Monday, August 10, 2009

Self esteem and conditions for romantic love

This is especially important if you want a longer term relationship, however it can also be key in the short term as well. That is another reason why it is important to know what you want in a woman and then know how to identify it.

If you are looking for a one night stand or short term fling then finding a woman with a healthy sex drive and a fun personality might be all you really need.

If you are looking for a longer-term relationship then there are many personality traits to identify.

David Shade identifies several different characteristics for a woman who would make for a great long-term partner with whom to explore sexuality:
1. High Self-esteem
2. Intelligence
3. Strong Sex drive? (not in written notes)

According to romance psychologist Nathaniel Branden there are several key factors necessary for romantic love. Among the most important factors is high self-esteem. In 1969 Mr. Branden briefly defined self-esteem as a combination of self-efficacy and self-respect in his words "...the experience of being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and being worthy of happiness".

Romantic love briefly defined for this book is an emotional response to what we value highly. Branden’s definition: the passionate emotional, sexual and spiritual attachment regarding the value of each other’s person OR love is our emotional response to that which we value highly.

To admire
To feel visible
Self discovery
Sexual fulfillment
Fully experience oneself as a man or a woman

To be able to have romantic love in a long term relationship we are able to fully experience being a man or a woman. It is through this that we can fully experience being a man or a woman. Mr. Branden also identifies several other conditions for romantic love including:
That each partner needs to be able to accept themselves, aloneness, be happy being alone.
The partners need to come from similar social backgrounds
There needs to be mutual visibility, in that you need to be able to show yourself and be transparent in who you are as a person
Self love – is necessary to receive love
“Happiness anxiety” - if you don’t believe you deserve love then you’ll sabotage it
Selfish component in romantic love: you need to be doing it for you, not just the other person for it to truly be romantic love
Admire complementary differences

If someone does not believe they deserve to be happy they will find a way to sabotage it: “happiness anxiety” You cannot make her happy unless she deserves to be happy.

Ways to identify People with high self-esteem
Have respect for reality. Low self-esteem: delusional, superstitious. The other person is not perfect, they don’t over idealize them or an ex who obviously mistreated them.
Are unafraid speak up for themselves and say what they want.
Usually had good relationship with their father, quotes their father
Can take a compliment rather than dismiss it.
High self-esteem person you feel like you have more energy being around vs. low self-esteem person feels like they drain your energy

Beautiful Women (people) do not necessarily have high self-esteem
“Daddy’s girls” often have high self-esteem
These women had a strong relationship with their father
Father was loving, caring, nurturing, disciplined when necessary, provided unconditional love
didn’t spoil her per se, he taught her to be independent, believe in herself, respect for reality, accountable for her own actions
often the youngest or only daughter

Low self esteem –
chronically cynical.
poorly treated in past relationships.
Lack of independent goals

Are you with the right woman:

Right – feel good about yourself
Increases your energy
Able to work out problems with you
You can talk to her about anything
Easy to get her to talk to you, all night long
Feel like yourself with her
Feel like her hero
Walk with confidence, instead of egg shells

How do you find a woman with a good sense of deservedness? Mark Cunningham:
High self esteem can describe her goals independently

Other ways to identify self-esteem.

In the game “The Cube” (described in full detail in the appendix) there are several parts of the image. The cube represents the player's image of himself or herself. A cube that is small in the perspective of the scene suggests that the player thinks of themselves as insignificant or modest while a larger cube suggests the opposite. A cube on the ground indicates the player is "down to earth," while a floating cube may indicate a dreamer. The material of the cube is also of interest.

Handwriting analysis (grapho analysis)
In handwriting high self esteem appears as a t bar crossed at or close to the top of the stem. A “t” bar crossed at the height of middle zone letters like m, o, e etc. indicates low self esteem. A lower case personal pronoun “i” is also a sign of someone with low self image.

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