FR/ LR Saturday 4/13
I finally wrote this one up, same night lay that appears to be going the friends with benefits route right now. The sarging started when I met up with "Stronghold" at McFadden’s for April birthday night where anyone born in April drinks free, unfortunately I was not born in April but it was still fun.
I spent some time trying to get a feel for the vibe and get into a really good state although I wasn’t feeling it for awhile. Stronghold and I were just cooking up opinion openers for the hell of it to practice shit test ability. From that standpoint it was working. One chick even interrupted our improvised zoolander opinion opener, by feeding it to us first. It was funny but we weren’t really getting anything to hook.
Things started to get better as we wandered away from the bar, although I was pretty hungry. Stronghold and I were about to bounce and meet up with Dare, Ignite and Fearless in Georgetown when he persuaded me to make one last approach. So you’re energy is low and you’re hungry and you’re not feeling the whole college crowd thing. One more opener, ultra-high energy just roll with it.
The OpenerI walked right up to this cute blonde about average height, blonde hair, blue eyes, perky D cups, with a laid-back approachable vibe who was relatively sober. I led with a high-energy social opener as if she were my best friend ever. One thing lead to another and her friends just kind of faded out and disappeared. She was grom North Carolina, had gone to a top 10 school and had been a biology major and was now a management consultant for a top firm in the field. She travels for business and is only in DC for the weekends. It also turns out she had graduated from the same high school I went to in Florida after her parents moved there and her birthdate was the day after mine.
Deepening RapportI segued into the instantaneous connection pattern from the other commonalities that we had, I started by shifting my state of mind to match the description I was about to give “wow, isn’t it amazing how sometimes you meet someone and just feel that instantaneous connection … and its like you feel like you’ve always known this person, (gesture to the left, past time line) almost like you were meant to meet them, and its like you can imagine a time in the future looking back on today as having been the start of it (gesture to the right for the future pace).”
I put in the past and future pacing as a way to pre empt any back end LMR by going around the resistance, suggesting that things had already taken place and would in the future. She agreed and said it was uncanny how much we had in common. I then set a loop back to amplify and solidify the emotional connection, isn’t it interesting how when you meet this person and feel that, how those feelings can just come flooding right through you. She nodded and I saw a slight flush and pupil dilation although only for a moment, she appeared to be relatively low in terms of emotional reactions. I also took this to mean that she was primarily a logical type with a quick mind, which I think is good because it means states hook and amplify faster, although her mind will also move along quickly too.
More Comfort-buildingSince I had already established some pretty deep rapport, much of it based on the dumb luck of having gone to the same high school, I transitioned into some comfort-building types of stories linked together with the overall theme of learning persuasion psychology. We fluff talked about the high school that we had both gone to and a few other things. She was on the dance team and I told her about the torture it was being a guy in high school with all of those short skirts and spandex, she sympathized. I don’t know if you can imagine what it is like to be a teen age boy in high school and to be in a state of high arousal almost all day, and its like everywhere you look you’re like ohhh I’d love to fuck her. In an innocent little boy kind of voice, I said “all I wanted was to meet a nice girl and have lots and lots of sex, I promise I aim to please, she laughed (I cocked my head slightly to the side to convey the emotion and also anchor the state.) I described to her the process of learning that I got from various female friends and quoted bits and pieces of their stories and how this was leading toward where I was now heading as a seminar teacher. I even quoted some of my own sexual exploits at high school speech and debate tournaments with bits and pieces of weasel phrases and embedded commands mixed in, which she seemed to find pretty entertaining.
I continued the theme of my process of learning persuasion psychology, shifting from high school debate on to college and politics and sales jobs. Then I lead into a modified portion of the blow job pattern while describing my experience as a telemarketer for a time-share resort company back when I was in college (slightly softened by quoting myself and leading with a weasel phrase). I described body-sensations linked to the hot tub. Once again I got some color from her and a slight bite of the lip, I mirrored it back.
At some point Stronghold came by with a woman in tow and it looked like he had some things going, so after a brief introduction where I told her that if he hadn’t pushed me I would have gotten food and I would not have met her. Then he went back to his girl and I went back to talking to mine.
More QualificationI then talked to her about how this wasn’t my type of bar, most of these little girls don’t have much to offer besides their looks. I set a challenging frame for her to uphold by talking about how I don’t normally date anyone under 25 (she was 24), although perhaps there might be some exceptions, that I considered my 22 year old sister to be pretty mature for her age. But that most younger women didn’t have a strong sense of self and cared too much about what their friends thought and don’t seem confident enough to just go for what they want (self-point). She said that she was pretty mature and knew what she wanted but that she believed some guys are scared off by women that are powerful and direct, I assured her she could be herself around me and just be comfortable.
Her QualificationShe asked what type of woman I was into and I described a combination of high intellect, high sex drive and logical thinking. I then transitioned into my friends with benefits pattern where I basically say I’m not looking for a relationship right now because life is crazy and all that, but at the same time if you both really like each other and the sex is really hot, then why not come back for seconds. Wouldn’t it be great if you could be friends with someone and feel really comfortable but at the same time have this unbelievably strong sexual attraction without all the games and things that can happen in relationships. She agreed that sentiment, especially since she frequently travels as a consultant.
Venue Close/ Physical CloseAt this point I really was getting hungry and so I asked her if she wanted to leave and get some food. She told me her friends had already left. So we walked out to my car and started to drive home, I told her I’d just gone shopping at Trader Joe’s and had some applewood smoked bacon and banana waffles, so we could just go back to my house, and so we did. We started making out on the back deck and then rolled on into my bed room. No LMR this time, although at the last moment she asked me as she looked up at me with a slightly vulnerable look in her eye, “is this just tonight, or maybe something more?” I paused and said well I can’t make any promises but if we enjoy each others company I’m sure we will see each other again.
Interesting epilogue.For pillow talk I was describing the Pick-up Artist community and the different branches of it. I asked her what first attracted me to her. She said that she liked the fact that I didn’t try to ask her “a stupid contrived question, you were just warm and friendly” She told me that the PUA scene was pretty obnoxious out in Phoenix, Arizona, both the men and the women, with men trying to copy some TV show called the Pick-up Artist. I said “oh, you mean opinion openers” Her: “what you have names for these things. I mean come on who cares if someone’s girlfriend is jealous or not. Really I don’t care, it’s a dumb question and a waste of time, even if it were real the guy should just get over it and find a chick that’s not screwed up.” She also did not like the concept of negs, “yeah, they work, but they work on the wrong kind of woman, if she’s going to base her self-esteem on gaining your approval she is probably going to be kind of needy and unstable.” Of course a false disqualifier and a challenge to her intellect had proven to be effective …
Later I said, this is the most rounds I’ve gone with a girl this calendar year. A little while later she said this breaks my virginity for this calendar year.
Last weekend Saturday night she sent me a text “Last weekend was fun. Call me tonight if you want to take a break from “picking up chicks.” Eventually we met up again J
Reflection and Analysis:One question I asked myself recently was why was I hitting last minute resistance when that is something I have rarely encountered over the years, what am I not doing now that I used to do. Some people have suggested spending longer amounts of time building “comfort,” is the answer, and that argument has many valid points to it. However in my experience this is not usually necessary in terms of the amount of time spent itself. I believe spending more linear time can help in so far as you are meeting the expectation of a traditional dating frame, however I believe that deliberately doing other things to build deep rapport and comfort, including past and future pacing is just as effective as well as being faster and more precise. The benefits of spending more time, when it works, are probably going to include doing various things that can build rapport and comfort, (vibing) i.e. non-verbal matching, mirroring, pacing, eliciting and/or demonstrating values, inadvertently hitting bits and pieces of language patterns that match her reality in terms of comfort and attraction and creating the perception that you have spent some significant amount of time together. However since human emotions are simply processes I think the question to ask is what emotions or processes are being triggered during your comfort building stage and what steps can be taken to install or elicit those processes. Then you can spend more time if you want to for your own comfort and enjoyment or simply install using language patterns or use directed questions to get her talking about her own processes and then mirror them back to you.
Adding in more qualification during rapid-close same-night-lays is another important part of the process. I think most of the time I have gotten satisfactory results by announcing right up front that I am not really looking for a relationship, and either a one-night stand or preferably a friend with benefits. While this would appear to fly in the face of convention wisdom, it does work in the right context under the right circumstances.
1) Since I usually bring this up after I have established a high degree of attraction and rapport I believe it is possible that some women are agreeing just so that they will not be disqualified, or because it presents a challenge.
2) I believe this builds comfort and trust in that you are being very open about your intentions when women generally know that guys are motivated by sex anyway. This brings things to the surface where you can verbally address any objections as well as convey your appreciation and understanding of women as sexual beings.
3) It also helps a woman understand what type of frame or context she should apply to the interaction and it helps them to have sex outside the context of a relationship in such a way that they can feel good about themselves and know that I will treat then with respect and that I will not just “fuck and run.” I believe the concern about first-night sex leading to them never seeing a guy again is a common reason for last minute resistance when it appears that otherwise everything is going alright.
Her: 5/1/08 10:00 PM Got tipsy (read horny) in first class. What are you up to?
Me: About to head home, up for some
Her: Me too. Come and get me :)
Stewart Brand – The Polymath of Polymaths
15 hours ago