Friday, August 7, 2009

93% of your communication is non-verbal and what you can do about it

It has been commonly said that 93% of communication is nonverbal. While this number comes from a study made years ago and is hard to pin down as an absolute percentage it is commonly accepted fact that a vast majority of your communication comes from your body language, body movements, voice tonality and other communication besides your words.

With his knowledge in mind, is it still important what you say? Yes it is.
You don’t want to say things that will screw things up for you by setting off red flags or by making you appear unattractive.

Text messages or emails only involve words so in those cases all you have to use are your words.
1. However in any face to face interaction your body language, body movements, eye contact, positioning, voice volume and tonality are all going to be the majority of your communication and how she perceives and responds to you as a person. Your non-verbal communication is always going to show through.

In phone conversations your words are slightly more important but a huge amount of your communication is going to come down to your voice inflection, tone, tempo and pacing. That is why it is important to develop your vocal range and ability to project emotions.

2. Your non-verbal communication is a reflection of your current state of mind and the underlying attitudes and beliefs that constitute your frame of mind. In order to lead her congruently remember this principle: You must go first

Therefore to communicate congruently you need to be able to go into an emotional state so that your words match what you are actually feeling. This can be a general high energy state of mind or it can be one that matches with a specific story or specifically crafted language pattern.

Communication for seduction and generating attraction is emotional and not logical. Your non-verbal communication has to be able to lead her into progressively more powerful states of mind. Therefore you need to be able to capture and lead her emotions by generating emotions in yourself and then using those to guide your communication to lead her where you want her to go.

3. People do not always know if you are telling the truth or not, however they can identify if your communication is congruent or not. By developing your ability to calibrate to other people’s communication you can better understand where they are at in terms of their emotional state. Also the reason that people test you is if they don’t think that you are congruent, that not all parts of your communication match each other or match what you are saying.

For example your words could be bold and cocky but your voice sounds weak and insecure. This would create a situation where you would be incongruent in your communication. Either they will not believe you at all, or if there is any doubt they will test you.

While practicing “good” body language and posture and working on your voice tonality is helpful, it ultimately has to come from the right emotional state and be a reflection of your attitudes and beliefs. This is where inner game and outer game meet, in the congruence of your emotional communication. This is point where you start to become a “natural” with women so that when your communication is effectively aligned with what you want you know that you can get what you want.

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