Monday, September 7, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Not staying sexy …
Don’t quit your game, approach and meet women all the time. By continuing to flirt respectfully you keep up your edge and sexiness.
Not keeping the abundance mentality.
By continuing to go out and flirt respectfully it helps keep you from becoming too needy and believing that you have only one option. It also keeps your partner on her toes because she knows that if she slips up then she could lose you. Keeping the abundance mentality is also important because as you evolve and develop as a person your interests could change.
Becoming too comfortable and lazy.
Don’t get complacent or stop doing the things that initially generated attraction in your woman. This includes being unpredictable at times.
Not integrating skills and a lifestyle
Over time your lifestyle is going to be important to the ongoing relationship. It keeps things fresh and interesting. It’s part of your social value to her.
Magnify Inner Game while in a relationship
Use this as an opportunity to continue to build yourself up.
Becoming over idealistic, over awed by the woman you are with.
Another problem that can occur is to fall in love with falling in love. Or lose control of your actions by following your emotions. While someone may be great, allowing yourself to lose too much control will end up leading you down a dangerous path where you lose control of the relationship as well as her respect and your own self-respect. This includes failing her tests of
Continuing to flirt with other women, is very important and I think it helps preempt many frame tests. Her feeling like she has to work for it and compete with you is also very important because it re validates her choice to herself. The trick is finding the balance in a relationship between continuing to apply the principles that you used to pick her up while enjoying the emotional ride because it feels good. You must find a balance between logically knowing what you need to do in spite of good emotions.
The problem is that going for the emotional ride is nice, giving up a degree of control can be nice. The slippery slope is that she may appear to reward your compliance or nice things that you do for her, while she simultaneously still wants to be challenged and feel like she has to work to get you. Too much compliance or "nice" from you results in a test even if she appeared to reward it at the time.
You can’t completely surrender to the emotional ride while maintaining control of the frame at the same time, you need to continue to think logically and act in spite of intense emotions and feelings. At the same time I think really part of being in a relationship is having the confidence that even when you lose some control you know you can get it back again. That is what the roller coaster is, the give and take. Sometimes you’re the one chasing, other times you are the one being chased.
One thing I've realized, basic principles that are necessary for generating attraction need to continue during the relationship to keep her attracted and retain the power and the challenge aspect to her. You also need to pro actively do this even when it appears a woman is totally into you and is not giving you any tests. As soon as she somehow feels she might have the upper hand i.e. you've weakened, she's strengthened or it's the same and she wants to reverify the status quo. Frame control tests keep going all throughout a relationship as a struggle to see who has the upper hand. The best way to deal with them is to never lose the frame in the first place, retain your power by being social and continuing to do things that make you socially valuable independent of her.
One mistake that you can make is to abandon the concept of the frame, of who has more power, dominance etc. It is easy to get swept away by all of the good feelings awed by a woman. However you must still maintain control and not allow yourself to be pussy whipped or come to be dependent on her validation and approval. I started to feel good about doing “nice” things for her because she kept rewarding me by acting appreciative and thanking me. I assumed that this meant there would not be any need for me to continue to be a challenge as much as long as she was constantly qualifying herself to me.
But this can be a trap as even though women want an alpha male, they will try to turn him into a beta male. Once he turns beta and is under their control they start to lose attraction to him. Once you start to fail her tests it is a slippery slope downward. I think this is yet another reason why any longer term relationship always has conflict at least some of the time.
It is in losing yourself to the good feelings and chasing them you become the Nice Guy or rather the "Sappy Guy". Beware doing too many things that are “nice” as it may be perceived as an attempt to buy her affection with your money or efforts. This is why Nice Guys are seen as incredibly weak by women and men. And this is why Nice Guys are still seen as "children" even if they have grown male bodies.
Can we be 'over-awed' on other things and create a type of 'unhealthy Nice Guy addiction'? Certainly! The intense feelings of sex can over-awe people and have people literally worshipping copulation itself (and lose total control of themselves to it). In a phrase: Pussy whipped. Likewise, the intense feelings of alcohol, drugs, and even food also can 'over-awe' people and keep them addicted to this 'awed' state.
The worst culprit is the modern notion of "love" that is seen as something you submit to, something to "over-awe" you. This definition of "love" keeps the Nice Guy in a state of continued cycle no matter how many times he gets burned. Does this mean one cannot be 'awed' by a woman? You fall in and out of awe over the course of any long relationship. But you certainly don't 'submit' to this awe. Nice Guys see themselves as Romantics. Vain women see the Nice Guy as submitting to their WONDERFUL selves (which every woman thinks herself wonderful). The truth is in the middle. Nice Guys are submitting to their misplaced awe (usually placed upon some hard to obtain woman).
Don't let feelings of awe have you lose control of yourself. And certainly, never submit to it.
Monday, August 10, 2009
Important concept from NLP all human emotions are processes . Almost Zen like concept, people are dynamic with ongoing processes and dynamics.
Emotions have a structure, order, flow. This is why things can be one way and then people change. The relationships can be really great but then things change because people are dynamic
How do women create emotions? Internal representations
Visual – what she sees in her mind
Auditory dialogue – what she says to herself
Auditory spoken – what she says out loud
Flow of internal sensations – physical and emotional
Seduction is like a recipe
- right ingredients
- proper sequence
- proper proportions
- What emotional states do I want attractive women to experience with me?
- If the only emotions she experience around you are casual comfort and enjoyment, you wind up being her friend.
- If she only experiences lust, arousal, desire, she may scare herself out of the seduction.
- Need balance
To get different results ask yourself different questions
- Einstein theory of relativity
Chumps vs. Champs
- Chumps dating frame
How can I get her to like me?
- Chumps questions assume
Focus on behavior vs. emotions
That a “date” is the best (or only) method to find a suitable sex partner
That he must be the “supplicant” and seek her favor, try to win her over, outcome is largely a matter of chance “get lucky”
Dating frame was never designed for you to win
Having true choice involves captures and leading her imagination and emotions
Using your words and your communication
Dating can actually get in the way of her sleeping with you.
That is because she has a check list of social and other qualities she is going to check against.
It’s never about where you take her or what you spend
It’s about how you use your language (and what you get her talking about) to capture and lead her imagination and emotions.
Anything that happens outside of someone’s conscious awareness has a very hypnotic effect and it is not resisted. When you trigger these processes to trigger her attraction processes it happens outside of her conscious awareness
This is especially important if you want a longer term relationship, however it can also be key in the short term as well. That is another reason why it is important to know what you want in a woman and then know how to identify it.
If you are looking for a one night stand or short term fling then finding a woman with a healthy sex drive and a fun personality might be all you really need.
If you are looking for a longer-term relationship then there are many personality traits to identify.
David Shade identifies several different characteristics for a woman who would make for a great long-term partner with whom to explore sexuality:
1. High Self-esteem
3. Strong Sex drive? (not in written notes)
According to romance psychologist Nathaniel Branden there are several key factors necessary for romantic love. Among the most important factors is high self-esteem. In 1969 Mr. Branden briefly defined self-esteem as a combination of self-efficacy and self-respect in his words "...the experience of being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and being worthy of happiness".
Romantic love briefly defined for this book is an emotional response to what we value highly. Branden’s definition: the passionate emotional, sexual and spiritual attachment regarding the value of each other’s person OR love is our emotional response to that which we value highly.
To feel visible
Fully experience oneself as a man or a woman
To be able to have romantic love in a long term relationship we are able to fully experience being a man or a woman. It is through this that we can fully experience being a man or a woman. Mr. Branden also identifies several other conditions for romantic love including:
That each partner needs to be able to accept themselves, aloneness, be happy being alone.
The partners need to come from similar social backgrounds
There needs to be mutual visibility, in that you need to be able to show yourself and be transparent in who you are as a person
Self love – is necessary to receive love
“Happiness anxiety” - if you don’t believe you deserve love then you’ll sabotage it
Selfish component in romantic love: you need to be doing it for you, not just the other person for it to truly be romantic love
Admire complementary differences
If someone does not believe they deserve to be happy they will find a way to sabotage it: “happiness anxiety” You cannot make her happy unless she deserves to be happy.
Ways to identify People with high self-esteem
Have respect for reality. Low self-esteem: delusional, superstitious. The other person is not perfect, they don’t over idealize them or an ex who obviously mistreated them.
Are unafraid speak up for themselves and say what they want.
Usually had good relationship with their father, quotes their father
Can take a compliment rather than dismiss it.
High self-esteem person you feel like you have more energy being around vs. low self-esteem person feels like they drain your energy
Beautiful Women (people) do not necessarily have high self-esteem
“Daddy’s girls” often have high self-esteem
These women had a strong relationship with their father
Father was loving, caring, nurturing, disciplined when necessary, provided unconditional love
didn’t spoil her per se, he taught her to be independent, believe in herself, respect for reality, accountable for her own actions
often the youngest or only daughter
Low self esteem –
poorly treated in past relationships.
Lack of independent goals
Are you with the right woman:
Right – feel good about yourself
Increases your energy
Able to work out problems with you
You can talk to her about anything
Easy to get her to talk to you, all night long
Feel like yourself with her
Feel like her hero
Walk with confidence, instead of egg shells
How do you find a woman with a good sense of deservedness? Mark Cunningham:
High self esteem can describe her goals independently
Other ways to identify self-esteem.
In the game “The Cube” (described in full detail in the appendix) there are several parts of the image. The cube represents the player's image of himself or herself. A cube that is small in the perspective of the scene suggests that the player thinks of themselves as insignificant or modest while a larger cube suggests the opposite. A cube on the ground indicates the player is "down to earth," while a floating cube may indicate a dreamer. The material of the cube is also of interest.
Handwriting analysis (grapho analysis)
In handwriting high self esteem appears as a t bar crossed at or close to the top of the stem. A “t” bar crossed at the height of middle zone letters like m, o, e etc. indicates low self esteem. A lower case personal pronoun “i” is also a sign of someone with low self image.
What is reframing? First let’s define what a frame is. Basically it is the context that you use when you look at a situation. Another way of saying this is that you can’t always control what happens to you, but you can control how you choose to perceive it and respond to it. People are “meaning making machines” and the meaning that you choose to make from something that happens is at the root of how you respond to it. However if you were to change the perspective on how you perceive an occurrence then the impact of that event would be different.
For example when you look at a picture you could zoom in on it really close and see things one way or zoom out and see things in a different way. Perhaps you have seen those commercials for air filters that show you what a dust mite looks like when you zoom in 1000%. Pretty scary huh? Or you could zoom out and not even notice that it was there from your normal field of vision.
Reframing then means consciously choosing to change the frame that you view a situation from.
For example suppose you got laid off because of the economic situation, such as what happened to me. You could view it as a gloomy problem that needs to be fixed, worry about it, dwell upon it, but could take months to find another job of the same caliber.
Or you could view in as an opportunity to take a vacation around the world, start your own business or write a book. I read an article in the Wall Street Journal that spoke of several out of work employees from the financial sector that climbed mountains and did all kinds of interesting things with their time non that they had the time.
Perhaps someone broke up with you and “broke your heart.” You could say it just didn’t work out. Or maybe there were various reasons that the two of you weren’t compatible or maybe it was just the circumstances that were involved. If you felt really bad about the situation, perhaps the way your interpreted it was that somehow you weren’t good enough or something you did screwed it up.
However you could also choose to use a different frame of that is what happened and it just didn’t work out. Perhaps the circumstances really had nothing to do with you or what you did. And most importantly a breakup opens up a new space to meet someone wonderful for whatever it is that you are looking for from them.
When you first meet someone they might immediately test your frame, your reality to quickly find out who you really are. Your responses to someone’s behavior will tell them much about you and of course you can do the same to them. However good you are at faking emotions and behaviors at a certain point you may run into problems if your beliefs do not back up the behaviors that you are trying to convey.
For example if you are trying to act confident and self-assured but actually still feel insecure then something in your body language, movements, facial expressions or voice tonality are going to give you away.
The key is to create your confident frame so that your communication, behavior and responses to other people’s communication and behavior matches up. How do we do that? There are many different tools and ways to build it up. But it starts with identifying the beliefs about yourself and about women that are going to be helpful in getting you the kind of success you have always desired with women.
Friday, August 7, 2009
With his knowledge in mind, is it still important what you say? Yes it is.
You don’t want to say things that will screw things up for you by setting off red flags or by making you appear unattractive.
Text messages or emails only involve words so in those cases all you have to use are your words.
1. However in any face to face interaction your body language, body movements, eye contact, positioning, voice volume and tonality are all going to be the majority of your communication and how she perceives and responds to you as a person. Your non-verbal communication is always going to show through.
In phone conversations your words are slightly more important but a huge amount of your communication is going to come down to your voice inflection, tone, tempo and pacing. That is why it is important to develop your vocal range and ability to project emotions.
2. Your non-verbal communication is a reflection of your current state of mind and the underlying attitudes and beliefs that constitute your frame of mind. In order to lead her congruently remember this principle: You must go first
Therefore to communicate congruently you need to be able to go into an emotional state so that your words match what you are actually feeling. This can be a general high energy state of mind or it can be one that matches with a specific story or specifically crafted language pattern.
Communication for seduction and generating attraction is emotional and not logical. Your non-verbal communication has to be able to lead her into progressively more powerful states of mind. Therefore you need to be able to capture and lead her emotions by generating emotions in yourself and then using those to guide your communication to lead her where you want her to go.
3. People do not always know if you are telling the truth or not, however they can identify if your communication is congruent or not. By developing your ability to calibrate to other people’s communication you can better understand where they are at in terms of their emotional state. Also the reason that people test you is if they don’t think that you are congruent, that not all parts of your communication match each other or match what you are saying.
For example your words could be bold and cocky but your voice sounds weak and insecure. This would create a situation where you would be incongruent in your communication. Either they will not believe you at all, or if there is any doubt they will test you.
While practicing “good” body language and posture and working on your voice tonality is helpful, it ultimately has to come from the right emotional state and be a reflection of your attitudes and beliefs. This is where inner game and outer game meet, in the congruence of your emotional communication. This is point where you start to become a “natural” with women so that when your communication is effectively aligned with what you want you know that you can get what you want.
Let’s take a look at one subset of women that I have had a large amount of experience with that are often not looking for a long term committed relationship. In my experience women that are just out of college about 22 – 25 are often not looking for a serious relationship. This is great as long as you are certain that you are also not looking for a serious relationship. However as I learned the hard way attempting to pursue a longer term relationship with a woman of this age can setup you up for disappointment and heart break. Then can be because she perceives a “relationship” as getting in the way of her dreams and goals that are part of her life plan.
After much reflection and by talking to many, many different women ranging in age from 22 to well into their 40s and 50s I have come up with several reasons why women in their early 20s are not looking for a long term relationship. Much of this comes down to how they see their life developing when it comes to balancing career and family. Before they “settle down” to a married life with kids there are other life goals they want to accomplish.
1) The want to focus on their career and/or grad school and make sure it is on track.
2) They want to travel, see new places and have exciting stimulating experiences.
3) They want to take from the energy and emotion that goes into a relationship and focus it on self development. Most have probably had at least one serious relationship in college and maybe one in high school too and are now ready to develop their own identity apart from men. Some women I have talked to describe this as being a burden or feeling tied down.
4) They want to experiment and explore different possibilities with different men. Part of this is realizing that they enjoy sex and that there are many possibilities beyond a traditional monogamous relationship out there for them to explore. This energy to explore is further pent up by an acceptance of sex outside a traditional “committed relationship” as acceptable for them.
Another thing to consider is that a woman in her early 20s is typically feeling that she is at or near the peak of her physical attractiveness and desirability to men. Generally she knows that she will have the most choice with men based on her physical attractiveness at this stage in her life than she ever will, so now is the time to work with it.
This is not to say that there are many women that are very physically attractive that are older than their early 20s. I have met and enjoyed the company of many women that are older. However attractive women at this age are constantly getting a lot of attention from men and can feel confident that even if they meet a great guy that would be great, that there will be others coming along when it fits their life plan to meet a guy and “settle down” into a relationship.
5) They want to do all of these things while they are young and before they prepare to settle down and have a family. Oftentimes women may have been advised this way by friends, their parents and others. Be young, do your thing and then if you want to have kids, do this while you are still young and have energy to keep up with young kids.
If a woman thinks that the relationship is moving in a direction that is too serious or heading in the direction of marriage then she will freak out or get scared off and they will pull away. This is important to consider because at this early 20s stage of a woman’s life women can be just as afraid of commitment as men are stereotyped to be, maybe even more so.
This freakout over whether or not a relationship is in line with her life’s goals is a distinct phenomena from other reasons why a woman might pull away from you such as:
1) She is losing interest in you or the relationship with you.
2) She is interested in other guys and wants to pursue those options.
3) The relationship is good and she is attracted to you, but she is determined to sabotage it because she doesn’t believe she deserves a good relationship with a guy she really likes.
4) She is still getting over being burned in the past and is afraid of getting emotionally hurt again.
Therefore it is possible that even if you have a good, healthy relationship with a woman in her early 20s it can end for reasons that have nothing to do with you or with the quality of the relationship between the two of you. If you keep these ideas in mind and are true to yourself about what you really want out of women and relationships, then you are in a better place to get what you want and also give her what she wants.
What should you expect from a woman in her early 20s?
She might be good for a short term exclusive relationship, casual friends with benefits, one night stands or longer term non-exclusive dating arrangements. However oftentimes she will not be looking for that one guy that they want to be in a committed relationship with and later marry.
With that in mind know that by demonstrating an understanding of women in their early 20s and where they are at in life you can set the stage for alternative arrangements to an exclusive relationship. Know what her dreams and goals are. Before you get past a certain point of being too emotionally invested in her, ask.
At what age is she looking to start a family?
What does she want to accomplish in her life before starting a family?
Does she believe in a traditional family or does she never want to get married and/ or have kids?
Knowing these answers will be key as you choose how you want to pursue your interactions with her and knowing what you can expect from her.
Before you go out looking for women to pickup you must first get in touch with yourself and your expectations when it comes to women, sex and relationships. Where you are at in your life as it relates to women? What it is you want out of your experiences with women? It can be harder than you would think at first. Knowing what you want requires self awareness and a willingness to be truthful with yourself even if it goes against the way you think things “should” be.
In my experience many of my clients have thought they should want a relationship because that is what they believe a “nice” “respectable” guy should do. However they really just want to have sex, but somehow feel guilty or “bad” about their desires. Perhaps you want to have multiple relationships, multiple sex partners but are struggling with your own beliefs about whether it is right or not.
Conversely you might think you just want to pickup women for sex and not want a ongoing relationship where you get emotionally involved, but you actually really want a relationship. That’s where I’ve found myself before, thinking I just wanted sex with many different women when I was actually looking for a relationship. However I did not realize I wanted a relationship until I met a woman I was highly attracted to bring it out, at a time and stage in life where I was looking for it. Next we’ll look at how a woman’s stage in life can affect what she is looking for when it comes to men, sex and relationships.
Monday, March 30, 2009
The relationship is over and you are feeling bad. Build yourself up without putting the other person down.
• List things about you that make you a great catch
• List things about who you were being as a person in the relationship that were great
What lessons could be learned from what you did while in the relationship and what kind of person you were being?
• Did you maintain a healthy balance in your life?
• Did you continue to make progress on your own professional and personal goals and needs or lose them to the “relationship?”
• Are there things you would do differently next time?
• Was the other person meeting your needs in the relationship? Were you meeting there’s?
What reasons are there that it would not have worked out? As you list the reasons do this in an objective way where you are not making what either you or the other person did wrong, even if they did something that was very hurtful to you. Consider that from the other person’s perspective that the root of their actions toward you involved them and not you.
• Were there external circumstances that got in the way?
• Was she or you looking for the same thing at the same time? Be honest.
• Were there differences in personality or childhood upbringing that would have been deal breakers?
• Did you guys see the world in very different ways? Different value and philosophies, ways of thinking?
• Make sure the reasons are not just blaming you or blaming her, but were problem points.
What was good about the relationship and what you did that you can carry with you for the future? Just because it didn’t work out, know that if it lasted for any length of time there were some redeeming qualities that you can build upon for yourself and that you can look for in a future relationship.
• Things you did
• Things she did
• Experiences and activities that you shared
• How you treated each other
How did the breakup go down? In the midst of powerful emotions it is easy for there to be miscommunication. It is also easy to give meaning to things that were said or done which may not really be true.
• What actually happened vs. the meaning that you give them.
• what did she do?
• what did you do?
• what did you and her actually say? What reasons did you give each other?
Some advice on a clean breakup
• Cut communication cold for a long enough period of time to reset how you think about each other.
o This is the only way to avoid getting back together again and prolonging the relationship.
o Do not hold onto the past it will cause one of you or both of you some pain
o Realized that time not spent communicating with your ex is time to work on yourself, reconnect with friends and build positive experiences that allow you to move on
o Long enough could be anywhere from 3 months to a year or more to never talking again. A good guideline might be until after you and her have moved into your next relationship.
o Don’t communicate again until you are ready for it to be in a different way other than as a romantic or sexual relationship.
• If you have gotten back together again consider the reasons why you have broken up before.
o Unless the original reasons have been resolved then you will probably breakup again and it will prolong the pain and prolong the time until you move onto a better relationship.
o Consider why you haven’t moved on, why you are still holding onto the past? Is it fear that you can’t do better. Do you just like the drama and excitement the breaking up and getting back together generates.
o Consider why they haven’t moved on.
There are a few cases where it might be worth trying to get back together again with someone. One case would be if the relationship was fundamentally solid, there were not significant unresolved issues, it was making both of you happy, but external circumstances got in the way. This could include:
o One of you is moving away for a long period of time for a job, for education for the armed forces. And that it would be almost impossible to meet in person on a regular basis.
o One of you is looking for more commitment than the other. This could include one person wants an exclusive relationship and the other person does not, one person wants to get married and the other does not, one person wants kids and the other does not.
• If the reasons that led to the breakup have changed, i.e. you are now living in the same area or you are now ready for the same level of commitment, then go ahead and give it a shot. Realize that first you and the other person must both be complete with the past in such a way that neither one of you hold any anger or resentment toward the other.
So those are my thoughts on breakups and some advice on how you can learn from them and move on to a happy and fulfilling future.