Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Be selective - actively screen for the kind of woman you are looking for

One strongly attractive quality in men is their willingness to be selective with women that they meet and to screen for what you are looking for.

1) One reason is that it creates a challenge. Since most attractive women are used to people giving them things and trying to win them over simply because of their looks, the fact that looks alone are not enough challenges her to demonstrate what kind of person she is and what personal qualities make her desirable.

2) It also creates and reinforces the frame where you are the prize. An attractive woman is used to being the prize but is most attracted to someone that they perceive to be as valuable as them or more valuable. Your willingness to be selective implies that you are a valuable person and she is going to be curious to find out what makes you attractive. At the same time due to the “halo effect” she will also have the tendency to project positive qualities onto you simply because she believes that you are a valuable person.

3) As you meet more and more attractive women you will discover that in the long run you are not going to be happy with a woman just because she is attractive. However you can use your behavior to quickly screen for what you are looking for, drawing women out to reveal more about who they are while also pushing away those who are not as attracted to you. Before spending lots of time and effort getting to know her and developing an attraction with her you might want to first discover if she is the type of person you want to get to know.

For example I find it very important that a woman is very sexual and is comfortable with herself and sexuality. Therefore I will be boldly funny and challenging in a sexual way and be sexual in my words and actions and see how she responds. Not all women will respond to that kind of approach, however if she does not respond favorably then you have learned something about her.

I also find it very important that I find a woman that I can have an intelligent conversation with. Within the context of being an attractive desirable person that has established rapport with her you can be intellectually challenging by being knowledgeable and able to have an intelligent conversation.

4) If you are being challenging and she starts trying to prove herself and her desirability to you, you know that she is attempting to qualify herself to you and believes that you are valuable. Once she does that you know that she is on the hook, then you can draw her in further and also recognize and validate how much you like her in a way that is non-needy and builds trust and comfort.

So there you have it, by being selective and actively screening for what you are looking for you are in the drivers seat while being able to find the kind of woman that you want.

Your success with women as an expression of your beliefs

One of the obstacles that can hold men back from their ability to be “successful” with women are their beliefs about women, sexuality, relationships and what is possible.

Here are some believes that are will undermine your ability to be successful with women.

1) A belief that love and romance (and by extension sex) occur “naturally” without any thought or intent about what you want or how you are going to make it happen. This belief is disempowering in that it implies you do not have any control over this important area of your life. However I am willing to bet that since you are reading this blog you DO believe that you can exercise power and choice in this area life.

An important concept I would like to introduce to this topic is that of “locus of control.” Fundamentally this concept asks how much power do you believe you have over what happens in the events in your life. Do you have more of an external locus of control: life happens to you due to factors outside your control or do you have more of an internal locus of control where the people, places and events are something you can control. Obviously you can’t control every thing that happens in life, but there are many things that you can control.

2) That women are not as sexual as men or need to be convinced to have sex without wanting and enjoying it for themselves. This belief presupposes that men are going to need to talk women into sex by begging or buying it from them. It also buys into a notion widely spread in the media that women exchange sex for emotional commitment or a relationship. However the notion that you need to buy women favors to “get” them to have sex with you or that you have to exchange an emotional commitment for sex are simply not true. I would argue that if you do need to do that for a particular woman you are talking to the wrong kinds of woman who is not interested in genuinely contributing to an interaction with you.

Some women some of the time are not looking for any kind of emotional commitment. Maybe they are young and still in a party phase, maybe they recently got out of a relationship, maybe they are very involved in their career. You can’t always tell just from looking at a woman or even how she dresses or acts, but trust me there are a lot of women that at some stage in their lives are not necessarily looking for a “committed” relationship.

Women are also very sexual, if not much more sexual than men. The difference is that women have the ability to compartmentalize sex as a part of their lives in a way that most men don’t. While many women would also like to have a relationship to go with it, they don’t necessarily have to have the relationship before it becomes sexual. In fact some women want to have sex before they get too involved because they want to know that the sexual chemistry is there before allowing themselves to feel more for a man. The powerful feelings created by sex are also a large part of the emotional connection as well.

3) That women are somehow weak or vulnerable so you need to put them on a pedestal or treat them gently so as to not hurt their feelings. This is a problem that many “nice” guys have. While chivalry and respect is appreciated, no woman wants to be treated like she is weak.
Instead of these limiting beliefs here are some believes that are more powerful in being with women.

While the above beliefs will get in the way of your ability to be successful with women, these beliefs will be helpful

1) You can control the circumstances and events necessary to attract a woman to you that you want to be with your ability to communicate and with your awareness and intent. You willingness to improve your own self-image, your awareness of others and your ability to communicate will pay dividends in the kinds of results that you get with women.

2) Women like sex and want it just as much or more than men. Be honest about what you want, if you are just looking for sex without deliberately pursuing a relationship then be honest about it, she might be at the same place in her life. Your willingness to be honest even though it goes against what many men have been socially programmed to believe will build trust and rapport. This even goes for women that say they want a relationship, some women that say they do at first are doing so because that is what they have been programmed to believe or because they do not want to come across as being easy. However if she is attracted to you she might find a way to make an exception.

3) Don’t put a woman on a pedestal. In don’t do or say things, because you are trying to kiss ass to win her over. Also stand up for yourself, call her on her bullshit if she is disrespectful to you. You will find that not only do you feel better about yourself but a woman can actually feel closer to you and trust you more knowing that you are being “real” in your communication with her.

The secret of attracting the “perfect” woman for you

Many times guys have asked me, what is the best secret for drawing women towards you, the kind of women that you would really want for a longer term relationship. Without much buildup or fanfare here are a few key steps that can help steer you in the right direction:

1) You need to know what you want specifically, in terms of looks, interpersonal qualities, values that will be shared in the relationship.

2) Write them down, the process of writing it down brings focus and clarity to your efforts as you specifically describe what you are looking for. For those of you familiar with “The Secret” and the “Law of Attraction” know that there are subconscious and even metaphysical qualities to work with.

3) Prioritize those qualities and write them down. Then be patient with the knowledge that it is not necessarily going to happen overnight. You need to grow and evolve as a person, develop your own self and your social and relationship skills. Be selective with women: set standards and challenges on things other than physical attractiveness.

4) Actively screen for and select based on those personal qualities about her. This has several advantages. One is that when a woman knows that just being hot is not enough, it sets you apart from other men and makes you a challenge which makes you even more attractive to her and really engages her interest. Another advantage is that it helps you find someone you are really going to be attracted to.

Some men are just looking for a woman that is physically attractive and then try to figure it out from there if at all. This is not necessarily a bad thing, but as you get better at attracting attractive women toward you, you will realize that there is no scarcity of attractive women. However if you are past the basic stage of just finding a woman who is “hot” and are looking for a woman that will really blow your mind, the kind that you’ll want to keep around and develop a relationship with that lasts in the long-run, then you need to know what you want.
Of course the problem is knowing what it is that you want, part of this is a process of discovery in which you may know what it is that you don’t want more than what you do want. In several keys areas you will want to find someone that is similar to you and if they are different you want it to be in a way that is complementary not in a way that is conflicting and creates divisive tension or a lack of compatibility.

Do you want a woman that is supportive or your professional interests and hobbies?
Do you want a woman who has her own goals and ambitions?
How important is sexual chemistry to you?
Do you want someone that is very energetic and athletic?
Emotionally mature? This does not necessarily correlate to age.

For example a couple months ago I created a long list of qualities that I wanted my ideal woman to have and I wrote them down to a friend of mine. Now several months later I have finally found what I am looking for. Can I guarantee what will happen in the long-run or if what I am looking for will change someday? Of course not, but for the moment I do feel as if I have found what I am looking for.

Just in case you were curious this is what I personally came up with, not necessarily in order of priority or the order of how I discovered these qualities.

So I guess if I could reduce it down to a formula:

Highly intelligent (good general guideline is gifted level intelligence or above, and I also skew my judgment toward very high verbal intelligence).
Pretty good people judgment/ intelligence, street smart common sense, can advise and help me continue to develop social intelligence
Practical, independent, has goals and ambition, but where I can feel at least somewhat useful as a contributor of advice and encouragement. Even superwoman can use at least a little support.
Emotional maturity
Physical energy, athletic, outgoing, likes to travel
Emotional and interpersonal strength, can stand up for herself, and also help get my back when necessary.
While having her own goals, can be supportive of my goals and ambitions too, and maybe help me stay focused, not as a burdened caretaker but as someone who can offer sound advice and some encouragement.
strong sexual chemistry, sex is hot and we are on the same page, however not a situation where I am carrying things because I have the stronger energy but a meeting a mutual energy where each of us drives the other one even higher.
sexual adventurousness, one thing I've considered was a woman that was interested in hunting down other women with me, or was interested in at least observing the alternative lifestyle community although really I think it just boils down to keeping an edge on things and being able to explore together.
physically attractive, there is actually a pretty wide range of possibility on this one, but I think I need to put some more emphasis on this one than I have in the past. I guess this boils down to
someone who takes care of themselves, keeps in pretty good shape, is at least about 5'5 or taller, white, northern European decent.

= The working definition of what is as close to an ideal of the "perfect" woman that I have come up with.

Friday, November 21, 2008

How outcome dependency effects the concepts of Rejection and Approach Anxiety

One concept that I have been asked about many times is how to deal with rejection and how to overcome approach anxiety. The experiences I have had in my life have given me a different perspective from many of the people who say that they have struggled with it. I have years of work and volunteer experience doing things like canvassing door to door for political candidates, selling door to door and telemarketing. To survive psychologically in sales where your prospects for success are 10% at best and where you face the prospect of being told to “go to hell” on a regular basis you have to develop a different perspective on what rejection is. By the way compared to sales or asking for donations meeting and talking to women is a piece of cake.
1) One thing to realize is that “rejection” and approach anxiety are psychological constructs. They may seem very real and valid to you, but realize that they are not real in a physical sense they are a way of perceiving a situation.

2) Set reasonable expectations based on factors that you can control: You can’t control the mood the other person is in, who they are as a person or how receptive they will be to buying your product, point of view or approach at that moment in time. But you can control your own attitude and how you chose to respond to people places and situations. It is very possible that a lack of your intended outcome from your initial approach had nothing to do with your value as a person, especially since they never got to know you. Know that if you are doing the right types of things you will win some of the time, but not most of the time.

3) Accept that is ok if you feel nervous at first, it is normal, and it is not something to beat yourself up over or force yourself to overcome. You may even discover that even after 100s of conversations you still get nervous sometimes. Just know that if you act in spite of fear you will discover that it gets easier and becomes something you look forward to because it is fun.

4) Be internally validated and interact with people in a way in which you are genuinely enjoying yourself and having fun. People can tell if you feel that your interaction with them is a chore or something that you feel like you are forced to do. As someone once said “I never get rejected, I only discover if a woman has good taste.” You can’t be rejected if you are not seeking acceptance or validation from the other person.

5) Some will some won’t, so what: An old saying I have heard repeated again and again at my sales jobs and in life in general. This involves not giving too much meaning to any one event. If you expect that most of the time you won’t get your optimal outcome, but know that some of the time you will it will take a lot of pressure off of you.

6) Think about how you can give value to others by being engaging, interesting and interested in them. When you are building this skill it may be useful to have games, gambits and stories prepared that you can use to start a conversation. Later you can become more and more spontaneous as you get more and more comfortable talking to people.

7) You manifest what you think about: learn to visualize and expect a positive outcome, it may not lead to a date or sex, but maybe you will have fun enjoying a conversation. Few women will be horribly rude if you approach. In fact more often than not, the main thing that will happen is nothing. Even if someone is terribly rude you will find that it is funny because it is an unreasonable response to what you are doing. Know that even the worse case scenario is not going to kill you and life will go on.

How to turn a one-night stand into something more

One question I have been asked many times before was I could manage to meet and have sex with a woman the first night I met her and then transition it into something more. I have had many men and women tell me that they could never do that or that they view pursuing a relationship and a one-night stand as two separate things. At the same time I have also been told that some of the best relationships have turned sexual pretty soon after meeting someone.

It has been my experience though that women are open to the possibility of seeing you again if the sex is really good and they feel good about the experience emotionally. However you can’t have any expectation that this will lead to a relationship, women will either be turned off by that if they are not actively looking for a relationship. They have to feel that they are developing a connection with you without feeling that you are needy or trying to take any nergy from them emotionally.

Here are some points that have contributed to my successes over the years:

1) Meet your woman and rapidly escalate your initial attraction into powerful sexual desire with your physical moves and a boldly sexual attitude. This could be on the dance floor or off to the side of the place.

2) Set the frame where she is sexually aggressive, highly sexual and comfortable with their sexuality. Be cocky and challenging about how she is trying to seduce you and make it ok for her to be aggressive too. You can even bring this into the conversation by saying things like you love women that own their sexuality.

3) Convey an attitude and present a frame where you are accepting and non-judgmental, that you are a person that does not devalue women based on how long they hold out for sex. This can include bringing up the topic of how you think society’s double standard for men and women when it comes to sex is unfair. I have also done things before where I have shared my experience that if the sex is good, and you enjoy someone’s company why not see them again.

I also sometimes describe how I enjoy having friends with benefits, that are truly friends, and that I think sometimes a woman is at a point in her life where she doesn’t want to devote the time or emotional energy to a relationship but at the same time a woman has needs. Isn’t it great when you can meet someone that you can be comfortable with while at the same time enjoying mind-blowing sex.

4) Have awesome mind-blowing sex! Know that really good sex can open up the possibility for an emotional connection to develop, especially if she doesn’t feel pressured that you are needy. At the least realize that if the sex is really good and she can talk to you that she will want to do it again.

5) Convey that you are a busy person that is pursuing many interests in your life and that you are not looking for a committed relationship right now. This will make the woman you are with that is also not looking for a relationship feel relieved; she can feel comfortable enjoying her time with you without worrying if you are going to get needy.

6) In between rounds of sex get to know each other and continue to build rapport as friends. Say things like: this is great that we be friends like this. Be open and share of yourself in such a way that she feels comfortable opening up to you too. Basically start to do some of the same things you would do as if you were getting to know her in a more traditional dating context, but in a non-needy way where a relationship has already been taken off the table.

7) At the same time that you are laying some possible groundwork for a relationship you also don’t want to come on too strong, leave her room to pursue you and feel that she is actively reaching for what she wants. At this point I have had some women say we should do this again sometime, or sometime soon. However not all women are this comfortable and confident. Look for things that women say like I normally have more guy friends than woman friends or I’m not looking for a relationship.

8) From this point onward notice and compliment her on things that you notice that reinforce her self-image as an independent woman who goes for what she wants. Make her feel good about being a sexual woman while being a friend, but don’t get overly emotional, let her have space to keep her feelings to herself. You aren’t looking to tie her down (outside the bedroom) or constrict her life or her options nor do you expect her to share anything about her life that she does not want to.

So that is my perspective on how to turn sex on the first night into the possibility of friends with benefits that can later turn into a relationship. I truly believe that taking an unconventional angle into a relationship enables the possibility of an interaction that defies the traditional framework and is based on an arrangement that best serves where the man and woman are at their stage in life.

Why are women attracted to jerks?

One question I have been asked repeatedly is why are women attracted to jerks? One view that has been widely presented in the media and in many books about “relationships” is that women want to exchange sex for a concept known as “emotional commitment.” This frame might appear to offer women control over a relationship in a way that would make them happy. However it has been my experience that most women are not happy in a relationship that they can completely control and will lose interest and leave. Because most women want and respond to a man who is strong and independent and challenging.

Unfortunately many men buy into the notion that being strong and challenging and doing what they want to do is somehow bad for women or being a jerk. The answer of course is that most women do not want to be with someone who is actually abusive, disrespectful and insulting. Most women will not put up with a relationship that is actually abusive.

What women are attracted to are the positive qualities of a man:

  • He doesn't need to seek approval from others
  • He will stand up for himself, show anger, and call people on disrespectful behavior without worrying about the disapproval of others
  • He doesn’t put women on a pedestal or kiss ass to try to win her over
  • He pursues what he wants because he wants it

No matter how much a person will complain about a relationship, know that each person is always doing exactly what they want to do, whether they will admit it or not. Often when she is complaining to others it is really a frustration that she can’t completely control the relationship. In that case the root cause of her complaint is also the very thing that is contributing to her attraction to him. If she chooses to stay in the relationship she is in she is basically saying that the positive qualities or benefits outweigh the negatives.

In the case of a woman who is willing to accept a guy who is actually abusive or horribly disrespectful, it is a reflection of her own self-image. Perhaps you have know a person who constantly complains about what a jerk the guy she is with is like, but she continues to stay no matter what her friends and family say to her. However until her own expectations for what she deserves improves she will most likely just replace one jerk for another.

So the takeaways for the “nice” guy that feels he has been missing out are:
1) Not to take what she says at face value and instead look for what she is actually responding to. Realize that some of the same things she is complaining about are things that she is also attracted to.
2) Realize that the kind of person she chooses to be with is at least in part a reflection of her overall self-image.