Friday, August 7, 2009

What do women want from men, sex and relationships in their early 20s?

In addition to being in touch with what you want when it comes to women you also need to consider what the woman you are attracted to is looking for. There are many men out there that just assume that a woman is always looking for an exclusive relationship. This is simply not true. It doesn’t mean that these women are not interested in sex though, as long as it can occur for them in a way in which they can feel good about themselves and their decision. Part of the way to do this is to demonstrate an understanding of where they are in their life when it comes to their career, their lives, sex and relationships.

Let’s take a look at one subset of women that I have had a large amount of experience with that are often not looking for a long term committed relationship. In my experience women that are just out of college about 22 – 25 are often not looking for a serious relationship. This is great as long as you are certain that you are also not looking for a serious relationship. However as I learned the hard way attempting to pursue a longer term relationship with a woman of this age can setup you up for disappointment and heart break. Then can be because she perceives a “relationship” as getting in the way of her dreams and goals that are part of her life plan.

After much reflection and by talking to many, many different women ranging in age from 22 to well into their 40s and 50s I have come up with several reasons why women in their early 20s are not looking for a long term relationship. Much of this comes down to how they see their life developing when it comes to balancing career and family. Before they “settle down” to a married life with kids there are other life goals they want to accomplish.

1) The want to focus on their career and/or grad school and make sure it is on track.

2) They want to travel, see new places and have exciting stimulating experiences.

3) They want to take from the energy and emotion that goes into a relationship and focus it on self development. Most have probably had at least one serious relationship in college and maybe one in high school too and are now ready to develop their own identity apart from men. Some women I have talked to describe this as being a burden or feeling tied down.

4) They want to experiment and explore different possibilities with different men. Part of this is realizing that they enjoy sex and that there are many possibilities beyond a traditional monogamous relationship out there for them to explore. This energy to explore is further pent up by an acceptance of sex outside a traditional “committed relationship” as acceptable for them.

Another thing to consider is that a woman in her early 20s is typically feeling that she is at or near the peak of her physical attractiveness and desirability to men. Generally she knows that she will have the most choice with men based on her physical attractiveness at this stage in her life than she ever will, so now is the time to work with it.

This is not to say that there are many women that are very physically attractive that are older than their early 20s. I have met and enjoyed the company of many women that are older. However attractive women at this age are constantly getting a lot of attention from men and can feel confident that even if they meet a great guy that would be great, that there will be others coming along when it fits their life plan to meet a guy and “settle down” into a relationship.

5) They want to do all of these things while they are young and before they prepare to settle down and have a family. Oftentimes women may have been advised this way by friends, their parents and others. Be young, do your thing and then if you want to have kids, do this while you are still young and have energy to keep up with young kids.

If a woman thinks that the relationship is moving in a direction that is too serious or heading in the direction of marriage then she will freak out or get scared off and they will pull away. This is important to consider because at this early 20s stage of a woman’s life women can be just as afraid of commitment as men are stereotyped to be, maybe even more so.

This freakout over whether or not a relationship is in line with her life’s goals is a distinct phenomena from other reasons why a woman might pull away from you such as:

1) She is losing interest in you or the relationship with you.

2) She is interested in other guys and wants to pursue those options.

3) The relationship is good and she is attracted to you, but she is determined to sabotage it because she doesn’t believe she deserves a good relationship with a guy she really likes.

4) She is still getting over being burned in the past and is afraid of getting emotionally hurt again.

Therefore it is possible that even if you have a good, healthy relationship with a woman in her early 20s it can end for reasons that have nothing to do with you or with the quality of the relationship between the two of you. If you keep these ideas in mind and are true to yourself about what you really want out of women and relationships, then you are in a better place to get what you want and also give her what she wants.

What should you expect from a woman in her early 20s?
She might be good for a short term exclusive relationship, casual friends with benefits, one night stands or longer term non-exclusive dating arrangements. However oftentimes she will not be looking for that one guy that they want to be in a committed relationship with and later marry.

With that in mind know that by demonstrating an understanding of women in their early 20s and where they are at in life you can set the stage for alternative arrangements to an exclusive relationship. Know what her dreams and goals are. Before you get past a certain point of being too emotionally invested in her, ask.
At what age is she looking to start a family?
What does she want to accomplish in her life before starting a family?
Does she believe in a traditional family or does she never want to get married and/ or have kids?

Knowing these answers will be key as you choose how you want to pursue your interactions with her and knowing what you can expect from her.

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