Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Your success with women as an expression of your beliefs

One of the obstacles that can hold men back from their ability to be “successful” with women are their beliefs about women, sexuality, relationships and what is possible.

Here are some believes that are will undermine your ability to be successful with women.

1) A belief that love and romance (and by extension sex) occur “naturally” without any thought or intent about what you want or how you are going to make it happen. This belief is disempowering in that it implies you do not have any control over this important area of your life. However I am willing to bet that since you are reading this blog you DO believe that you can exercise power and choice in this area life.

An important concept I would like to introduce to this topic is that of “locus of control.” Fundamentally this concept asks how much power do you believe you have over what happens in the events in your life. Do you have more of an external locus of control: life happens to you due to factors outside your control or do you have more of an internal locus of control where the people, places and events are something you can control. Obviously you can’t control every thing that happens in life, but there are many things that you can control.

2) That women are not as sexual as men or need to be convinced to have sex without wanting and enjoying it for themselves. This belief presupposes that men are going to need to talk women into sex by begging or buying it from them. It also buys into a notion widely spread in the media that women exchange sex for emotional commitment or a relationship. However the notion that you need to buy women favors to “get” them to have sex with you or that you have to exchange an emotional commitment for sex are simply not true. I would argue that if you do need to do that for a particular woman you are talking to the wrong kinds of woman who is not interested in genuinely contributing to an interaction with you.

Some women some of the time are not looking for any kind of emotional commitment. Maybe they are young and still in a party phase, maybe they recently got out of a relationship, maybe they are very involved in their career. You can’t always tell just from looking at a woman or even how she dresses or acts, but trust me there are a lot of women that at some stage in their lives are not necessarily looking for a “committed” relationship.

Women are also very sexual, if not much more sexual than men. The difference is that women have the ability to compartmentalize sex as a part of their lives in a way that most men don’t. While many women would also like to have a relationship to go with it, they don’t necessarily have to have the relationship before it becomes sexual. In fact some women want to have sex before they get too involved because they want to know that the sexual chemistry is there before allowing themselves to feel more for a man. The powerful feelings created by sex are also a large part of the emotional connection as well.

3) That women are somehow weak or vulnerable so you need to put them on a pedestal or treat them gently so as to not hurt their feelings. This is a problem that many “nice” guys have. While chivalry and respect is appreciated, no woman wants to be treated like she is weak.
Instead of these limiting beliefs here are some believes that are more powerful in being with women.

While the above beliefs will get in the way of your ability to be successful with women, these beliefs will be helpful

1) You can control the circumstances and events necessary to attract a woman to you that you want to be with your ability to communicate and with your awareness and intent. You willingness to improve your own self-image, your awareness of others and your ability to communicate will pay dividends in the kinds of results that you get with women.

2) Women like sex and want it just as much or more than men. Be honest about what you want, if you are just looking for sex without deliberately pursuing a relationship then be honest about it, she might be at the same place in her life. Your willingness to be honest even though it goes against what many men have been socially programmed to believe will build trust and rapport. This even goes for women that say they want a relationship, some women that say they do at first are doing so because that is what they have been programmed to believe or because they do not want to come across as being easy. However if she is attracted to you she might find a way to make an exception.

3) Don’t put a woman on a pedestal. In don’t do or say things, because you are trying to kiss ass to win her over. Also stand up for yourself, call her on her bullshit if she is disrespectful to you. You will find that not only do you feel better about yourself but a woman can actually feel closer to you and trust you more knowing that you are being “real” in your communication with her.

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