Thursday, December 11, 2008

If she is interested keep going

One mistake I have seen many men make as they start learning to become more confident with women is that they make some progress with a woman and then stop. Perhaps the conversation stalls momentarily after they have some strong initial interest. Or maybe you start trying some methods of communication that are new to you, i.e. humorous banter, being more teasing and challenging to the woman and they are working but then you slow down or stop doing what was working. The advice I have is if things are going, then KEEP GOING until you get to a point where you can’t go any further and then wait until that point and then stop.

This is where playing it “safe” can really be a problem in part because you have lost sight of your goal. Assuming your goal is to have a sexual relationship with a woman that you are attracted to and have started talking to it might be tempting to stop at some point and ask for a phone number. Depending on the logistics of the situation this might not be a bad thing. For example you meet at a coffee shop or some other time where one of you has to go for some reason that can’t be changed, i.e. getting back to work etc. However if you could have continued the interaction you are better off doing it right then while you are in a good state and she is also in a good state.

One concept that I think is very important in any area of life, but especially in your communication with women is momentum. If things are going well, let the good times roll. However if things are interrupted you do have rebuild some of the emotional states that you have established before. This advice is not meant to be universal, sometimes you do need to stop because of logistics or circumstances, however being resourceful and focused on your end goal will keep you on track if you want to keep it going.

Another important concept is to be determined to do what works. I don't mean this in a way in which you are compromising your values or doing anything deceitful. Rather I mean do things that are getting results rather than doing what you are familiar with if it was not working in the past. Changing the way in which you communicate with women won't always be easy or feel comfortable, but if you are committed to pushing the envelop then you have a chance of getting results that might go beyond what you ever could have imagined was possible.

Be Observant - Demonstrate awareness and understanding of her reality

One key to building rapport and to leading a social interaction is the ability to demonstrate authority and understanding of what is real in her world. By authority I don’t mean the kind of authority that involves dictating what someone can and cannot do. The kind of authority I mean is to demonstrate understanding and awareness of who she is as a person, what her current situation is and what she is probably thinking. By real I mean that each person's reality is uniquely different. This includes what is going on, what is important to her and how she responds to what is going on around her.

A technique for building this understanding and authority is to verbalize what is happening in the present moment with her and her surrounding environment to demonstrate understanding. One thing you can do is to “call out the elephant in the room.” For example if something happens that is obvious that she noticed or that is distracting, such as a bar fight where the bouncers roughly escort someone out of the room then you should mention this. Another example would be to make a humorous observation on some guy trying to hit on a friend of hers.

Demonstrating awareness of the surrounding environment can be used as a way to get her comfortable with following your lead. For example, wow there’s a big fight over there, let’s take a few steps over this way. Basically any observation that is used to pace her reality can be an opportunity to lead and see if she will follow your lead. Even simply moving a few steps from where you are presently standing can make a difference in terms of getting her to begin to follow your lead.

Or you could make an observation about her body posture, how she carries herself, or her facial expression and turn it into something akin to a cold read. Right or wrong the fact that you noticed something about her besides physical attraction. the current environment like, “it looks like you are out with your friends for a girls night out. Perhaps we should hang out some other time when there are not all of these other things going on.” Whether the observation turns out to be true or not it is another way to get an idea of what kind of logistics you are dealing with without asking it as a question.

By verbalizing your observation, it gives her the opportunity to explain how she knows the people she is around and it gives you a way for you to figure out the logistics to plan your night. For example she could say, “I don’t really even know most of these women, and came here separately.” Or she might say “yeah, I haven’t seen these girls in awhile, but I’d love to talk to you some other time.” That way you know early on in the evening whether you should build toward taking her home that night or if you should build some rapport but know that you’re better off angling for a phone number or schedule another time to meet.

Putting Women on a Pedestal

One thing that men do and especially those who haven't had as much success with women - is they tend to put a woman on a pedestal based on their attraction to her physical appearance. This crush gets compounded if he mistakes polite friendliness for sexual interest, without ever getting to know who she is as a person or establish if she is actually attracted to him. The phenomenon of projecting positive characteristics on to someone because they like them is known as the “halo effect” in psychology.

Making a woman "perfect" in your mind completely screws up how you would pursue a potential relationship with her. A much better approach before you project too many positive qualities onto her is to talk to her with an open mind while actively looking for and screening for the non-physical appearance qualities that you desire in a woman. Before you project things onto her talk to her with an open mind and see what you see about her. You might find that while she was physically very attractive to you at first that it fades when you learn more about her. Observe and see how she responds to you and to what you are communicating. Is she attracted to you or just being friendly and polite?

Know that if you attempt to buy her things or be “nice” without her first having accepted that she is attracted to you it will be seen by her as attempting to buy or beg your way into her pants. Women are used to men doing things to try and win them over, and while it might make them feel good it does not build feelings of attraction or respect for the man who is attempting to buy her affection. A strong, valuable guy does not need to buy anything because he will desired by her just because of who he is. Some women might take advantage of what is being freely given toward them, drinks, gifts etc. but have not have expectation of giving themselves in return.

If you proceed to do or say “nice” things without doing anything to establish that you are interested in her for reasons besides her physical attractiveness (qualifying her) then she could easily conclude that her physical attractiveness is the only thing you are interested in, rather than who she is as a person. If you intrude too much into her space or her time, physical touching when she is not attracted to without her being attracted to you if will tend to drive her away and you will be seen as “creepy.”

Friday, December 5, 2008

Continuing to be a challenge: 6 tips that apply to developing and maintaining a longer-term relationship

As your interaction progresses with a woman, past the first 15 -20 minutes and possibly developing into a longer-term relationship where you see each other on a regular basis you need to be able to keep up the challenge and keep things fresh. Here are 6 tips that apply to developing and maintaining a longer-term relationship that go beyond the ones mentioned in the other post “Be a challenge.”

Part of being a challenge is not just knowing how to challenge her but to be a man who challenges her just by your way of being and living. Are you someone that she can learn from? Do you know how to engage her intellectually, emotionally and sexually? Are you a dynamic person who has goals and is expanding and developing the kind of person he is? Many of these tips naturally follow from being a person with an interesting and dynamic life.

1) Physical Scarcity/ having limited time
Another situation which creates a challenge is when there are barriers to how often you could meet up if ever again. Perhaps you have had this kind of experience before, where you were traveling and you hooked up with someone. Or maybe it was the reverse situation where the woman you met was the one who was traveling and you hit if off and things turned sexual very fast because it was now or never. This type of situation can also exist with time and distance scarcity if you make it clear that you have a very busy work and social schedule with time being scarce, live in another city and/or are frequently traveling for business. If the two of you are seeing less of each other than you would like it will intensify the desire.

2) Emotional/ committed relationship scarcity
Another way of stating this would be to keep deeply emotional statements along the lines of I love you or are we in a relationship conversations from happening too soon. Too much emotional availability too fast can be seen as needy, or just too much and can scare off a woman who is worried about being with a needy guy or who sees emotional commitment as a threat to her self image as independent and non-needy. Some women will even directly say that they are not looking for a relationship, as I discuss in the article “What if she says she’s not looking for a relationship.” One interpretation of that statement from her is that she doesn’t want the emotional side of the relationship to be forced on her, she needs to feel that she is reaching for it when she is ready. However you want to balance this scarcity and “going slow” on the relationship front with being unavailable to the point of just not being able to be there when she is ready for it and it is appropriate. Being unavailable at this point (usually after 6 – 10 weeks of consistent interaction) will drive many women away too, except for those that really want an emotionally unavailable guy to chase with little chance of success which is usually not a good thing.

However by saying early on the interaction (preferably before sex) that you are not looking for a relationship is one way to create a challenge for the woman to overcome. You are not a person who NEEDS a relationship to fill their time or fill a void, you are a person with many competing interests that could make you a great person to be in a relationship with, but that has to be earned over time by a woman based on the relationship that develops between the two of you and not given away to try and get her to like you or have sex with you. While saying you are not looking for a relationship may drive away some women, if you clarify the meaning as I just described a confident open-minded woman that is secure in her desirability and her desire for you will be that much more motivated to win over your heart. And if you really want that then you can let her be successful and she will feel that much more accomplished and secure in a resulting relationship knowing that you weren’t just going to give yourself away.

3) Challenge her self-knowledge
Another way to challenge her is to ask questions that require her to think at a deeper level. For example if she says she is a teacher, ask her what about teaching that she finds most challenging/ fulfilling. This will get her to think in ways that are different, stimulate more interesting conversations that go beyond the normal small talk that people are used to having. It will also give you important insight into how she thinks and what is important to her.

4) Intellectual Challenge
For example suppose you have established a certain level of rapport the first time you have met or maybe the second time when you are at a place where it’s easier to talk without distractions. If she is a more intellectual person, who likes to discuss theories and ideas then talking about topics and ideas that engage her mind and challenge her views and opinions are good. The key is to be able to have discussions where you and her can learn new things rather than have arguments where one person is trying to prove the other person wrong, or that they know more than the other person, or get them to change deeply held political or religious believes.

5) Be interesting, introduce her to new experiences
Other ways you can be challenging are to be an interesting person who introduces variety into your life, and introduces her to new ideas and experiences. This can include going to places and events where you do interesting things. This could include everything from a hike to a museum to a kinky fetish club, it all depends on who you are and what you think she might be open to.

6) Keep things interesting and intense sexually.
You don’t have to do anything too crazy, sometimes even slight variations in technique or in the romantic touches you put on the evening can add much to the experience. The key is to make things really good for her, and she will feel the challenge to reciprocate back by learning new things herself.

So there were 6 more ways that you can continue to be a challenge that go beyond first moments of meeting her, that can also apply to developing and maintaining a longer-term relationship.

Thursday, December 4, 2008

Be challenging

One key element to attracting a woman and keeping her interested over time is to be challenging to her. However there are many ways in which you can be challenging and the ways that you will be challenging will change over time as you interact with her and on the personality of the woman you are interacting with.

Before I discuss different ways in which you can challenge her, let’s talk about why you need to be challenging. Most women who are even moderately attractive get a lot of attention from guys even if they might complain about not getting enough. They have gotten used to the idea that most men are interested in them just because of looks alone. However they are often most attracted to the guys that they are genuinely interested in who they are and that they feel they have to work for and pursue at least a little bit. As a general rule, the more attractive a woman is, or thinks she is, the more of a challenge you need to be to engage her interest.

Another reason for a challenge relates to a woman’s self-esteem, generally a woman with higher self-esteem and goals will need more of a challenge to get her interest and keep her interested over time.

As far as the kinds of challenges that you need to provide: when you first meet a woman one of the ways in which you can be a challenge is to actively demonstrate that you are not entirely interested with her until she has done some things to demonstrate that she is an interesting person besides being physically attractive.

1) Scarcity/ Physically unavailable

When you first meet a woman one of the first things you will want to do things that test and challenge her to find out what kind of person she is. There are many ways to do this, one way is to provide what is often called a false time constraint, i.e. “I can only stay a moment and then I have to get back to my friends,” accompanied by body language that shows you do not intend to stick around. A false time constraint does many things, although one of the reasons it is effective at generating interest is by making you a challenge, which will make them know that they have to be friendly and demonstrate interest in you or else you will not stay.

2) Tease her/ demonstrate disinterest mixed with interest
Another way to challenge her, especially during the first moments after meeting her is to playfully tease her and she will probably tease you back. The reason for this is to show that while you may be interested you are not just going to fall for her just because she is physically attractive and that you do not need her approval. The key here is to adjust and calibrate your teasing to her personality so that you are not hurtfully insulting her. A good guideline is to tease her about something that she would consider to be a strength rather than something she would be self-conscious about. Or do things like compare her to a little sister or friend. This challenges her to make you want her romantically and sexually.

3) Challenge her on qualities that do not involve her physical appearance
Other ways to be challenging include challenging her self-image in a way that includes presenting a personal quality that you look for in a woman. For example you could say something like “I like adventurous women, what is one of the most adventurous things you have ever done?” Some things to look for in her response include how much is she trying to impress you, as well as how genuinely interesting she seems to be. Some women might feel put on the spot and not know what to say, in which case you could share one of your stories first and recalibrate.

Remember to smile or mix in with a compliment when you tease. This will soften the impact of your words and convey a mixed message that is playful and positive while also keeping her guessing. With practice over time you will get better at this and also adapt to your personality and adapt to the personality and the mood of the woman you are talking to.

That is all for now in terms of initial challenges. I will also discuss more challenges that you can use later in the interaction as you escalate the interaction emotionally and sexually. Also learn how to be challenging in the context of a relationship too.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

What if she says "I'm not looking for a relationship"

Q: How do I adjust my approach to a woman who says she is not looking for a relationship? I am in my mid 30s and have gotten past the stage of chasing women just for one-night stands. I have come across some women that say early on in the conversation that they are not looking for a relationship. How should I interpret and respond to what they are saying?

A: There could be a couple reasons why the women you are talking to are saying this depending on the context. First things first, I will say that while a woman might say that she is not looking for a relationship, and may believe to be true about herself that can change if she meets a man that she is attracted to that lets her pursue him in a way that she doesn’t feel pressured about the relationship.

1) One possibility is that the woman feels she is getting the idea that you are looking for a relationship right now from you and/or what you are saying, is not attracted to you and is looking to disqualify herself as a way of rejecting you in a polite and non-confrontational manner. Depending on how the interaction is going you could just take this as a cue to move along or reset the frame and continue.

2) Another possibility is that she has recently gotten out of a relatively long-term relationship and has not been actively pursuing men or accepting advances from men when she normally would for some period of time, ranging from as little as a week or two, to maybe a few months. Since she does not think she is ready for a relationship, she wants to let you know that and see if you are ok with continuing the interaction.

I think this is a potentially ideal situation because you can have a friend with benefits type of situation that may turn into a relationship or it might turn into a close friendship where she introduces you to and helps you with other women.

In my experience this has often been an indicator of a woman who
1) Is not as emotionally needy and has a life that is already pretty full.
2) Is fiercely independent and prideful, might describe herself as a feminist, may have been raised by a single mother or views her mother as having been a strong woman and expects to be actively and equally involved in any relationships that she gets into.
3) May have had relationships before that started based on sex and then later became more of a relationship. She may take a little longer to completely open up on an emotional level and is comfortable with her ability to keep sex and emotional attachment separate.

So how should you respond? Simple agree with her. There are a couple different ways you can do this depending on your personality and the vibe that you have with her. You could be direct and seriously relate with her say something like, great, neither am I and just go on with the conversation. I often continue by saying something that agrees with them and demonstrates understanding or you could be funny and bust on her about talking about a relationship when you are not already going that direction. Just say something like, “I know, sometimes you are just not looking for a relationship and are already happy and your life is already full between work, friends, and hobbies. But a person’s still got needs …”

Tuesday, December 2, 2008

Have interesting engaging conversations

One of the biggest problems I have heard guys mention is that it appears a woman is interested in them but the conversation becomes boring and then dies out. There can be many reasons for this, however the solution is learn how to lead and direct dynamic interesting conversations that build attraction and an emotional connection. To develop an interaction with a woman in a romantic way you need to be able to capture and lead her emotions and that also engages her in a challenging way. This is where it helps to have stories and routines prepared to help get past the period of initially getting to know each other and establishing some basic rapport. Having an idea of what you can say also helps you relax and pay more attention to her without worrying what to say next.

Some good routines include handwriting analysis, which is easy to learn to use and implement using a product called the grapho deck. Other routines include tarot cards, magic tricks, the cube and many more. Knowing one of two routines gives you something to do with the woman which involves her active participation, is emotionally engaging, and challenges her to prove herself in a way that goes beyond her physical appearance. Depending on the kind of routine it can take anywhere from 5 – 20 minutes early on in the conversation and it will introduce topics and reveal things about her that can provide hooks for other things you can talk about.

Another technique that you can do is ask questions that get require a deeper level of thought for her to answer them. For example if you ask a woman what she does for a living and she says that she is a teacher you can then add some depth to the conversation by asking a question like, so what is it about teaching that you find most interesting/ fascinating/ compelling. This will get her talking in a way that gets her thinking about and talking about deeper more meaningful concepts. You can then continue to build rapport by actively listening and by building upon what she says with your own stories.

Another conversational style is to have humorous banter. This is a conversational skill that you can learn to build by being cocky and by busting on her in a funny way that is challenging and shows that you do not take her too seriously. If you have a sarcastic wit you might do this naturally with friends and others that you are already close to. The key is to realize that you can talk to someone you have known only a brief period of time as if you have already known them for a longer period of time. This can build feelings of comfort and familiarity as well as create an atmosphere where you are not taking her too seriously or trying to be too nice, something that many men instinctively do when they are talking to an attractive woman.

So there you have a couple tools and approaches to creating interesting conversations. Stay tuned for more tips and techniques that develop this concept.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Be a Great Listener

Another part of being fully present is in being able to listen to what others have to say and allow them to really feel heard. One of the biggest complaints that women make about men is that they aren’t good at listening. However it has been my experience that a man who demonstrates that he is a good listener while at the same time being strong and masculine is always in demands.

While being a good listener is a powerful way to generate rapport and build an emotional connection with a woman, there may be some situations as you are first meeting a woman where fully demonstrating those skills may be limited. For example there are times when you are initially getting to know a woman before you have established the seduction frame where you want to take care that you don’t come across as too needy. However once you have established an initial degree of attraction and value for yourself you can quickly transition into establishing a connection with your listening skills.

Here are a few tips to practice to help develop your listening skills which you can practice with anyone. Developing these skills will in turn help you when it comes to meeting women and help build an emotional connection with them. As you allow the other person to feel heard your own words and communication will become that much more accepted by the other person and that they are more open to your suggestions (which can be a very good thing).

Pay attention to the person who is speaking

1) Maintain eye contact and allow other people to kind of fade into the background such that the person who is speaking to you seems to fill your field of vision. For people who aren’t used to this it might feel a little uncomfortable at first but it is effective at directing your focus and allowing the other person to feel that they have your full undivided attention.

2) Quiet your own thoughts that would distract you. This can include your rebuttal to what they would say and also any other thoughts that you may have had outside the present moment. A good way to do this is to repeat back their words in your own voice and allow yourself to create images and feelings to bring to life what they are saying.

3) Pause before replying to what the other person says, taking a breath is all the time that is usually necessary. This reinforces that you are actually listening to what the other person is saying and gives them a moment to stop and prepare to listen to you.

4) Use open body language when talking to the other person. In other words make sure that your arms and legs are uncrossed and that you are looking directly at the other person.

5) As you listen summarize and repeat back what you have heard to make sure that you have heard it accurately and to establish commonality. This can also include repeating back the words that they emphasize or lean on. You might also ask open ended questions to continue the line of thought For example she might say that a trip to Africa “expanded” her awareness of the world and of herself. You might say “so this trip really taught you a lot about yourself and how you interact with other people.” What are some other experiences that you would say have really “expanded” your awareness of the world?

6) Contribute your own interesting stories or experiences to build upon what she has said and continue the conversational topic. i.e. I also had an experience awhile back while traveling, although mine was in Europe… Or you can acknowledge what she has said and smoothly transition the conversational topic from one approach to another, i.e. I have found that in addition to traveling I have often had experiences where I can really expand myself in various ways.

Be open and non-judgmental

1) Maintain open body language, to show receptiveness to what they are saying.

2) Be aware of the other person’s body language too, are they uncomfortable talking about some things. Notice and acknowledge what they appear to be feeling. This will build rapport and give them an opportunity to share what they are feeling and change the conversation if they want.

3) If you disagree with something that the other person says always allow the other person to finish without interrupting.

4) If you disagree with them and it’s not important to you, just nod and change the subject. Or if you do disagree and think it is important to express it, do so respectfully in a way that doesn’t make them feel stupid or invalidate them as a person. Differentiate between your disagreement with the idea and your respect and acceptance of the other person.
Use softeners like “I understand where you are coming from/ I respect your opinion/ See how you could think that way, however I respectfully disagree / in my experience/ I see things this way/ have a different opinion/ disagree with that approach or idea …”

5) If you find yourself having a strong emotional reaction to something that someone has said, ask them to clarify what they said. i.e. “Ok, when you said that did you really mean to say that all men are stupid …”

So there are a few things that you can do to develop your skills as an active listener and conversationalist. You will notice that if you focus on 1 or 2 of them every day your conversations with other people will tend to become more interesting and meaningfull.

Being fully present and aware in the moment

One thing that I have noticed over the years is that the times I have been most successful at finding a woman I could really bond with was when I was fully present in the moment. By being fully present, I mean the ability to have your thoughts and awareness be of what is going on the in the present moment around you with people and events. It is common for people to be thinking of ideas in the past, the future or of something different than what is going on right in front of them with the people around them.

Not being fully present also has an impact on your awareness of what is happening with others around you. You might miss subtle social cues, including slight shifts in voice tone or body language that can cue you in on what someone is thinking or feeling. Other people might also interpret your lack of being present to disinterest.

Another possibility is that you could respond inappropriately to things that other people are saying because of the mood that you are in or the experiences that you have recently had.

While there is an abundance of information out there on the spiritual and interpersonal aspects of living in the moment and being fully present, here is an exercise you can do to help improve your overall awareness and intuition.

Pebble in the Pond exercise. Before you go out at night, imagine that your field of vision is the surface of a calm pond. Notice what happens if you drop a pebble in the pond and watch the ripples radiate outward from the center of the pond toward the outside. As the ripples radiate out toward the edge of your field of vision, notice all of the things that are going on in your peripheral vision, notice the different sounds that you can hear, how does the air feel, the fabric of your clothes. Later on in the evening when you first enter a venue do this again, the more you do this exercise the more observant you will notice you are becoming to the present environment of any place that you go to.

Another technique I will discuss another time that is goes hand in hand with this exercise is active listening. There are many things this involves but being able to focus completely on what someone else has to say and non-verbally acknowledging what they have to say is a good place to start.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Be selective - actively screen for the kind of woman you are looking for

One strongly attractive quality in men is their willingness to be selective with women that they meet and to screen for what you are looking for.

1) One reason is that it creates a challenge. Since most attractive women are used to people giving them things and trying to win them over simply because of their looks, the fact that looks alone are not enough challenges her to demonstrate what kind of person she is and what personal qualities make her desirable.

2) It also creates and reinforces the frame where you are the prize. An attractive woman is used to being the prize but is most attracted to someone that they perceive to be as valuable as them or more valuable. Your willingness to be selective implies that you are a valuable person and she is going to be curious to find out what makes you attractive. At the same time due to the “halo effect” she will also have the tendency to project positive qualities onto you simply because she believes that you are a valuable person.

3) As you meet more and more attractive women you will discover that in the long run you are not going to be happy with a woman just because she is attractive. However you can use your behavior to quickly screen for what you are looking for, drawing women out to reveal more about who they are while also pushing away those who are not as attracted to you. Before spending lots of time and effort getting to know her and developing an attraction with her you might want to first discover if she is the type of person you want to get to know.

For example I find it very important that a woman is very sexual and is comfortable with herself and sexuality. Therefore I will be boldly funny and challenging in a sexual way and be sexual in my words and actions and see how she responds. Not all women will respond to that kind of approach, however if she does not respond favorably then you have learned something about her.

I also find it very important that I find a woman that I can have an intelligent conversation with. Within the context of being an attractive desirable person that has established rapport with her you can be intellectually challenging by being knowledgeable and able to have an intelligent conversation.

4) If you are being challenging and she starts trying to prove herself and her desirability to you, you know that she is attempting to qualify herself to you and believes that you are valuable. Once she does that you know that she is on the hook, then you can draw her in further and also recognize and validate how much you like her in a way that is non-needy and builds trust and comfort.

So there you have it, by being selective and actively screening for what you are looking for you are in the drivers seat while being able to find the kind of woman that you want.

Your success with women as an expression of your beliefs

One of the obstacles that can hold men back from their ability to be “successful” with women are their beliefs about women, sexuality, relationships and what is possible.

Here are some believes that are will undermine your ability to be successful with women.

1) A belief that love and romance (and by extension sex) occur “naturally” without any thought or intent about what you want or how you are going to make it happen. This belief is disempowering in that it implies you do not have any control over this important area of your life. However I am willing to bet that since you are reading this blog you DO believe that you can exercise power and choice in this area life.

An important concept I would like to introduce to this topic is that of “locus of control.” Fundamentally this concept asks how much power do you believe you have over what happens in the events in your life. Do you have more of an external locus of control: life happens to you due to factors outside your control or do you have more of an internal locus of control where the people, places and events are something you can control. Obviously you can’t control every thing that happens in life, but there are many things that you can control.

2) That women are not as sexual as men or need to be convinced to have sex without wanting and enjoying it for themselves. This belief presupposes that men are going to need to talk women into sex by begging or buying it from them. It also buys into a notion widely spread in the media that women exchange sex for emotional commitment or a relationship. However the notion that you need to buy women favors to “get” them to have sex with you or that you have to exchange an emotional commitment for sex are simply not true. I would argue that if you do need to do that for a particular woman you are talking to the wrong kinds of woman who is not interested in genuinely contributing to an interaction with you.

Some women some of the time are not looking for any kind of emotional commitment. Maybe they are young and still in a party phase, maybe they recently got out of a relationship, maybe they are very involved in their career. You can’t always tell just from looking at a woman or even how she dresses or acts, but trust me there are a lot of women that at some stage in their lives are not necessarily looking for a “committed” relationship.

Women are also very sexual, if not much more sexual than men. The difference is that women have the ability to compartmentalize sex as a part of their lives in a way that most men don’t. While many women would also like to have a relationship to go with it, they don’t necessarily have to have the relationship before it becomes sexual. In fact some women want to have sex before they get too involved because they want to know that the sexual chemistry is there before allowing themselves to feel more for a man. The powerful feelings created by sex are also a large part of the emotional connection as well.

3) That women are somehow weak or vulnerable so you need to put them on a pedestal or treat them gently so as to not hurt their feelings. This is a problem that many “nice” guys have. While chivalry and respect is appreciated, no woman wants to be treated like she is weak.
Instead of these limiting beliefs here are some believes that are more powerful in being with women.

While the above beliefs will get in the way of your ability to be successful with women, these beliefs will be helpful

1) You can control the circumstances and events necessary to attract a woman to you that you want to be with your ability to communicate and with your awareness and intent. You willingness to improve your own self-image, your awareness of others and your ability to communicate will pay dividends in the kinds of results that you get with women.

2) Women like sex and want it just as much or more than men. Be honest about what you want, if you are just looking for sex without deliberately pursuing a relationship then be honest about it, she might be at the same place in her life. Your willingness to be honest even though it goes against what many men have been socially programmed to believe will build trust and rapport. This even goes for women that say they want a relationship, some women that say they do at first are doing so because that is what they have been programmed to believe or because they do not want to come across as being easy. However if she is attracted to you she might find a way to make an exception.

3) Don’t put a woman on a pedestal. In don’t do or say things, because you are trying to kiss ass to win her over. Also stand up for yourself, call her on her bullshit if she is disrespectful to you. You will find that not only do you feel better about yourself but a woman can actually feel closer to you and trust you more knowing that you are being “real” in your communication with her.

The secret of attracting the “perfect” woman for you

Many times guys have asked me, what is the best secret for drawing women towards you, the kind of women that you would really want for a longer term relationship. Without much buildup or fanfare here are a few key steps that can help steer you in the right direction:

1) You need to know what you want specifically, in terms of looks, interpersonal qualities, values that will be shared in the relationship.

2) Write them down, the process of writing it down brings focus and clarity to your efforts as you specifically describe what you are looking for. For those of you familiar with “The Secret” and the “Law of Attraction” know that there are subconscious and even metaphysical qualities to work with.

3) Prioritize those qualities and write them down. Then be patient with the knowledge that it is not necessarily going to happen overnight. You need to grow and evolve as a person, develop your own self and your social and relationship skills. Be selective with women: set standards and challenges on things other than physical attractiveness.

4) Actively screen for and select based on those personal qualities about her. This has several advantages. One is that when a woman knows that just being hot is not enough, it sets you apart from other men and makes you a challenge which makes you even more attractive to her and really engages her interest. Another advantage is that it helps you find someone you are really going to be attracted to.

Some men are just looking for a woman that is physically attractive and then try to figure it out from there if at all. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but as you get better at attracting attractive women toward you, you will realize that there is no scarcity of attractive women. However if you are past the basic stage of just finding a woman who is “hot” and are looking for a woman that will really blow your mind, the kind that you’ll want to keep around and develop a relationship with that lasts in the long-run, then you need to know what you want.
Of course the problem is knowing what it is that you want, part of this is a process of discovery in which you may know what it is that you don’t want more than what you do want. In several keys areas you will want to find someone that is similar to you and if they are different you want it to be in a way that is complementary not in a way that is conflicting and creates divisive tension or a lack of compatibility.

Do you want a woman that is supportive or your professional interests and hobbies?
Do you want a woman who has her own goals and ambitions?
How important is sexual chemistry to you?
Do you want someone that is very energetic and athletic?
Emotionally mature? This does not necessarily correlate to age.

For example a couple months ago I created a long list of qualities that I wanted my ideal woman to have and I wrote them down to a friend of mine. Now several months later I have finally found what I am looking for. Can I guarantee what will happen in the long-run or if what I am looking for will change someday? Of course not, but for the moment I do feel as if I have found what I am looking for.

Just in case you were curious this is what I personally came up with, not necessarily in order of priority or the order of how I discovered these qualities.

So I guess if I could reduce it down to a formula:

Highly intelligent (good general guideline is gifted level intelligence or above, and I also skew my judgment toward very high verbal intelligence).
Pretty good people judgment/ intelligence, street smart common sense, can advise and help me continue to develop social intelligence
Practical, independent, has goals and ambition, but where I can feel at least somewhat useful as a contributor of advice and encouragement. Even superwoman can use at least a little support.
Emotional maturity
Physical energy, athletic, outgoing, likes to travel
Emotional and interpersonal strength, can stand up for herself, and also help get my back when necessary.
While having her own goals, can be supportive of my goals and ambitions too, and maybe help me stay focused, not as a burdened caretaker but as someone who can offer sound advice and some encouragement.
strong sexual chemistry, sex is hot and we are on the same page, however not a situation where I am carrying things because I have the stronger energy but a meeting a mutual energy where each of us drives the other one even higher.
sexual adventurousness, one thing I've considered was a woman that was interested in hunting down other women with me, or was interested in at least observing the alternative lifestyle community although really I think it just boils down to keeping an edge on things and being able to explore together.
physically attractive, there is actually a pretty wide range of possibility on this one, but I think I need to put some more emphasis on this one than I have in the past. I guess this boils down to
someone who takes care of themselves, keeps in pretty good shape, is at least about 5'5 or taller, white, northern European decent.

= The working definition of what is as close to an ideal of the "perfect" woman that I have come up with.

Friday, November 21, 2008

How outcome dependency effects the concepts of Rejection and Approach Anxiety

One concept that I have been asked about many times is how to deal with rejection and how to overcome approach anxiety. The experiences I have had in my life have given me a different perspective from many of the people who say that they have struggled with it. I have years of work and volunteer experience doing things like canvassing door to door for political candidates, selling door to door and telemarketing. To survive psychologically in sales where your prospects for success are 10% at best and where you face the prospect of being told to “go to hell” on a regular basis you have to develop a different perspective on what rejection is. By the way compared to sales or asking for donations meeting and talking to women is a piece of cake.
1) One thing to realize is that “rejection” and approach anxiety are psychological constructs. They may seem very real and valid to you, but realize that they are not real in a physical sense they are a way of perceiving a situation.

2) Set reasonable expectations based on factors that you can control: You can’t control the mood the other person is in, who they are as a person or how receptive they will be to buying your product, point of view or approach at that moment in time. But you can control your own attitude and how you chose to respond to people places and situations. It is very possible that a lack of your intended outcome from your initial approach had nothing to do with your value as a person, especially since they never got to know you. Know that if you are doing the right types of things you will win some of the time, but not most of the time.

3) Accept that is ok if you feel nervous at first, it is normal, and it is not something to beat yourself up over or force yourself to overcome. You may even discover that even after 100s of conversations you still get nervous sometimes. Just know that if you act in spite of fear you will discover that it gets easier and becomes something you look forward to because it is fun.

4) Be internally validated and interact with people in a way in which you are genuinely enjoying yourself and having fun. People can tell if you feel that your interaction with them is a chore or something that you feel like you are forced to do. As someone once said “I never get rejected, I only discover if a woman has good taste.” You can’t be rejected if you are not seeking acceptance or validation from the other person.

5) Some will some won’t, so what: An old saying I have heard repeated again and again at my sales jobs and in life in general. This involves not giving too much meaning to any one event. If you expect that most of the time you won’t get your optimal outcome, but know that some of the time you will it will take a lot of pressure off of you.

6) Think about how you can give value to others by being engaging, interesting and interested in them. When you are building this skill it may be useful to have games, gambits and stories prepared that you can use to start a conversation. Later you can become more and more spontaneous as you get more and more comfortable talking to people.

7) You manifest what you think about: learn to visualize and expect a positive outcome, it may not lead to a date or sex, but maybe you will have fun enjoying a conversation. Few women will be horribly rude if you approach. In fact more often than not, the main thing that will happen is nothing. Even if someone is terribly rude you will find that it is funny because it is an unreasonable response to what you are doing. Know that even the worse case scenario is not going to kill you and life will go on.

How to turn a one-night stand into something more

One question I have been asked many times before was I could manage to meet and have sex with a woman the first night I met her and then transition it into something more. I have had many men and women tell me that they could never do that or that they view pursuing a relationship and a one-night stand as two separate things. At the same time I have also been told that some of the best relationships have turned sexual pretty soon after meeting someone.

It has been my experience though that women are open to the possibility of seeing you again if the sex is really good and they feel good about the experience emotionally. However you can’t have any expectation that this will lead to a relationship, women will either be turned off by that if they are not actively looking for a relationship. They have to feel that they are developing a connection with you without feeling that you are needy or trying to take any nergy from them emotionally.

Here are some points that have contributed to my successes over the years:

1) Meet your woman and rapidly escalate your initial attraction into powerful sexual desire with your physical moves and a boldly sexual attitude. This could be on the dance floor or off to the side of the place.

2) Set the frame where she is sexually aggressive, highly sexual and comfortable with their sexuality. Be cocky and challenging about how she is trying to seduce you and make it ok for her to be aggressive too. You can even bring this into the conversation by saying things like you love women that own their sexuality.

3) Convey an attitude and present a frame where you are accepting and non-judgmental, that you are a person that does not devalue women based on how long they hold out for sex. This can include bringing up the topic of how you think society’s double standard for men and women when it comes to sex is unfair. I have also done things before where I have shared my experience that if the sex is good, and you enjoy someone’s company why not see them again.

I also sometimes describe how I enjoy having friends with benefits, that are truly friends, and that I think sometimes a woman is at a point in her life where she doesn’t want to devote the time or emotional energy to a relationship but at the same time a woman has needs. Isn’t it great when you can meet someone that you can be comfortable with while at the same time enjoying mind-blowing sex.

4) Have awesome mind-blowing sex! Know that really good sex can open up the possibility for an emotional connection to develop, especially if she doesn’t feel pressured that you are needy. At the least realize that if the sex is really good and she can talk to you that she will want to do it again.

5) Convey that you are a busy person that is pursuing many interests in your life and that you are not looking for a committed relationship right now. This will make the woman you are with that is also not looking for a relationship feel relieved; she can feel comfortable enjoying her time with you without worrying if you are going to get needy.

6) In between rounds of sex get to know each other and continue to build rapport as friends. Say things like: this is great that we be friends like this. Be open and share of yourself in such a way that she feels comfortable opening up to you too. Basically start to do some of the same things you would do as if you were getting to know her in a more traditional dating context, but in a non-needy way where a relationship has already been taken off the table.

7) At the same time that you are laying some possible groundwork for a relationship you also don’t want to come on too strong, leave her room to pursue you and feel that she is actively reaching for what she wants. At this point I have had some women say we should do this again sometime, or sometime soon. However not all women are this comfortable and confident. Look for things that women say like I normally have more guy friends than woman friends or I’m not looking for a relationship.

8) From this point onward notice and compliment her on things that you notice that reinforce her self-image as an independent woman who goes for what she wants. Make her feel good about being a sexual woman while being a friend, but don’t get overly emotional, let her have space to keep her feelings to herself. You aren’t looking to tie her down (outside the bedroom) or constrict her life or her options nor do you expect her to share anything about her life that she does not want to.

So that is my perspective on how to turn sex on the first night into the possibility of friends with benefits that can later turn into a relationship. I truly believe that taking an unconventional angle into a relationship enables the possibility of an interaction that defies the traditional framework and is based on an arrangement that best serves where the man and woman are at their stage in life.

Why are women attracted to jerks?

One question I have been asked repeatedly is why are women attracted to jerks? One view that has been widely presented in the media and in many books about “relationships” is that women want to exchange sex for a concept known as “emotional commitment.” This frame might appear to offer women control over a relationship in a way that would make them happy. However it has been my experience that most women are not happy in a relationship that they can completely control and will lose interest and leave. Because most women want and respond to a man who is strong and independent and challenging.

Unfortunately many men buy into the notion that being strong and challenging and doing what they want to do is somehow bad for women or being a jerk. The answer of course is that most women do not want to be with someone who is actually abusive, disrespectful and insulting. Most women will not put up with a relationship that is actually abusive.

What women are attracted to are the positive qualities of a man:

  • He doesn't need to seek approval from others
  • He will stand up for himself, show anger, and call people on disrespectful behavior without worrying about the disapproval of others
  • He doesn’t put women on a pedestal or kiss ass to try to win her over
  • He pursues what he wants because he wants it

No matter how much a person will complain about a relationship, know that each person is always doing exactly what they want to do, whether they will admit it or not. Often when she is complaining to others it is really a frustration that she can’t completely control the relationship. In that case the root cause of her complaint is also the very thing that is contributing to her attraction to him. If she chooses to stay in the relationship she is in she is basically saying that the positive qualities or benefits outweigh the negatives.

In the case of a woman who is willing to accept a guy who is actually abusive or horribly disrespectful, it is a reflection of her own self-image. Perhaps you have know a person who constantly complains about what a jerk the guy she is with is like, but she continues to stay no matter what her friends and family say to her. However until her own expectations for what she deserves improves she will most likely just replace one jerk for another.

So the takeaways for the “nice” guy that feels he has been missing out are:
1) Not to take what she says at face value and instead look for what she is actually responding to. Realize that some of the same things she is complaining about are things that she is also attracted to.
2) Realize that the kind of person she chooses to be with is at least in part a reflection of her overall self-image.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

Article: What does it take to be "cool"

Like many other kids in middle school and high school, as a teenager I tried to figure out how to be “cool.” It seems some guys just had it, they were popular and always had a swarm of people around them and the girls were always flirting with them and vying for their attention while they seemed relatively indifferent.

I tried asking some guys and the ones who tried to be helpful just didn’t seem to able to explain exactly what they did or how they did it. They would say things like be yourself, be laid-back and relaxed, don’t try too hard. While these were helpful tips, they were parts of an overarching concept that seemed ellusive.

Fast forward to the adult world and I came to the realization that there are several characteristics and personality traits that together form the concept of “cool” and the perception of having higher social value. The truth is that many of the same elements apply to adults just as they did for adolescents. Here is a brief outline.

What does being “cool” mean?

1. Independent, Not “needy” - Another part of being “cool” is that you are self-validating. That is you do not need approval from other people (needy) and that your attitude is such that you don’t care too much about what other people think. This attitude also demonstrates a degree of strength that is attractive to others, especially women, but to people in general. As other people see you as being relatively unaffected they will recognize that and display that recognition in how they act toward you which will further strengthen how they respond to you.

2. Comfortable with yourself - Cool is also the ability to demonstrate that you are comfortable in your own skin and comfortable with your own personality. This can be demonstrated non-verbally through your body movement and your body language.

3. The ability to stand out as an interesting person of value than most if not all of the other people in your environment by being a good story teller and a fun person. The key is to do this in such a way where you “show not tell.” Bragging might work some of the time when people are adolescents, but over time is it not as effective as people get older and become more mature adults. The key is to demonstrate key personality traits through your actions, your body language and indirectly through your stories and behaviors.

Over time others will seek to emulate you both consciously and unconsciously, and copy your mannerisms, favorite words and behaviors so that they can be cool too. As others copy you and follow your lead you will demonstrate their acceptance of you as a social authority and that you are a leader of others.

4. Knowledge of unique and interesting things. This is another aspect of being cool, however it has to be done in such a way that you are not needy, you are comfortable with yourself and aware of how your actions are being perceived by others.

5. Social awareness - The ability to understand how others perceive you and respond to you is another key component of being cool. While you do not want to be needy and do things simply to please other people, you also need to be aware of how your actions are affecting someone else and change them as necessary to maintain comfort. If you notice that another person or the group of people that you are talking to notice are not feeling comfortable or are disagreeing with you. You can change course by recognizing that and either bring it up directly, or change the direction of the conversation, maybe even by quickly changing topics.

Changing topics due to social awareness of others body language and cues is different than being needy although the difference can seem subtle. The main difference boils down to why you are changing course, are you doing it to seek their approval or to keep things fun and comfortable.

So there you have what it takes to be “cool.” I wish someone could have explained it more like that when I was a kid. While it is easier said than done, as you become aware of or are reminded of the attributes of a person with higher social value you might find yourself making changes where necessary.

Article: Night Game - bounce to the next venue or tough it out at your present bar or club?

One thing I have run into when winging with other guys is some guys get impatient with a venue, sometimes giving up on it too soon. Now this is always going to be a problem anytime you are working with a wing. You have different styles, maybe different ages, different approaches. Some guys like dance game, others prefer to be able to talk more and dig into some deeper topics.

While it can be a good idea to leave a venue that is really not working for you, I would argue that most of the time you are better off toughing it out in your current venue for several reasons.

But first, a story to illustrate my point. About a month ago I was out alone, all of my primary wingmen were out of town or otherwise busy. I didn’t even feel like going out except I needed to retrieve my credit card from the previous night. To jazz things up I decided to wear this crazy pink and black stripped cowboy hat that I had. At first I felt kind of weird, crazy cowboy hat and I didn’t feel up to talking to anyone. Over the course of the night women opened me and I talked to several different groups of women. My state began to change and the bar became more crowded. Then I talked to a two set from Columbia for a little while right in front of the ladies room. One of the two women kept pawing at my chest and even kissed me once or twice. However after a quick test close I realized that it wasn’t going to get her home that night because they were au pairs who had to get back to their host families. So I excused myself and went back out on the hunt. This time I found a woman and things started to happen rapidly after several moves that were rapidly stacked one on top of the other we were heading back to my place less than 30 minutes after meeting (see the LR from January at Lucky Bar posted on this blog).

The point of the story, I stayed in the same venue and it helped me. Why should you stay in the same venue.

1) It builds character. Some external situations are just out of your control, like there being no women in the bar at all. But sometimes it is just another form of approach anxiety at work, or an excuse without any valid reasons to back it up.

2) You have to start over for building social proof. Assuming that you are talking to women in the bar, you are building your own status as you go. Even if things do not work out exactly as you would like them to, women do not always know that from a distance. They do know that you have been talking to different women, and are not afraid to talk to women.

3) You have to start over in terms of building your own comfort or vibe in the venue. I think this is often overlooked when it comes to “inner game” and being comfortable approaching women. Sometimes you just get a feel for the social dynamic in a venue or a feel for the venue itself. I don’t know if this is important to everyone, but sometimes it just takes time to get comfortable with a situation but once you are comfortable then you are in good shape.

LR: 05-09-2008 - A Virgin at a Kickball party?!

I went down to the kickball mid-season party for my players in the league and select guests. Upon entering I said hi to one of the redheads that I have been seeing once a week as an FWB for the past month (Platinum member of my friends plus plan). Per our mutually agreed upon non-exclusive arrangement, neither one of us has told anyone in the kickball league and agreed there would be no PDA and we would not go home with each other since we already had an arranged date for Sunday night.

Later I wandered around the room and said hi to hb redhead from last week’s police chase adventure. Per our agreement no entirely gratuitous displays of affection. I hung out with one of my pivots who asked where my wingmen were the previous week. Her good friend, tall thin flirty brunette danced with me and gave me a kiss or two, and double checked to make sure I would be her “cabana boy” for her party the next weekend. Apparently my job as “cabanna boy” would be to massage sun screen on them and man the grill for tips. I actually ended up getting over $100 in cash plus some non-cash tips too J but that’s a different story…

Later I wandered around and greeted a cute redhead with an enthusiastic hello, hug and a kiss as if I had always known her. She had pale blue eyes, was about 5’6, average body type 38C, fun playful vibe in a Mardi Gras mask. It later turned out I had spoken to her a couple times before, she often wore thigh-high stripped stockings with her team’s colors on them. Sometime we started making out and I held her firmly against me, I saw flashbulbs go off so perhaps I’ll make it into the gossip column for our newsletter (so much for being discrete).

This time I used very little pre-scripted game, I guess you could call it my version of natural kickball social game, where I have a very playful and flirtatious but not overtly sexual, challenging or goal oriented intent. Basically I have no agenda, just being present in the moment. However I have learned that with that intent, if I pay attention to the cues of the women in the room I can almost always attract some women willing to jump for a good opportunity.

As the kissing subsided for a moment we talked and I learned that she had graduated from a college I attended my first two years before transferring to a college here in Washington, DC. We exchanged some stories and I told her about some of the crazy parties we had including the ones where people showed up naked. It turns out that she had some friends at the Womyn’s Center (yes women with a y) the on-campus feminist colony where most of the women were openly lesbian, had tried to recruit her. She assured me that she liked guys, so I asked her how did she know when she was sexually attracted to a guy, what was the first feeling she got on the inside? She told me she didn’t know because she’d never been with a guy before. At some point around this time she pulled back her mask and I could see her face.

I was surprised, she was 25 almost 26 years old, had gone to a left-wing liberal arts college yet was still a virgin? She nodded and I asked her why, did she have strong religious beliefs against it, did she believe that she should wait until marriage? What was her reason? She kind of shrugged and said well I guess I’ve never been comfortable enough with a guy before and that some guys would get weird after she told them she was a virgin. I told her it was ok that she was a virgin and that I had experience being the first time for many virgins before, that I was gentle and wouldn’t do anything that she wasn’t comfortable doing. I added that in my experience I had found that each one of them could find their own reasons to do what they really wanted to do, for reasons that were no one else’s business but her own, its like you just need to trust this feeling (solar plexis point). Then I said so if you were to feel attracted to this guy (self-point) touched her and also feel comfortable with him, self point to my solar plexis, would you want to have sex. She nodded, said yes, very innocent look on her face. Then I said why don’t we go someplace more quiet more private, doesn’t that sound good? She nodded again.

With that she briefly talked to her friend, they said their good byes. I took her hand in mine and then I drove her home to my place… . Irony on Sunday night I learned that my FWB on Sunday night accompanied the girl’s roommate home, she was unwittingly also my pivot.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Article: 7 ways that guys can screw things up with women

There are many reasons why men might not get the outcomes they want with women, here are 7 that encompass most of the problems.

1. Belief that what they're doing is wrong/ not desired.These beliefs can stem from they learned as kids and/ or in popculture which is that women do not like sex, and that sex outside of a committed relationship is somehow harmful to a woman and/ or notdesired. Therefore the guy is doing something wrong when he is justgoing for his desires.

2. Getting bogged down by what other people think. One again this links back to societal beliefs, its wrong for a guy tojust go for what he wants. A corralary to this would be that guys should care if things do not work the way they would want them to witha woman (i.e. rejection). In reality most people have their own baggage and fears that limit their ability to be successful and happy. Why would you listen to people like that?

3. Not having your own strong frame or reality. This goes with the point above about not overly caring what otherpeople think when you go for what you desire. It also comes down to how you think about yourself and if you believe you are good enough for what you desire. You need to know that you are the prize.

4. Attaching excess meaning to being accepted or "rejected." A better way to think about it is there is no rejection, you are just testing for responses. For example if you were squeezing tomatos to see if they are ripe when you are at the grocery store. Squeeze and see if it responds favorably to the touch. If not, put it back and try another one. Can a tomato reject you?

5. Not testing for feedback as you go. Why not get immediate feedback on whether a woman is attracted to you before you invest a lot of time in trying to create an outcome that might not really be possible? Women often know within 5 minutes and oftentimes much less how attracted they are to a guy. If you aren't at least a solid "maybe" early on then you are probably wasting your time. However if they are interested and you can determine that by reading her cues and how she responds to you then you can often escalate much more quickly than you previously thought was possible.

6. Be confident in your sexuality. Know that once it gets physical things are almost over. This relates to being aggressive andconfident that a woman that is attracted to you will powerfullyrespond. Once sufficiently turned on the woman takes care of mostcontigencies.

7. Lack of focus on the end game. Let's be real: for most men you want sex and there is no need to apologize for your desires because most women are also looking for sex too. Many men do have some inner conflicts about sexuality that stem from family upbringing, religion and/or your own beliefs about women. You may also want a relationship, maybe even one that could lead toward marriage, but a major factor of any relationship is the sexual interaction.

Stay focused on that goal first, before you let yourself become invested in the woman, because if this key element isn't going anywhere your ultimate relationship is doomed. Realize that not every woman is going to be in it with you at that moment, but that some of the women in any environment will be always be interested, you just have to find them.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

FR 04-26-2008 & Day 2: Super Sex Crazed Blonde

Saturday night 042608 FR

Getting Ready and warmed up

During the afternoon on Saturday while working out I listened to some recordings that I have to help get me in the right frame of mind. Basically I just reviewed some of the power attitudes and some visualizations of my ideal outcomes. Tonight I was going to be bold and aggressive without a care in the world except to project my energy and keep up my attitude.

I went out with "Ignite!" and "Dare" to Adams Morgan starting at Tryst. Ignite and I started out the evening role playing shit tests, which was a fun way to get the energy going, then played around with some language patterns to warm up. We moved toward Gran Central and I opened a couple sets there, Ignite and Dare and I experimented with a new opener that used the energy building routine that we had learned about during a previous lair meeting (yes, yes, yes). I
pulled in a girl to try it with us, this one might be used in the future.

We rolled on to Brass Monkey and I plowed into a set right near the second floor entrance. The women immediately asked us what our line was going to be and if the other two were going to talk to her friends while I spoke to her. That's when we learned that a PUA boot camp had picked Brass Monkey to sarge. As I looked around the room the dress peacocking was unmistakable, print t shirts with a blazer and jeans hmmm, a black shirt with a white tie … After playfully sparing with them for a little bit and having fun hearing the lines the women had heard for the night we bailed for upstairs.

I remarked how funny it was to see this day, nine years ago I never imagined the day would come when PUAs would be so pervasively mainstream.
Eventually we wandered back downstairs and I did what I often feel comfortable doing, wander alone somewhat randomly and see what my intuition picks up, where do I feel mysteriously drawn?

Solid Hook on a set: more calibrating my skills to get things sharp
I wandered over toward the wall beyond the bar on the ground level 1st floor on the side where you enter with the Brass Monkey side and starting talking to a cute brunette who was with two friends, one of which had a tierra on. The brunette went low on a song and so I dared her to see who could get lower. I noticed she was wearing some sneakers and pants, not really dressed for going out. She said she liked to be comfortable and really dance but that you couldn't get in most places because of that. I mirrored it back to her, isn't it great when you can just be yourself and be comfortable.

I transitioned into some patterns and questions designed to test for responses and what information I could gather. I noticed what appeared to be one of the PUA newbies running around nearby talking to one of her friends. I said did you know there is a pickup artist class here?
After a somewhat incredulous response and some initial concern that the guys were shallow and self absorbed and just looking for a one night stand I gestured away from myself to direct the feelings toward the other guy. On the one hand there are those guys that are shallow self-absorbed and not really focused on getting to know the woman inside. But I do feel there are some guys out there that do want to genuinely learn about the woman they are talking to … Then I segued into Instantaneous Connection pattern and this got her talking a little. I mirrored some of her words back to her.

Then she asked about me her job and what she found most fulfilling about that. I also did a little energy test on her for my own calibration, kind of low-neutral. I stacked into my friends with benefits pattern, I'm not necessarily a one-night stand kind of guy but I've been blessed to have some great friends who can keep a guy happy. She said the non-profit she worked for was against friend with benefits. She works for a non-profit to prevent unplanned teen pregnancies, so I said thanks to modern technology I haven't become a baby daddy just yet, then crossed my fingers. She laughed, and seemed intrigued but expressed skepticism that women would be into friends with benefits and that she believed all women were looking for exclusive relationships.

I reframed it that not all women were looking for that, that for a woman to be an FWB for me she had to be mature and intelligent as well as highly sexual (I stepped on the last word for effect). I said most women are closer to my age, some older, a few younger but not under 25. She seemed intrigued and asked how many I had, I first said 4 and then wait I undercounted, there are more than that depending on how you define it but they come … in and out of the picture periodically.
She said, so life is good isn't it. I smiled. She so you're in between boyfriends friend. I said that's part of it, but I'm a full service FWB. I'm also the friend when you're looking for a boyfriend but don't want to deprive yourself of sex or the friend when the boyfriend isn't giving you what you need in the way that you truly need it, and even the one where you are looking for marriage but have been burned a few times and are feeling a little down. She said so you’re a slut. I smiled, yeah I suppose but I’ve having good time of it.
Too bad women can't be the same way, people would just call them a slut. I said not in my book, they would be a "studette." The difference is in whether you own your sexuality and enjoy sex for its own sake instead of using it for some external validation to fill a void in your life.

Some AMOG fun
Then we noticed one of her friends dancing with this guy in a Mountain Dew shirt and he was really good, looked like a PUA in training. Then she said to me, he's been working on her for awhile but she's got a boyfriend and is trying to be polite but not lead him on. She also said that I should talk to her other friend, the cute blonde with the birthday crown.

She talked to her other friend and I did a friendly AMOG routine on the guy by asking him if he was there for the workshop and complimented him on his game. At first I thought he was playing dumb but it turns out he was just visiting from Ohio. The distraction of his attention was just enough time for the other friends pulled their friend out and she disappeared and brunette talks to princess blonde. Then I turned to the blonde friend that the brunette friend said I should meet.

The Fun Starts and goes right to dirty talk
She was pretty hot, about 5'8 blonde hair blue eyes, slender little waist, just enough eye shadow. The first thing she said was, "Are you a slut?" in a playful, challenging way, with a strong sexual energy about her. I was slightly off balance for a moment as I felt a very strong sexual energy coming from her, and tried to respond to the shit test. It didn’t seem overly hostile, but it was a test of sorts.

I responded by saying I consider myself to be a highly sexual person that craves variety and that I keep a couple women around to replace the others when they get worn out. She laughed, paused, smiled, bit her lip a little as her eyes lit up, the wheels were turning. I said besides a slut is just someone who acts on what they want because that is what they want to do and not what society or their friends tell them they should want. She asked what I do and I said many things but including writing erotic stories. Then I turned it around, how about you? She said she also likes sex a lot, I like it rough, I like it for a guy to pull my hair and bite me and I like anal. (Whoaaa, wait a second she brought that up first. Where is this coming from?)

Really, so you like anal, and you come from it really hard don’t you, g-spot or deep spot, while nodding my head, she sort of nodded. You know I’ve discovered some women that come from anal even more powerfully than vaginal, maybe about 10% of the population, like this girl I knew and then I went into a funny story with some pretty graphic descriptions that incorporated the kinds of things she had just described. My roommates got so pissed off, I promised them that the next time I fucked her hard that I would bury her head in a pillow or use a gag. That really made him squirm. Damn I guess that was kind of mean, but I couldn’t resist its fun to test people and see what happens when they freak out. She laughed and we bonded and vibed for a bit.

She asked more and I started telling her about a lot of things, stories of swingers clubs,
sex education work shops with toy demonstrations, BDSM and courses on tantra and ritual sex magic. I told her how I got an autographed butt plug from Tristan Taurmino, author of the Ultimate Guide to Anal Sex for Women for buying her porn anthology. This got her talking and asking questions.. I went into some graphic descriptions with some pattern-like language using weasel phrases and embedded commands, incorporating her own personal trance words, pacing and leading all the way. She lit up turning red and pupils dilating as I took a deep breath and then went on to describe the energy of the interaction. The breath set it so I was leading her breathing, she starts to mirror me back as I shifted my state in a more sexual direction and light trance by visualizing what I was describing. I fractionated slightly by getting her to focus on the feeling of attraction, so I mirrored her anchors back and asked her for the color of the state and then said notice that as the color gets stronger, more vivid that those feelings get stronger too, pulsing through your body, now with each breath … All of my energy was focused outward, no internal visualizations, no lust, just focus.

My hands squeezed her waist a little stronger now. She appeared to become very excited, pupils almost fully dilated, body shaking. She leaned in then backed up, then leaned in again, seemingly very energized and agitated. Where have you been? I said right here. At this point I wanted to calm things down a little bit because she seemed to be kind of overwhelmed. I said isn't it great when you can really connect with someone at this level. She said yeah, it seems so lonely sometimes, no one understands what its like. I nodded. She started talking about her last boyfriend and how it started to kill her libido. I listened for a little while but then interrupted it quickly so I could turn it and reframe.

I know its so tough when you're this sexual and most people aren't (point away). She said its hard to find someone you can trust to get to that level. I asked her, how do you know when you can trust someone at that level? She paused, didn't quite know and so I said what's the first signal, the first feeling that you get on the inside that let's you know you have this level of trust. She paused even more, looked up and to the left put her hand over her solar plexus just above her breasts and said I don't know and then she started talking. She gave me some more language for me to reflect back to her. I also mirrored back her anchors and said isn't it great when you can feel this trust and know that you have found someone that you can really bond with. Now isn't that amazing. Her eyes were glazed like Harold and Kumar’s during their quest for a White Castle. She said I've almost never felt that before.

She appeared curious and energized, her eyes darted from right eye to left eye and back again, are you real? And then oh my god I'm going to have to run off and masturbate as she squeezed her legs together, I leaned in and we started to kiss. She said not in front of my friends, they are also co-workers. So I tried a test close, its too bad we can't just enjoy ourselves some place more private. She hesitated and I said why don't we find a comfortable spot out of sight of your friends. She looked over at her friend and then I led her by the hand right past one of the PUA instructors over to one of the couches, the shorter one with the dark hair. As we were making out she climbed on top of me and said I'd love nothing more than to straddle you right now and ride your cock. She asked me to bite her and I also pulled her hair hard, shifting the tierra around on her head. I suggested we should probably find a more private location if she wanted to ride my cock. She paused and said, mmm, I can't though. I'm completely turned on by you more than I have ever been and I want you to fuck me hard just like you describe in your erotic story. I can't believe this, its just unreal. I need to know for myself if this is even possible. I need to know that this is real outside of drinking outside of this. I said well we could go someplace more private. I saw resistance on her face, no pressure let's just relax and enjoy each other's company.

She started to calm down a little and then I said you know its weird but I just did this ritual a few days ago that is supposed to attract your ideal lover and they were saying that for you to truly connect with your ideal lover requires connecting on several different levels at once. I described connecting with cords of light from the head, heart and groin chakras all at once and then past and future paced it. And that when you meet this guy how you can feel totally fascinated
with each breath that you take and each pulsing beat of your heart.

This nearly sent her over the edge again. She said I can't take this anymore and I need to go to the bathroom. Then she started calming down and said she should check in with her friends. The friends were alright and did not seem concerned that their friend had been away from them for a little bit. One friend said to me do not let brunette go home with that guy, ok. I guess I gave her a blank look because we hadn't even spoken before. And then to her she said the same thing, then turned back to me, but you're good. I don't know what possessed her to make me a guardian of a woman's chastity. Blonde said it looks like we are going to need to do a little baby sitting, and then will you watch her I really need to pee, and she sprinted off to make a quick trip to the potty. I talked to brunette and thanked her for introducing me to her friend, she's awesome, and she said one-night stand awesome or possibly more. I said I have a strong feeling possibly more. Blonde came back very quickly and gave me a big hug. I'm saving the rest for later when I can have some peace and privacy. We exchanged contact info and I got her phone and email address and learned where she lives. She said she was going to be taking care of her friend that night. I want to read your stories, they'll be good to masturbate to.
I said and I'm sure as you experience that, there is no way you could just imagine my voice reading it to you deep inside your mind as those feelings come flooding right through you. She started shaking again. “There you go again. Damn it.”

I said I should be going and catch up to my friends unless some chicks picked them up already and we parted company for the evening. I emailed her later and she replied.

This ties back to the FR from the previous Saturday night with the sex-crazed blonde.


Me: Sun, Apr 27, 2008 at 3:41 AM Good to meet you tonight. Here is that story as promised. I'm sure you will find a way to enjoy!
(Commentary: The erotic story is filled with various patterns designed specifically for a woman to masturbate to. She is one of the few to actually tell me that she was going to before she had even read it.)

Her: Sun, Apr 27, 2008 at 11:23 AM exactly how I needed to start my day - I appreciate you passing it along. Pretty hot. Much like last night. I had a great time... better than I could have ever hoped for. I would love to take you out to dinner and get to know you better if you're up for it sometime. As I would hate to mislead you, I warn you that at the moment I have no need to be another notch on your belt. But I really would love to spend more time with you. You mentioned Tuesday? I won't hold you to that, but if you're interested then give me a call sometime. Have you ever been to Capital Lipstick at Bar Nun? I've never been, but something made me think of it this morning. Maybe we could check it out some weekend.hope your evening finished well...(Commentary: Notice how nice she is being, while also trying to subtly control the frame, she had also said that she was not going to sleep with me the first night too. I’m interpreting that as her way of putting on the brakes while also allowing tension to build over time. It is also consistent with what she said about liking a lot of sex, but generally with one person at a time.)

Me: Sun, Apr 27, 2008 at 1:43 PM Same to you, last night was hot, and isn't it interesting how sometimes you can just meet someone and feel that connection where you share something that touches you deep inside and you can just be yourself and not have to worry about anything except the timeless energy that connects the two of us.I do have a pretty full plate right now in terms of professional and social obligations, especially with the seminar I'm teaching coming up in the next week and a half, but dinner on Tuesday would be good. I suppose there are probably more options in your neck of the woods, which neighborhood are you in?... And there are plenty more stories where that came from, and I've been known to write some on special request too ...(Commentary: I wanted to reflect back her tone and then use some vague and confusing pattern language that defies any attempt at proper English. Then I placed a value on my time and established scarcity.)

Her: Mon, Apr 28, 2008 at 5:51 PM I work and live in the Dupont area, so just about anything you desire is an option if it's not a huge pain in the ass to come here. I can definitely drive out there, though I don't know the 7-corners area very well. I do, amazingly, know how to read maps (that's right - not just pretty - I'm smart too - haha). Anyway - I'm off tomorrow by about 6:30. I eat just about anything and know plenty of good places around here depending on what you're in the mood for. Japanese, Thai, pizza, french... whatever your preference. I'm still kinda blown away to have met someone that actually understands kink - I've only met one guy and one girl that I clicked with on that level, and they are both significantly older than you. God it could be fun to explore some things with you. Maybe I should dig out some of the things I've written and pass them along. I definitely giggled this morning as I covered up the marks you left on my neck... very nice. If you're really busy and want to blow me off, I won't be offended. I do realize that my promise of no-sex makes me less than the most tempting way to spend your time. However, I really would love to get together. You have my cell? xxx-xxx-xxx(Commentary: She is being pretty nice and polite and appears to recognize my value. Its almost like she is supplicating to me. Interesting contrast she is very forward about talking about sex, yet she wants to preserve some semblance of the dating frame, its her own push/ pull.) I called, without knowing that she had already sent me that last email and then I didn't hear back from her.

Me: Tue, Apr 29, 2008 at 9:00 AM Sounds good, I actually do include the ability to read a map as one of the things I look for in a woman. Let's meet at DuPont Circle park and be spontaneous that will give me time to read my new book on secret commodities trading strategies.

Her: Tue, Apr 29, 2008 at 9:54 AM Sorry I didn't call you back last night - was out to dinner with family and by the time I got home I was so freakin exhausted I just collapsed. I'm looking forward to tonight though. What time-ish?(I actually forgot to email her back, but didn’t realize that until the next day and assumed she was going to meet me at 6:30.)

Day 2 meeting for dinner in DuPont Circle

I was starting to get hungry and had not heard from her. I had a strong feeling that this was a big shit test or even a flake. So I sent her a text message and started walking toward the metro.
6:43 PM Me: Grumble, grumble I’m hungry and I don’t see you, so I’m heading home to VA.
6:44 PM Her: On my way Fucker, Don’t move be there in five.

What the hell is she trying to be funny? I didn’t respond and continued walking toward the metro and if I didn't hear from her in 5-10 minutes I would head home. I wanted her to call or text when she was looking for me in DuPont Circle, so then she would wait, at least briefly, for me so that I did not appear too available and the frame would be out of balance. Five minutes later she called and I told her she had just barely caught me before I was going to go down into the metro.She apologized for running late, her story was that she was moving a table that she got from some girl, she assured me she would be there soon and we agreed to meet at a restaurant about a block from the Circle. Since she didn’t have the courtesy to call I took this to be either a flake or a major shit test. The least she could do would be to pay for dinner. After we met she apologized profusely while we waited a moment for a table to become available.

Several things happened as we started talking. She spoke about how her ex had the same name as me and started talking about him and the relationship problems that had led her to break up with him. Relationship problems included a guy who was almost completely disinterested in sex and a boring homebody. She shared how her mother was a lesbian and moved to Norway with her lover before she was born and how her 5 brothers and sisters were from a couple different fathers. However she was very smart and had gotten accepted to Yale but went to Smith instead where she had been a LUG (Lesbian Until Graduation). She also shared how she had been engaged 5 different times, but that she had done so because it was a means of self-preservation as a way of dealing with what she thought were ultimatums from live-in boyfriends. She said that guys kept proposing to her because she was the whole package “I’m pretty and fantastic in bed.” Even though she was a “serial monogamist” she frequently cheated on her boyfriends and “took care of things herself.”I felt like I was playing therapist as I dispassionately listened to her.

As you can imagine what she was telling had raised several red flags, including family instability during childhood, having an absent parental figure and apparent dishonestly in relationships. My analysis, she is emotionally unavailable, likes to keep her emotional distance from others and while outwardly strong, independent, and tough she likes security and stability that she never got from childhood. While she said sexuality is important and was a reason for ultimately leaving relationships it is a lower priority than basic physical survival and the emotional security of knowing that she has someone to come home to. I also started to think that part of the reason why she was so forthcoming was that there are few people she can really trust and for this reason she values people that she can unburden herself to.

I challenged her back, it sounds like you want to have your cake and eat it too without being honest about it. You want a guy to make himself emotionally vulnerable, give of himself and trust you when you are not willing to do the same thing in return. That doesn't sound very alpha female to me. I also told her how I test and qualify and disqualify so I can rapidly determine whether or not a woman is worth my time, even if it means driving someone away. You know beauty is common and there are so many women out there to chose from, so I have to be systematic about this. She told me that's what she does by being really forward herself. She said, "Usually when I tell a guy that I love anal sex and hair pulling it scares them off and they walk away weirded-out, but you thought it was cool and escalated it right back at me. I explained my approach to relationships, I don't start out seeing someone exclusively; I believe it has to be based on the genuine attraction that the two of us feel and not an attempt to conform to the social conventions of the traditional dating frame. Monogamy is earned only when I feel so attracted to someone that I lose interest in pursuing others. That way I know that I am being truly fair both to myself and the other person.

After listening for a little while I shared some things where I agreed and where I disagreed with her, just some fluff talk. Part of the good stuff included asking her about her job at the council to prevent teen age pregnancy and what she found most fulfilling about it. She responded that she enjoyed feeling that she could help people and also thought that our culture was very repressed and it was good to develop a sense of, also she found the study of sex fascinating and loved that her job allowed her to learn and help others learn and discover more about it. She said she was curious about my adventures in the dark side, into kink. I had already told her about the sex convention and the lifestyle and several other things like that. We vibed about how hard it was to find someone who you could really click with in such a way. I said isn’t it great when you can just find that person where you just click, and really connect with this person about something and you can feel so accepted, like you’ve always known them or were just meant to know them. I told her about a rare form of hypnosis known as hyperempiria which you could use to amplify any state that you wanted including orgasm.

So right over dinner I got her to take the feeling of orgasm and start to amplify it, giving it a color and then a shape. Then I got her to move the shape around and begin notice as those feelings began to flow through her body. She started to turn pink and then red as those feelings began to flow through her. Notice how you as become aware of your breathing… with each breath, pay attention to the feeling but focus on your breathing and now … with each breath that you take, the more that energy can begin to flow through you in waves, the feeling of color getting stronger now, the stronger the color the more intense that feeling with each breath that you take. Now can you imagine that to be a tremendous experience, I tapped my finger on the sake container three times for emphasis. Paused for a moment, she said wow, isn’t this intense. Then I took a drink from the glass and said notice now as you think back on those feelings they can come flooding right through you. At this point she was turning red. As you can imagine this combination of fractionation of symbols and synesthesia at the same time was tremendously powerful. She squirmed in her seat and said there you go again, damn.

We talked about a lot of things. I started discussing survival and how I struggled to make ends meet as a telemarketer for a time share resort between my Jr. and Sr. year of college as a matter of stubborn pride just to prove that I could make it on my own. I used this to setup a story where I quoted myself as a vehicle for some patterns similar to the blowjob and discovery channel patterns. One day nothing was working, but I kept trying and trying and even went through every single rebuttal that they had in my script book. You know how sometimes you have one of those days where it gets to the point where you just say fuck it and just let things go and you aggressively pursue what you want without holding anything back. I think its moments like that where you really discover what you are made of and know that no matter what life throws at you, you can survive to rise from the ashes like a PhoenixFor the night shift they had me start on the phone with this single mother. After going through the standard script I started to really lay it on. Then I went into my downhill skiing pattern. Do you like skiing? You know that feeling of anticipation you get as you take that long journey on the ski lift up to the top of the mountain for your first run down a black diamond trails and maybe as you were there talking to someoneand listening to the sound of their voice you looked to the side or behind you, now you can see how high you are, and you notice that you begin to feel a mixture of excitement and nervousness at the same time. And then there comes that moment where you get off and then move right to the edge, that point of no return where you have to decide to turn downhill and go for it. To me the interesting thing about it is, it might be kind of scary at first, but then you get to the point where just trust your feelings, and for a moment ease into it in your mine (phonetic ambiguity with your mind). Then there comes that moment where you're sliding down, the mountain with the feel of wind blowing in your face, the bright white of the snow surrounding you, the roar of the wind as you accelerate down the mountain and you have to turn, and for just a moment you lose a degree of control as part of the process for gaining it back again. You just have to trust (one of her trance words) that by giving up control, surrendering to the power of the experience, you are fully embracing the process of enjoying this adventure and actually become more powerful.

Her: Yeah, wow. Pupils dilating. And then I continued …So then the final part of my script was this. And after that long day on the ski slope you can come back to one of our luxurious cabins and enjoy the warmth of our quality redwood hot tubs. It like you can just stop and begin by stripping away all of your clothes and just slide inside, feeling the warmth as it penetrates all throughout your body and the color of that warmth begins to flow, until you come ... to the conclusion that you want to come to out resort … so which credit card will that be. I then tapped the table with my finger at a spot just in front of me and to my left about where a server would put the check if they were giving it to me (hey, she already at least she owed me dinner after all of this, but I didn't want to leave anything to chance).

Her: damn it there you go again. You and your word choice, its just like your story …

Me: Yeah and notice how as you think about that, those feeling can just come flooding right through you. (I ran the feelings back through the loop once again) After some fluff talk that inevitably led back towards sex again. We ended up talking about attraction and relationships again. I said to her, I've been told that my outlook is different than that of many guys. Its just like this article I read about how men and women feel attraction. They were saying that a lot of guys go out and pick out a woman and then say "I'm going to make you mine," and project all of those characteristics of an ideal lover onto the woman they have chosen based on that first initial attraction (gesture away and to the left). However for women the article was saying that often that first attraction is a more physical sensation, right in here, I sensed disagreement so I went on to give a choice. My friend Mandy (this was actually based on a true story that I captured on an IM conversation three years ago) was saying that for her there were 2 different kinds of attractions, one could start here, chest point, but another one started down here, a more earthy kind of lust where you just know you are going to get totally fucked… Then I went through and amplified the feelings.

Then she asked me if I felt any physical sensations tied to emotions. I said I didn't used to, but more recently as I have become more aware of myself and what I really want, I think that a woman's physical appearance is not enough, in fact some of the women I have enjoyed the most did not appear physically attractive to me at first. But then at a certain point I would get a feeling deep down where I just knew I was going to enjoy the experience with them, I could just tell the sex was going to awesome, it's just like that ritual I told you about with the chakras and the cords of light. Now with me, I have learned when to just trust this feeling of attraction that lets me know I am going to have a great experience. In addition to the sexual chemistry it is very important to be with a woman that is highly intelligent that can challenge me intellectually, and that will treat me and my time with respect. No amount of physical beauty or anything else can compensate for that part, which is one of the things I look for early on if there is to be any meaningful future with this person.

At this point she started to get a little defensive because she thought I was alluding to her tardiness earlier in the evening. I said "hey I'm over it now that I have food and a little drink in me." At the end of the evening, the server came with the check and put it down right in front of me and right on top of the spot I had anchored on the table. Without hesitation she reached across the table, "my treat I invited you out to dinner as my guest." I just smiled. She walked with me back toward the Metro. Before we parted company we made out again and I pulled her tight against me, then pulled her hair, kissed and bit her neck and then I stopped kissing first and hoped onto the escalator. She said you've given me much to masturbate to, I nearly rubbed myself raw from that story before. I said yeah, you don't have to imagine what it will be like when we have fun together, but as you think about it you know we would have way too much fun.