook is different than that of many guys. Its just like this article I read about how men and women feel attraction. They were saying that a lot of guys go out and pick out a woman and then say "I'm going to make you mine," and project all of those characteristics of an ideal lover onto the woman they have chosen based on that first initial attraction (gesture away and to the left). However for women the article was saying that often that first attraction is a more physical sensation, right in here, I sensed disagreement so I went on to give a choice. My friend Mandy (this was actually based on a true story that I captured on an IM conversation three years ago) was saying that for her there were 2 different kinds of attractions, one could start here, chest point, but another one started down here, a more earthy kind of lust where you just know you are going to get totally fucked… Then I went through and amplified the feelings.
Then she asked me if I felt any physical sensations tied to emotions. I said I didn't used to, but more recently as I have become more aware of myself and what I really want, I think that a woman's physical appearance is not enough, in fact some of the women I have enjoyed the most did not appear physically attractive to me at first. But then at a certain point I would get a feeling deep down where I just knew I was going to enjoy the experience with them, I could just tell the sex was going to awesome, it's just like that ritual I told you about with the chakras and the cords of light. Now with me, I have learned when to just trust this feeling of attraction that lets me know I am going to have a great experience. In addition to the sexual chemistry it is very important to be with a woman that is highly intelligent that can challenge me intellectually, and that will treat me and my time with respect. No amount of physical beauty or anything else can compensate for that part, which is one of the things I look for early on if there is to be any meaningful future with this person.
At this point she started to get a little defensive because she thought I was alluding to her tardiness earlier in the evening. I said "hey I'm over it now that I have food and a little drink in me." At the end of the evening, the server came with the check and put it down right in front of me and right on top of the spot I had anchored on the table. Without hesitation she reached across the table, "my treat I invited you out to dinner as my guest." I just smiled. She walked with me back toward the Metro. Before we parted company we made out again and I pulled her tight against me, then pulled her hair, kissed and bit her neck and then I stopped kissing first and hoped onto the escalator. She said you've given me much to masturbate to, I nearly rubbed myself raw from that story before. I said yeah, you don't have to imagine what it will be like when we have fun together, but as you think about it you know we would have way too much fun.
I finally wrote this one up, same night lay that appears to be going the friends with benefits route right now. The sarging started when I met up with "Stronghold" at McFadden’s for April birthday night where anyone born in April drinks free, unfortunately I was not born in April but it was still fun.
I spent some time trying to get a feel for the vibe and get into a really good state although I wasn’t feeling it for awhile. Stronghold and I were just cooking up opinion openers for the hell of it to practice shit test ability. From that standpoint it was working. One chick even interrupted our improvised zoolander opinion opener, by feeding it to us first. It was funny but we weren’t really getting anything to hook.
Things started to get better as we wandered away from the bar, although I was pretty hungry. Stronghold and I were about to bounce and meet up with Dare, Ignite and Fearless in Georgetown when he persuaded me to make one last approach. So you’re energy is low and you’re hungry and you’re not feeling the whole college crowd thing. One more opener, ultra-high energy just roll with it.
The OpenerI walked right up to this cute blonde about average height, blonde hair, blue eyes, perky D cups, with a laid-back approachable vibe who was relatively sober. I led with a high-energy social opener as if she were my best friend ever. One thing lead to another and her friends just kind of faded out and disappeared. She was grom North Carolina, had gone to a top 10 school and had been a biology major and was now a management consultant for a top firm in the field. She travels for business and is only in DC for the weekends. It also turns out she had graduated from the same high school I went to in Florida after her parents moved there and her birthdate was the day after mine.
Deepening RapportI segued into the instantaneous connection pattern from the other commonalities that we had, I started by shifting my state of mind to match the description I was about to give “wow, isn’t it amazing how sometimes you meet someone and just feel that instantaneous connection … and its like you feel like you’ve always known this person, (gesture to the left, past time line) almost like you were meant to meet them, and its like you can imagine a time in the future looking back on today as having been the start of it (gesture to the right for the future pace).”
I put in the past and future pacing as a way to pre empt any back end LMR by going around the resistance, suggesting that things had already taken place and would in the future. She agreed and said it was uncanny how much we had in common. I then set a loop back to amplify and solidify the emotional connection, isn’t it interesting how when you meet this person and feel that, how those feelings can just come flooding right through you. She nodded and I saw a slight flush and pupil dilation although only for a moment, she appeared to be relatively low in terms of emotional reactions. I also took this to mean that she was primarily a logical type with a quick mind, which I think is good because it means states hook and amplify faster, although her mind will also move along quickly too.
More Comfort-buildingSince I had already established some pretty deep rapport, much of it based on the dumb luck of having gone to the same high school, I transitioned into some comfort-building types of stories linked together with the overall theme of learning persuasion psychology. We fluff talked about the high school that we had both gone to and a few other things. She was on the dance team and I told her about the torture it was being a guy in high school with all of those short skirts and spandex, she sympathized. I don’t know if you can imagine what it is like to be a teen age boy in high school and to be in a state of high arousal almost all day, and its like everywhere you look you’re like ohhh I’d love to fuck her. In an innocent little boy kind of voice, I said “all I wanted was to meet a nice girl and have lots and lots of sex, I promise I aim to please, she laughed (I cocked my head slightly to the side to convey the emotion and also anchor the state.) I described to her the process of learning that I got from various female friends and quoted bits and pieces of their stories and how this was leading toward where I was now heading as a seminar teacher. I even quoted some of my own sexual exploits at high school speech and debate tournaments with bits and pieces of weasel phrases and embedded commands mixed in, which she seemed to find pretty entertaining.
I continued the theme of my process of learning persuasion psychology, shifting from high school debate on to college and politics and sales jobs. Then I lead into a modified portion of the blow job pattern while describing my experience as a telemarketer for a time-share resort company back when I was in college (slightly softened by quoting myself and leading with a weasel phrase). I described body-sensations linked to the hot tub. Once again I got some color from her and a slight bite of the lip, I mirrored it back.
At some point Stronghold came by with a woman in tow and it looked like he had some things going, so after a brief introduction where I told her that if he hadn’t pushed me I would have gotten food and I would not have met her. Then he went back to his girl and I went back to talking to mine.
More QualificationI then talked to her about how this wasn’t my type of bar, most of these little girls don’t have much to offer besides their looks. I set a challenging frame for her to uphold by talking about how I don’t normally date anyone under 25 (she was 24), although perhaps there might be some exceptions, that I considered my 22 year old sister to be pretty mature for her age. But that most younger women didn’t have a strong sense of self and cared too much about what their friends thought and don’t seem confident enough to just go for what they want (self-point). She said that she was pretty mature and knew what she wanted but that she believed some guys are scared off by women that are powerful and direct, I assured her she could be herself around me and just be comfortable.
Her QualificationShe asked what type of woman I was into and I described a combination of high intellect, high sex drive and logical thinking. I then transitioned into my friends with benefits pattern where I basically say I’m not looking for a relationship right now because life is crazy and all that, but at the same time if you both really like each other and the sex is really hot, then why not come back for seconds. Wouldn’t it be great if you could be friends with someone and feel really comfortable but at the same time have this unbelievably strong sexual attraction without all the games and things that can happen in relationships. She agreed that sentiment, especially since she frequently travels as a consultant.
Venue Close/ Physical CloseAt this point I really was getting hungry and so I asked her if she wanted to leave and get some food. She told me her friends had already left. So we walked out to my car and started to drive home, I told her I’d just gone shopping at Trader Joe’s and had some applewood smoked bacon and banana waffles, so we could just go back to my house, and so we did. We started making out on the back deck and then rolled on into my bed room. No LMR this time, although at the last moment she asked me as she looked up at me with a slightly vulnerable look in her eye, “is this just tonight, or maybe something more?” I paused and said well I can’t make any promises but if we enjoy each others company I’m sure we will see each other again.
Interesting epilogue.For pillow talk I was describing the Pick-up Artist community and the different branches of it. I asked her what first attracted me to her. She said that she liked the fact that I didn’t try to ask her “a stupid contrived question, you were just warm and friendly” She told me that the PUA scene was pretty obnoxious out in Phoenix, Arizona, both the men and the women, with men trying to copy some TV show called the Pick-up Artist. I said “oh, you mean opinion openers” Her: “what you have names for these things. I mean come on who cares if someone’s girlfriend is jealous or not. Really I don’t care, it’s a dumb question and a waste of time, even if it were real the guy should just get over it and find a chick that’s not screwed up.” She also did not like the concept of negs, “yeah, they work, but they work on the wrong kind of woman, if she’s going to base her self-esteem on gaining your approval she is probably going to be kind of needy and unstable.” Of course a false disqualifier and a challenge to her intellect had proven to be effective …
Later I said, this is the most rounds I’ve gone with a girl this calendar year. A little while later she said this breaks my virginity for this calendar year.
Last weekend Saturday night she sent me a text “Last weekend was fun. Call me tonight if you want to take a break from “picking up chicks.” Eventually we met up again J
Reflection and Analysis:One question I asked myself recently was why was I hitting last minute resistance when that is something I have rarely encountered over the years, what am I not doing now that I used to do. Some people have suggested spending longer amounts of time building “comfort,” is the answer, and that argument has many valid points to it. However in my experience this is not usually necessary in terms of the amount of time spent itself. I believe spending more linear time can help in so far as you are meeting the expectation of a traditional dating frame, however I believe that deliberately doing other things to build deep rapport and comfort, including past and future pacing is just as effective as well as being faster and more precise. The benefits of spending more time, when it works, are probably going to include doing various things that can build rapport and comfort, (vibing) i.e. non-verbal matching, mirroring, pacing, eliciting and/or demonstrating values, inadvertently hitting bits and pieces of language patterns that match her reality in terms of comfort and attraction and creating the perception that you have spent some significant amount of time together. However since human emotions are simply processes I think the question to ask is what emotions or processes are being triggered during your comfort building stage and what steps can be taken to install or elicit those processes. Then you can spend more time if you want to for your own comfort and enjoyment or simply install using language patterns or use directed questions to get her talking about her own processes and then mirror them back to you.
Adding in more qualification during rapid-close same-night-lays is another important part of the process. I think most of the time I have gotten satisfactory results by announcing right up front that I am not really looking for a relationship, and either a one-night stand or preferably a friend with benefits. While this would appear to fly in the face of convention wisdom, it does work in the right context under the right circumstances.
1) Since I usually bring this up after I have established a high degree of attraction and rapport I believe it is possible that some women are agreeing just so that they will not be disqualified, or because it presents a challenge.
2) I believe this builds comfort and trust in that you are being very open about your intentions when women generally know that guys are motivated by sex anyway. This brings things to the surface where you can verbally address any objections as well as convey your appreciation and understanding of women as sexual beings.
3) It also helps a woman understand what type of frame or context she should apply to the interaction and it helps them to have sex outside the context of a relationship in such a way that they can feel good about themselves and know that I will treat then with respect and that I will not just “fuck and run.” I believe the concern about first-night sex leading to them never seeing a guy again is a common reason for last minute resistance when it appears that otherwise everything is going alright.
Her: 5/1/08 10:00 PM Got tipsy (read horny) in first class. What are you up to?
Me: About to head home, up for some
Her: Me too. Come and get me :)
LR 03-28-2008: A model/ actress and overcoming interruptions and drama from jealous sorority sisters
A few minutes of light fun fluff talk where I teased her about being a Jersey girl, and lots of touching, including little hugs, briefly massaging her shoulders among other things. I learned that she was a Jersey girl visiting from New York to see her college sorority sisters from W and L. She is also an actress and print model as I later learned when she friended me. She turned to talk to one of her friends and I got introduced to them and I talked to them for a few minutes. Then they started talking amongst themselves again and one or two of them left, so I went back into isolation. I segued into Instantaneous Connection pattern light, my sister is in a sorority in college, isn’t it great how you can feel that bond… Her eyes looked up and to the left and she took a deep breath and put her hand on her chest kind of over her heart. I mirrored the eye movement and gesture back to her and then transitioned into the pattern linking to myself. Its just like when you meet this person and feel this instantaneous connection with them …
Then I moved into some signal recognition patterns, what is the first signal you get on the inside that let’s you know you’re attracted to this guy, at first she said she didn’t recognize the feeling, which is not too uncommon for a girl that’s just out of college, but her eyes looked up and she bit her lower lip. I mirrored it back to start the loop. I tried to get her to describe the feeling so I could work with it, “a friend of mine said that sometimes she would feel butterflies in her tummy and this feeling starts here and begins to flow … here” and gestured with my hands up from my stomach. This seemed to get things moving and I got her to the color part, for the shape I got a blank, so I just said if you were to give it a shape … Then I took the red circle and turned it into a filter. She blushed a little and I gave her another big hug and then massaged her back just a little.
We talked about things like “The Secret” and the law of manifestation and energy. Since she was a singer and actor I worked with an old pattern that relates to the energy feedback loop of being a performer on stage. We talk about going for what you want in life.
She wanted to dance and so I orchestrated a venue change to Rocketbar where the rest of my guys had gone. It took a moment to get everyone ready to go and then once we were outside one of the friends was inside with a guy. We told her just to bring the guy with her, but he stayed and I think they exchanged numbers.
At rocketbar, the male to female ratio appeared to be significantly less favorable than it had been at 10:00. Dark curly hair buys me a long island and we sit back and talk along-side the bar. Seemingly out of nowhere one of her friends (let's call her bitchy blonde) starts to aggressively interrupt, actually positioning herself between the two of us. My girl holds onto my hand and is clearly not going along with whatever her friend is trying to do, but is trying to be non-confrontational.
My girl moves away for a moment and I end up talking to the guy who we had thought was bitchy blondes boyfriend. It turns out he was just along for a date and had barely met her, there did not appear to be too much chemistry and he said that bitchy blonde was just trying to look out for her friend. Then the blonde starts in on me, don’t be trying to take my girl away from me, and I said we’ve been standing here the whole time, but I understand you haven’t seen your friend in a long time and want to catch up with her this weekend. Then she starts threatening me, “I’ll kick your ass and cut you if you do anything bad to my friend.” I just said, “cool, its good to know you care about your friend” in an unaffected, indifferent manner. This pissed off the girl so she got even more wound up and I said, it sounds like you don’t trust your friend’s judgment. She said I sounded defensive and I told her that threatening violence seemed like an attack. I said I felt bad for her, (with some fake sympathy) because she must have had some really bad experiences with men in the past. I also said it sounded like she didn’t trust her friend’s judgment.
I brought in Dare and Fearless for some backup to deal with what now appeared to be jealous obstacles. Fearless appeared to have short little brunette locked in for awhile. At some point things started to fall apart again, her other friend had dragged my girl off toward the bathroom. Then next thing I knew my girl is heading for the door. I try to talk to her but she doesn’t want to talk and heads upstairs. I hesitated for a moment, briefly spoke with Dare and then headed outside after her. She was near the point of tears and I learned that her friends had told her to go home.
The only problem was she was supposed to be staying with them and now she was outside and they were still in the bar. So, I told her what her friend had said to me and how she didn’t seem to trust her judgment. I also told her about how she and the guy didn’t really know each other. This got her going about how her friend was jealous and “always did this in college,” and they were “always getting in the way when she was talking to a guy and trying to run her life.” She said she was tired of drama and that she didn’t want to spend time with her friends anymore and didn’t know what she was going to do for a place to stay. I offered my place for her (she had clothes with her in her bag) and suggested we could go to the bar across the street.
My response, "isn’t it too bad she can’t just be happy for you." She nodded with this sad look on her face and thanked me for understanding. Her friends approached us on the sidewalk and she turned away as they approached. Bitchy blonde tried to be nice to me and say I was actually a really good guy, perhaps in response to seeing her friend run away and then appear to pick me over her. The girls left us outside and then I went back in to get my jacket.
A few minutes later we went to Clyde’s and Dare and Fearless met up with us and she told me about her relationship with her sorority sister girls. Then we drove back to Virginia, she apologized for imposing upon me and for the drama with her friends. I reframed it and told her that it was not her fault but that her friend must have deep-seated anger at men based on past experience and was jealous. She talked about she lives life without regret, hmm, how is this going to come in handy.
Back at my house one of the most protracted Last Minute Resistance struggles I’ve had in awhile began, before I finally closed things. Among the reasons, A) She was drunk during much of the emotional connection building at the beginning of the sarge, so it was now weakened or forgotten now that she was more sober. B) She was a more highly emotional type that I am used to dealing with and the drama with her friends interrupted things. C) Being young and thoroughly confused.
She changed to get dressed for bed while I grabbed some food from the kitchen. Then after making out, getting the top off getting plenty of physical arousal she resisted at the pants. I backed off and then moved to a back massage which became a full body massage, she compliments me and gets into it and I escalate things and then the attempt to just escalate and plow once again hits the wall. So I back off for awhile, get her to turn off the lights and roll over like I'm going to sleep. She reinitiates contact then once things escalate stops me again. Then I try to engage her in conversation, getting her to talk so I can figure out exactly what the objections are and then lay them to rest, reframe them or plow through with negation.
She started telling a story about how she made a new year’s resolution of chastity and about some bad experience of sleeping with a married man. At this point, I decided to give up dealing with this as token LMR that calls for empathy, comfort and understanding and deal with it as bullshit to be taken out tactically. I tried to get her to admit that her reason was silly and that she was contradicting herself by living her life based on regret.
She disagreed about her “bad experience” as having been regret but then agreed and told me that she would regret not sleeping with me. I ran a negation pattern about how she shouldn’t be feeling this and that and I escalated with vivid David Shade style dirty talk and physical escalation and then future paced the feelings, "imagine what it will be like when, and then imagine looking back on these feelings, now." Future pacing and negation are both ways around resistance, combining the two should be pretty potent.
This appeared to be making progress and then I backed off, and said I was going to go to sleep. She said I'm sure you've been with lots of women and asked how many women I had been with, how many recently. I told her that I usually go for women that are older than her, usually older than 25 because they know what they want and aren’t afraid to go for it without regret or caring what their friends would think.
She said she was cold and I said what do you want me to do about it? At this point I wanted to put the ball in her court, because I was tired of hitting a brick wall and also realized she had to make this her decision. I said we’ll find a way to warm you up and pushed some covers her direction. She said how would you warm me up? I don’t know, here I’ll give you a cuddle and a squeeze, in a flat, not-quite sarcastic tone (although I was feeling pretty damn sarcastic). With a disappointed sigh, she said "oh, well I was kind of expecting something else." So then I said what, "what you want me to fuck you?" She didn’t answer directly. So I said, "well maybe if you ask nicely, I will consider it." She recoiled turning her head away from me and then said I’m not going to say that. I said "I’ve offered it and you didn't go for this opportunity (put her hand on my dick) and I'm tired of offering." Then she said, "do you have a condom?"
The next day her friends stopped by my house to pick her up. They were actually pretty decent in that they didn’t call real early in the morning and then once they did call they took their time getting there. My girl got me to put on the snake skin cowboy hat, mardi gras beads and even some ski goggles to greet her friends. Once we started talking short little brunette returns to form and said that I should give advance warning if I was going to take a girl home that is an out of town guest staying with them. At this point I got frustrated again, was then woman actually being bitchy to me first thing in the morning in my own living room?
In a calm tone to attempt to conceal my irritation, I told her that I really had no intention of doing anything that night since I knew she was staying with her friends, that is until your clumsy attempts to interrupt drove your friend right into my arms. I told bitchy blonde “thank you” with a big grin, “thank you for serving up your friend to me on a silver platter.” Her jaw dropped, and for a moment there was finally silence, sweet silence.
I'll admit as I reflected back on the night I'm not proud of all of the things that I did, and may have been a little harsh. I did lose my cool a little and the situation really threw me off a little. Overall though it was a pretty good night, one that tested me considerably, but also made me realize that in the future I would probably just not pursue a situation like that.
Background from Friday 3/7 FR
I was outside with Strats and some guy who is part of the ask romeo group. We talked business and compared different styles of pickup and then a cute brunette, slightly older but with a really nice ass (HB Cougar) approached and asks about the red and black snake skin cowboy hat. She has been a ski instructor before and is a bicyclist. So I said you must have a really really nice ass, so I grab it and check out the goodies, and then voice my approval. She said she is married and showed me the ring but she asked me to dance and led me out onto the dance floor where we make out and I pull her crotch right against my right upper thigh while holding onto her hips firmly and kissing her neck, including the nape which rapidly ramped up her horniness, thank you Sir Mix A lot and Bell Biv Devoe (That Girl is Poison). She checks me out feels my arms, chest and ass. It turns out she was only going to be here for the weekend, which is very good in my book because I have urgency and a time constraint to use as leverage when setting the frame. Her friend finally pulls her away, I swear if guys could just pickup all the jealous friends standing alone while their friend grinds away they would never even have to do their own approaches J. We exchange phone numbers and talk about meeting up during the daytime on Saturday.
She called at 3 AM on Friday night/ Sat early AM but apparently my phone was set to ring and not vibrate so I didn’t hear it and didn’t realize she’d called until later. When I spoke with her the next day, it looked like daytime wasn’t going to work so I told her to meet me out on the Adams Morgan strip. Her friends and her ended up starting at Old Ebbit Grill next to the White House and then stayed there. In the meantime the girl that I picked up from Lucky Bar in less than 30 minutes back in mid January was texting me, trying to get some. She’s on my shit list for various reasons, so I let it dangle.
HB back calls at around 3 AM right after I had dropped off Dare and Natural and another guy near McFadden’s while I was giving Fate a ride back to his apartment. I drop by and there are two guys two girls. My target comes up, hair more reddish than I had thought, a little bit older but still pretty good and gives me a hug, completely ignoring some other guy she had been talking to in a Navy uniform. I make out with her, pull her close and give her big booty a smack. I wanted to remind her of where we were at last night. Her friend is talking to a guy who looks sort of like Emmitt Smith, who seems to have decent game and seems to have the other woman intrigued.
“Emmitt” knows some after hours place where we can drink over in Chinatown. I tried a test close to get HB Back to go with me, but she wanted to hang out longer with her friend. Upstairs in a private dining area of a restaurant in Chinatown we hangout and the other guy hooks all of us up with food and drink. HB fuck buddy from Lucky Bar in January that had texted me earlier hits me back with a vague, “what’s going on?” While my woman is waiting for the bathroom her friend talks to me and says that she is so glad her friend met me, that I’m hot and that it was good for her ego and that younger guys are better in bed and that I seemed really great. So of course I was just eating it up. As we were talking she spoke of a young military guy that she picked up and said “yeah I’m a cougar,” I jokingly did the cougar claws and said “rar” for effect. I pattern some things back to her about how women get better at owning their sexuality as they get older and stuff like that. The friend was now totally in my court.
Later my woman and I bond, it turns out she is very smart and took college math classes starting in 6th grade and now runs a bike shop and comes to Washington periodically to lobby congress to offer employers transportation tax credits as part of the energy bill. She and her friend were party girls and still are.
Later its time to go and the friend closes me, you’re coming back to the hotel room with us, right? Once there I head up to the hotel room but then find a way to bail after the other two get naked in the bathroom and stumble out onto the bed, right as I’m about to take off my woman’s top.
She asks, “why me,” and I realized that I had never bothered to qualify and validate her. I told her that it had been awhile since I had been with a woman that was not right around my age range or younger so the novelty was interesting and that I thought she was hot and had great energy. Then I said I need to go home, because I was miserable, between blue balls and IBS symptoms that I have that tend to act up when I’m out drinking, but she was welcome to come with back to Virginia. HB cougar and her friend have a “pow wow” in the bathroom while “long dong” who is lying naked on the other bed waiting for his chick to get back. I think it centered on whether the friend was ok being with the other guy and on whether or not my woman was actually going to go home with me or not. Perhaps the friend gave a little extra nudge, but I felt the rapport I established earlier definitely helped in this case.
They come out, the friend wrapped in just a towel, she ends up topless on the other bed, I had to restraint myself from grabbing and nibbling on those tits. Finally 7 AM and we’re heading back home while the first lights of day are starting to break. I casually say something like those two look like they’re going to have fun and she says that her friend has restraint. Hmm, naked in bed with a guy and nothing’s going to happen, gotta love chick stories, the funny thing is her friend really didn’t seem to care what other people would think.
Perhaps this has happened to you. If it hasn’t happened yet, trust me as you begin to get really good at this you will encounter this type of scenario as you try to pull women home with you from bars and clubs. You meet a woman and things are going very nicely until a friend or acquaintance of hers interrupts and screws everything up.
For example: one night I met a really cute blonde at a bar in Adams Morgan just by walking up to her and saying hi in a friendly, energetic way. She initiated touch with me within minutes of talking and things were going great, so I kept escalating rapidly. Then we went upstairs and made out and ground against each other on the couch. I was just about to take her home with me when her friends showed up and physically dragged her out of the bar and put her in a cab home. Wow, it happened so fast and I couldn’t come up with an effective response.
What could I have done differently and what can you do to prevent that from happening to you?
- Some would argue that you should not physically escalate unless you are already in a place where you can take things physical, or that you should not escalate a situation that rapidly. However I don't like that approach because that approach assumes that a woman is not looking for a powerful rapid sexual escalation, which is very often not true. I have found rapidly escalating your interaction in a sexual way is very effective and has actually led to some of my longest-term relationships.
- Another possible way of acting would be to use wingmen to occupy the friends so that they can’t possibly interfere. However that assumes that her “friends” are going to get in the way and it also makes work for your wingmen who may not want to or be able to keep the friends occupied.
- Or you could attempt to win over the friends so that they like you. However this assumes that A) the friends need to be won over for the woman to decide she wants to be with you and B) that you can win them over.
- In my perspective there is a much better and easier way to rapidly build attraction with a woman and also take care of the possibility of friend interrupts. Assuming the woman is not too drunk or tired: Build solid amounts of attraction and comfort with the woman you want to be with AND for added benefit inoculate again the interruptions before they happen.
Before we discuss what inoculation is and some ways to do it, let’s examine a few reasons why a woman’s friends would try to pull her away when it appears she is enjoying your company. Some reasons appear to be because the friends are looking out for the woman’s best interests and others are because of the friend’s own agenda, while still other interruptions are not really a problem to be concerned about.
First a few interruptions to not worry about:
- Her friend is checking in to see how she is doing, to confirm that you are at least a halfway decent guy and to give her a graceful way to leave the conversation.
- The friend is just stopping by to give news that she or some of her friends are leaving to another venue or part of the venue, ut not because she is trying to pull you guys apart. There are several options, but once again necessarily a problem, she may invite you to go with, or decline her friends and stay with you.
These interuptions could be a problem:
- The friend could be concerned that your woman of interest is going to do something she will regret later, but it has nothing to do with you. Rather the friend is concerned because she believes your woman is too drunk or has been dealing with some stressful, emotional events in her life.
But in spite of the circumstances the woman with you might still want to hook up and is sure she knows best for herself if you have structured things correctly and if she is still relatively lucid.
- The friend(s) are jealous about the attention your woman is receiving from you or are just angry at men in general.
If this is the case you have a situation that can work to your advantage, because if the women know each other well this has probably happened before. However rather than attempt to deal engage the friends or have your wingmen engage the friends at this stage in the game, focus on the woman. A woman that is sufficiently interested in you will get mad at her friends trying to get in the way and will continue to pay attention to you. If you get a moment to talk you could always jokingly say something like “do they always act this way?” Or even something like “do your friends ever get jealous that you get all of the attention?”
- The woman is sending signals to her friend that she wants to be pulled away but you are missing them. Obviously if this is the case there is not much you can do. However if you are good at reading her body language and she is having a good time this won’t happen too often.
- The friend thinks you’re a “player.”
Notice I said the friend and not the woman you are talking to. This is a different scenario of a “friend” attempting to be protective or impose her values. The "player" part could just be part of playing the “bad boy” role. If your woman of the night has already realized this, and is ok with you, any “friend” attempts to pull you away can work to your advantage and might drive her further into your arms.
Now that we’ve discussed these possible scenarios, let’s get back to inoculation. The dictionary definition of inoculate means to do something to prevent something bad from happening, i.e. an illness. In the context of your seduction it means building-in ways to handle common resistance and interrupts before they happen. Here are a few ways:
1) Get her to ratify the experience, that is have her tell you she is having a good time as the two of you interact. You can do this by casually asking her if she is having a good time at a time when it is obvious that she is. When she says to you that she is having a good time, it ratified the experience or make it more real to her.
“I know at some point in the night your friends are going to come over to check on you and when they do just tell them you are just fine and having a good time (nod your head yes as you say this.” You can say this sincerely or you can say it in a cocky funny way and she might have a witty comeback. But if she likes you, rest assured the message will get laughed in and you have just given her some ammo she can use if necessary.
2) Another less direct way is to bring up the topic by quoting someone else in the context of a story and use that to suggest ways for her to deal with interruptions. For example “I was talking to a female friend of mine the other day and she was describing the buddy system that women have to make sure that no one is left behind. However she told me that sometimes women have signals where they can tell if their friend wants to be left alone. Do you and your friends do that?” As she starts talking she will inevitably think about how she will handle things if her friends attempt to interrupt. You might also steer the conversation towards how women can be jealous and want to interrupt just because they aren’t getting any attention.
3) Still another way to handle it is to part of your qualification of her and establish the frame of the interaction. You want her behavior to uphold a standard for how you like women to act. For example “I like a strong woman who isn’t afraid to go for what she wants, in spite of what others may think.” This is ambiguous and can relate to many areas of life, but it is something she will want to demonstrate. One way for her to demonstrate that she is a strong woman is to stay with you even if her friends don’t want her to.
So there now we have reviewed a few possible kinds of interruptions and a some ways to preemptively handle them by inoculation. With this tool in your arsenal you have one more method to handle this contingency. Happy sarging!