Friday, December 5, 2008

Continuing to be a challenge: 6 tips that apply to developing and maintaining a longer-term relationship

As your interaction progresses with a woman, past the first 15 -20 minutes and possibly developing into a longer-term relationship where you see each other on a regular basis you need to be able to keep up the challenge and keep things fresh. Here are 6 tips that apply to developing and maintaining a longer-term relationship that go beyond the ones mentioned in the other post “Be a challenge.”

Part of being a challenge is not just knowing how to challenge her but to be a man who challenges her just by your way of being and living. Are you someone that she can learn from? Do you know how to engage her intellectually, emotionally and sexually? Are you a dynamic person who has goals and is expanding and developing the kind of person he is? Many of these tips naturally follow from being a person with an interesting and dynamic life.

1) Physical Scarcity/ having limited time
Another situation which creates a challenge is when there are barriers to how often you could meet up if ever again. Perhaps you have had this kind of experience before, where you were traveling and you hooked up with someone. Or maybe it was the reverse situation where the woman you met was the one who was traveling and you hit if off and things turned sexual very fast because it was now or never. This type of situation can also exist with time and distance scarcity if you make it clear that you have a very busy work and social schedule with time being scarce, live in another city and/or are frequently traveling for business. If the two of you are seeing less of each other than you would like it will intensify the desire.

2) Emotional/ committed relationship scarcity
Another way of stating this would be to keep deeply emotional statements along the lines of I love you or are we in a relationship conversations from happening too soon. Too much emotional availability too fast can be seen as needy, or just too much and can scare off a woman who is worried about being with a needy guy or who sees emotional commitment as a threat to her self image as independent and non-needy. Some women will even directly say that they are not looking for a relationship, as I discuss in the article “What if she says she’s not looking for a relationship.” One interpretation of that statement from her is that she doesn’t want the emotional side of the relationship to be forced on her, she needs to feel that she is reaching for it when she is ready. However you want to balance this scarcity and “going slow” on the relationship front with being unavailable to the point of just not being able to be there when she is ready for it and it is appropriate. Being unavailable at this point (usually after 6 – 10 weeks of consistent interaction) will drive many women away too, except for those that really want an emotionally unavailable guy to chase with little chance of success which is usually not a good thing.

However by saying early on the interaction (preferably before sex) that you are not looking for a relationship is one way to create a challenge for the woman to overcome. You are not a person who NEEDS a relationship to fill their time or fill a void, you are a person with many competing interests that could make you a great person to be in a relationship with, but that has to be earned over time by a woman based on the relationship that develops between the two of you and not given away to try and get her to like you or have sex with you. While saying you are not looking for a relationship may drive away some women, if you clarify the meaning as I just described a confident open-minded woman that is secure in her desirability and her desire for you will be that much more motivated to win over your heart. And if you really want that then you can let her be successful and she will feel that much more accomplished and secure in a resulting relationship knowing that you weren’t just going to give yourself away.

3) Challenge her self-knowledge
Another way to challenge her is to ask questions that require her to think at a deeper level. For example if she says she is a teacher, ask her what about teaching that she finds most challenging/ fulfilling. This will get her to think in ways that are different, stimulate more interesting conversations that go beyond the normal small talk that people are used to having. It will also give you important insight into how she thinks and what is important to her.

4) Intellectual Challenge
For example suppose you have established a certain level of rapport the first time you have met or maybe the second time when you are at a place where it’s easier to talk without distractions. If she is a more intellectual person, who likes to discuss theories and ideas then talking about topics and ideas that engage her mind and challenge her views and opinions are good. The key is to be able to have discussions where you and her can learn new things rather than have arguments where one person is trying to prove the other person wrong, or that they know more than the other person, or get them to change deeply held political or religious believes.

5) Be interesting, introduce her to new experiences
Other ways you can be challenging are to be an interesting person who introduces variety into your life, and introduces her to new ideas and experiences. This can include going to places and events where you do interesting things. This could include everything from a hike to a museum to a kinky fetish club, it all depends on who you are and what you think she might be open to.

6) Keep things interesting and intense sexually.
You don’t have to do anything too crazy, sometimes even slight variations in technique or in the romantic touches you put on the evening can add much to the experience. The key is to make things really good for her, and she will feel the challenge to reciprocate back by learning new things herself.

So there were 6 more ways that you can continue to be a challenge that go beyond first moments of meeting her, that can also apply to developing and maintaining a longer-term relationship.

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